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Mixed and lonely, just needing a chat... TRIGGERS

ally41

ally41

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WARNING, MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS

Hi all,

Haven't been here in quite some time. Left long term therapy last July and I think I've been heading downhill since then.

I don't expect anyone to remember me so a quick recap for context : I am female, 44, been dysfunctional for as long as I can remember including childhood. Very early child abuse survivor, domestic abuse survivor, long history occasional drug abuser, mainly major depression with rare short lived 'hypo' type moods and some 'mixed'. No diagnosis, don't think much of psychiatrists and been lucky to have never needed admission so could be type II bipolar, but neither know nor care to, I would rather not be pigeonholed - that is NOT an attack on anyone else, it's just what is right for me personally. No meds for 15 years except Diazepam for anxiety which I rarely use for what it's prescribed for these days (see above.....)

So, I'll begin. On 10th January David Bowie died. Managed to ignore it as had my daughter at home (22 and at Uni). Took her to the station on Saturday and since I got home it's been transference/projection city all over the shop....

I have done enough therapy to know that the distress I feel is not about him. Have done 12 years of art therapy and want not to ignore what's going on so I can understand it better. Not in therapy at mo and struggling to make sense of it by myself (that is not why I'm here btw, just want some camaraderie with the resulting symptoms) .

Result? Mega 'mixed' mood, hyper, not eating for 5 days, little sleep, in tears A LOT. Totally obsessed listening to and watching Bowie all day and nothing else, even have my ipod on when walking dogs or in car, have spent close to £150 buying new headphones, itunes albums as have lost all my CDs, chargers for ipod in the car, etc etc.

Drinking every night (I rarely drink) taking diazepam and drinking, more crying - you get the picture....

I don't get like this often, last time was in late summer 2012 when I went on a week long 'bender' being a groupie (first time at age 41, LOL) following a bunch of international musicians round the country, slept with two of them (men for first time in nearly 20 years, but we'll not get into THAT right now!) spent nearly £1000 and ended up making a complete tit of myself and felt embarrassed for ever.....

Mostly my daily life pretty much sucks. I don't work as I can't really handle people. I have two dogs, housework, no friends and have been single for 7 years last October. Feeling the intense pressure of the current benefits system and like my future will also suck, probably even more than it does today (think homeless with no means to keep my precious dogs and no home for my daughter kind of sucking).

When I'm hyper like now, I have hope. I have great plans, but I also know that after this high mood comes the fall. The realisation that I'm 44, with no qualifications, no education prospects and the whole world falls down (and David can't be there for me....).

My youth has gone (I think that's the main trigger that Bowie's death represents to me). My beauty has gone and it was not bad as these things go....

But I can't go back, I can't fall back again to a life of drudgery and boredom and pain. I don't think I can take it anymore, to have to settle for this life again.

I have heard artists say they have to be creative or die and I think I finally understand what they mean by that. Having spent 12 years doing art therapy and being passionate about photography it's not surprising that I think I really want to pursue art in some form.

I know I will probably never make a living from it and I don't expect to be talented, but I just feel I have to try something or I may as well lay down and die! Bowie once said that to be an artist is to be dysfunctional - that it was not normal to want loads of other people to understand what you believe and that the healthy life is to want to make a protective nest for your loved ones and get food - that culture is optional but seems to be something that humans can't help but create.

I have huge embarrassment issues about my age and how others may see this attempt to foray into art to 'find myself' at a time when most people would expect to be 'matured'. I AM emotionally immature, I have spend the last 22 years trying to be a good mother (no mean feat) and I really haven't made time for me as an adult. I really don't know who I am in that regard and feel very teenagery.

I cannot let this slip this time as I fear it could really be fatal. I have these great plans, but usually they are so grand that when I get perspective again, I see how unachievable it all is and give up trying. I fit back into the slot assigned to me and keep breathing, if with a slightly heavier heart. This time I want to less dualistic, i need a third way. I live 5 miles away from one of the most creatively populated places in the UK and there are no end of artistic classes and groups to get involved with. There are things I can do within that community, if i can get my head around socialising. It can be done - just not on the mega grand scale my fantasies would like right now....

