Mixed episodes

[mrs_hadfield]

Hi all, I have a current diagnosis of BPD (but doctor now seems to think it is bipolar - waiting for psych assessment), although I have been fine for nealry 8 months. Until - 2 weeks ago when I started to act manic and irritable at the same time, I had 3 days/nights with not needing to sleep, was wide awake and then when I get to sleep it is very disturbed and I have been having horrendous nightmares - so vivid, in my nightmare last night, I killed several people and hid them around my house, I had to get up early in the morning to check I hadn't actually done it. That was very scary.
I am not suicidal but feel hopeless and worthless, along the my hyper mood - like paranoia, bugging my husband by being over-playful, non stop chatter and cleaning the house with loud music at 3am because there is no way I need any sleep. My up and down mood has been happening for over 2 weeks now.
Does this sound like a mixed bipolar episode to you? Thought I would ask people who have been there, or who are still there. Thanks in advance.

Em.

 

[chesya]

Mania and periodically irritabilty together sound like my experience of BD and the paranoia and 'bugging' loved ones also sounds familiar.

The latter is the worst part of this sort of hypomania or mania for me because I fear I'm going to damage the relationship and this fear then probably does most of the damage. The supportive relationships are so important in the self-management of the condition my worry would be to secure these. Have you or can you access support for your husband so he can understand what's going on?

Looking back I think I've been more high than depressed, but thought I was 'OK' because the unpleasant symptoms were just 'bad personality' and weren't illness because I wasn't depressed. Paranoia, social anxiety anger, frustration and violent thoughts and dreams were a big part of these.

I've just had an assement by my CPN which checks with some of the stuff you've been describing. I would repeat it it here but I don't the meanings of all the abbreviations. So yes, as someone with bipolar I can relate to what you've described.

 

[mrs_hadfield]

Thanks Chesya. I have a toddler which seems to make me feel worse as I do not feel able to look after her as well as I should. Our health visitor gave my husband a number for RELATE and he didn't use it. I am a full time mum and he works 9-5 every week day. I find that so hard and getting help for either of us is so difficult, especially with a diagnosis of a personality disorder. I am just glad that my doctor is now taking me seriously.

 

[Dollit]

We can only repeat our own experiences and not really say what we think other people have - that sort of diagnosis is best left to the experts.

Apart from the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness (which can be brought on by lack of sleep) I experience far more depressive symptoms than this during a mixed episode.

 

[mrs_hadfield]

Thank you for your replies. I understand you cannot diagnose - I know I have to wait for that, but I thought in the meantime I would try and get an idea from people who know what it is like.

Struggling quite bad today, I really haven't got anyone to help me. I have a toddler (no quite 2 yet) and my husband is so busy with work he cannot help. Daughter has been crying for me to get her up but I need to try and calm down first. I feel so lost and depressed right now. All I can think about is how to end it - really haven't felt like this for a while. Getting out of bed was a massive effort and think I may go back. I am scared of my own child and myslef. I don't want to hurt her. I am a total failure as a mother, she is frightened of me, I can see it in her eyes. I would be frightened of me too. I don't know what to do or who to turn to, feeling totally alone right now.

 

[Lozzi_1004]

I think im in a mixed episode at the minute and i just cant cope with it, im sleeping then im not, im hyper, thinking im number one, high sex drive but yet im worthless, self harming and suicidal all at the same time, not too mention the absurd amounts of things i see and the voices.

i doubt your a terrible mother if you were i dont think your daughter would be crying for you!
im sorry i cant offer much more advise than that just try and hang in there wil you see your pysch again

lozzi

 

[KP1]

If your baby is frightened of you you need to get help for both of you.
If you can't look after her while you are ill can your husband look after her.
Hope it goes ok for you and you get help.
Take care. KP

 

[shalee]

hi,

i've recently been diagnosed as bipolar 1 with a persistant mixed state that my psychiatrist thinks has been ongoing for about 6 weeks now, based on my journal entries.

every day, heck, every hour, is a very different ballgame for me.

i feel every human emotion at the same time or switch between emotions at the drop of a hat.

the biggest characteristic for me is not wanting to go to work or do anything that requires responsibility, and instead just wanting to take photographs and develop film and sit in my room staring at the pictures, doing nothing else in life.

i can't eat, i can't sleep, but then suddenly i overeat and oversleep...to compensate i suppose.

the artistic creativity is wonderful...i LOVE it, but then suddenly i HATE it with every fiber of my being.

to sum up, a mixed state for me is one of HUGE confusion. i have days where i have such insight and clarity into what is happening, and then other days when i can't even formulate a sentence to describe it.

 

[mrs_hadfield]

WOW Shalee, thank you! That totally describes how I feel. Except for the creativity. The only creativity I seem to have is with the truth, turning them in to elaborate stories.
The responsibility part of what you said really rings so true to me. My daughter is a responsibility I can not handle whilst in the throws of an episode. My hubby can't handle this anymore - he is a contractor and if takes anymore time off to help me then he will end up losing his job. It makes me even more depressed to know how much I am ruining his life.

I have asked for as much help as I can. There just is no support for undiagnosed - for obvious reasons. They are waiting for me to either hurt my child or commit suicide/attempt to.

For the first time in 8 months I have cut myself - I wouldn't call it self harm as I actually wanted to kill myself. I just realised that a failure such as me would never be able to do it. So had to go to the docs. I am now lost, confused and frightend as to how I am going to wake up next.
I will try to do a mood diary and get my hubby to do one too based on what he sees.

I manage to get some Zopiclone so I had a good nights sleep. But...today has gone to well pure depression and I feel dead. (Sorry people - just need people who understand to talk to).