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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Mixed bag of spanners. And a head in a washer!

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ThunderBolt

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Mar 25, 2010
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England, GREAT Britain
God only knows how many times I've started tapping this in only to sack it off because I've lost my way half way through. And God only knows how many different sections of the site I've started to type it into as none really seem to fit exactly. Hopefully I'll see the job through tonight. I've come onto the forum and read through quite a lot of posts over time and recently signed up in March. I often read things that ring a bell and try to take from them, but it all gets a bit confusing when you go from one thread to another to another, so I hope you all understand why I'm trying to gather it all into one place.

Here we go... Again...

As long as I can recall I've been lacking in confidence and I suppose self esteem as I believe it's refered to. I've had diabetes from a very early age and sometimes wonder if that may have triggered things. I never really had that many friends at school and was always rubbish at PE in all it's forms. I may well have brought a lot of this on myself as I have also had a OTT fear of death and ilness, which at 7 or 8 I'd imagine you shouldn't even be thinking about. The fear has always been there and if I think about it I have slept very little throughout my 37 years through thinking about it at every opportunity.

Some years ago I had an accident - through a diabetic hypo - that left me unable to work, at least in my usual job, and was put on sick by the powers that be. About 3 or so years ago, I decided I was fit to get back into some form of work as that injury had improved. Not gone, but improved. However my diabetes has caused a number of other complications and I now know I can't work on a regular basis. As it turns out this is the worse thing I could have done. Instead of offering help to get back into doing something I was sent on a medical and found to have nothing the matter with me by a medical proffessional who didn't have a clue what neuropathy was... "Something to do with nerves that isn't it love" she said in a somewhat unsure tone. Gold star for the doc!!! Incidentally these med profs are far from trained up doctors in most cases.

I had to appeal the decision and it took nearly a year to sort out. During that year I had to gather info from doctors (real ones), and keep records of all episodes of this that and the other. It brought it home to me just how bad I was and the constant reminder was almost too much to handle at times.

SOMETHING... Depression, anxiety, not really sure was spiralling and I couldn't have described it if I wanted to... I still can't. Stupidly I never put this down on my forms as I basically didn't want to talk about it to anyone. I never really have, or never really see the day I will. Like I say... Stupid!
 
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ThunderBolt

Active member
Joined
Mar 25, 2010
Messages
30
Location
England, GREAT Britain
Sorry for the break... Wanted to make sure I actually posted it this time. I'll continue later.
 
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ThunderBolt

Active member
Joined
Mar 25, 2010
Messages
30
Location
England, GREAT Britain
Okay...

As I mentioned all this appeal business has forced me to face a few things, that if I'm honest, I knew were there but chose not to look at. Didn't want to see them truth be known. I was sent on a course for mind over pain and also one for a more... Mental based target. I have actually said a few things in these sessions but not many. And not fully. I think that's why I'm posting on here maybe?!? It's a start I guess, so what I said before isn't 100% fact. I actually HAVE uttered things, just not relevant things... I can feel another "Stupid" coming on!

The appeal process made me realise a lot about my physical side, this course has made me realise a lot of stuff within. Perhaps more frightening than the physical even?

I know I'm rambling, but if I don't get this out now I don't know if I will.

My current set up if you will, is like this. I've found that my sleep is more disturbed than ever. I'm waking up (or maybe pre-nodding) unable to breathe for what feels like 30secs or more at a time. This has happened every night nearly for months. When I do try to sleep, I find myself talking to myself about how long I'll last, if I'll outlast my parents. I think they'd give me a telling off if I went before they did. Even though it's me arguing within myself I just can't seem to switch it out and to be honest it's some of the most meaningful conversation I get!

Sometimes though I can lie there and the voices (I'm not going to kill next door's goldfish) are so intense and can build to what feels like being stood on a railway platform where they all blend in and become racket. That's another thing I struggle with - noise. Hence the thread title as that's what it feels like at times.

I wish I could go back 4 years even, before I started to become aware of a lot of this and aware that it really was there. Ignorance really is bliss. Even if it just delays the inevitable. I'm great at telling oters wat to do, but don't take advice well. I almost know for a fact that I should have a word, but when I saw the GP about my night breathing, he asked if I ever felt down and guess what I said... That's right... Stupid!

He gave me some pills anyway and I was told by a chemist tey are used for - among other things - depression, so I slung the lot. Might have been a good move that time though as the someone else read the leaflet and said they weren't to be used if you have episodes stopping breathing in the night.

I don't think my GP likes me!

Death still scares me out of my wits... Illness does as well. And just about everything else from solitude to going out, altough I still do... I have to, else people ask why. Death scares me but if I did't wake up I don't think I'd be too worried. As long as I don't see it coming. In fact that's a big thing now, and I know others have picked up on it. My lack of caring. Not so much about the waking up but everyting. My interest in everything seems to have gone and at times I just couldn't give a toss.


This isn't working... I can't even find a question in this mammoth post of jumblies I've just done.

Mods... Feel free to delete if it's a bit OTT.
 
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ThunderBolt

Active member
Joined
Mar 25, 2010
Messages
30
Location
England, GREAT Britain
Finally bit the bullet and my GP is sending me to a councelor... Not particularly looking forward to it.

I never even asked or mentioned it, but walked out with a referal.

Odd... Good... Scary as sin! :eek:
 
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ThunderBolt

Active member
Joined
Mar 25, 2010
Messages
30
Location
England, GREAT Britain
Been for my 2nd session today and been referee to someone else who specialises in diabetics with depression. Wanted to keep seeing this one really and to be fair was asked if I was happy to do so but didn't have the bottle to say anything otherwise.

Stupid... Again!
 
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