What I'm scared of is of letting this mood slip away. These moods, which are so exciting and invigorating (like I said I do know how lucky I am that they are mostly positive for me and don't end up with me being seriously ill) are so fleeting and I'm really scared that it will all go poof, up in smoke, before I can get anything done!

Also, there is washing up to do and dog vomit to clear up, but it's just so MUNDANE!! I can't risk getting sucked back in!! I stay fasting, to keep it going - as it does. I am drinking, to keep it going - as it does. I am even deliberately remaining upset about Bowie, to keep it going!! Aaarrggh!!! But I can't get on a course TOMORROW and I can't become an internationally renowned art photographer (LOL LOL LOL) TOMORROW. What will I do if my world comes crashing down before I can stick my finger in enough pies??!!

P.S. It's rhetorical, mostly I just need to not feel alone in this..... thanks all :)

P.P.S. The more videos I watch, the more I do for real also feel very sad that David Bowie died younger than he should have - seems to have been a really genuinely lovely man :low:
 
Nikita

Nikita

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Hello ally:welcome:back!

RIP David Bowie, respect!

I am sorry you are feeling so low about the passing of the years and how beauty fades etc
I can't help wondering though if you were a bit manic writing the above posts.
I get the anxiety about being homeless though,all of us on benefits worry and are anxious about that.
Make the most of your creativity and try and use it to ground and centre yourself.
Stay grounded for sure, take on one thing at a time don't worry about having a finger in each pie.Less is more is the way to look at it.
I get lonely too.Pleased to meet you.Just pick up wherever you are now in your journey in life even if that is continuing to make up for stuff you have missed or lost time.Love and hugs.Nikitax
 
ally41

ally41

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Hi Nikita, thanks for your reply :) Yes, a bit manic probably but having no frame of reference it's difficult for me to know. I would say less manic now than a few days ago when I felt like I was on speed (times a million!). Now more angsty and upset than hyper I would say..... Anyway it's just good to know that there are other people out there who get it - it helps...... thanks again and good to meet you too x
 
ally41

ally41

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Messages
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Just started a new thread but realised I probably ought to have just followed on with this one, oh well. Nikita, you were right, I went to see my therapist on Friday and for the first time in 12.5 years he actually used a label, which is I think perhaps indicitive of the extent of this mood and of his knowledge of what happened to me last time. He used the term 'manic flight' about what is happening and for the first time ever, proposed that I discuss meds with my GP. I think no, of course I would, the mood I'm in, Lol, but when I'm depressed again I may think yes I suppose.....
 
S

SittingInTheBackRow

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Hiya.

I too was crushed about Bowie. He was an inspiration for me and I've been listening to him a lot.

You're not alone. All of us 'creative ones' are trying to find ourselves together. Dont' give up on your goals.

'As the pain seeps through, makes no sense for you'
'Every thrill is gone wasn't too much fun before'
'But i'll be there for you, as the world falls down'

The world is falling around us but we are still standing. The survivors. The dreamers. Have faith x
 
ally41

ally41

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Oh god I can't tell you how many times I have watched the video for that song this week, gut wrenchingly emotional..... I was 14 when Labyrinth came out and Bowie was my first 'love' His music was always in the house as I have 2 older brothers and as a survivor of abuse by men, Ziggy's beautiful androgynous form was both safe for me and utterly thrilling - and still is to me now :whistle:

I begged the universe to let me have been the one in his arms in that scene....
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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Hi Ally, I remember you, and that you used to talk about how much your art therapy helped you. I wanted to reply so you know you're not alone. Not that I really have any answers or advice. I can relate a lot with the experiences you describe, we're a similar age, I also had early abuse,and have felt dysfunctional since childhood. Also resistant to labels, don't have a lot of time for psychiatry, and don't take any meds. Also have children, so I know what a struggle it is to do a good job in our position, and how you have to put yourself and your needs on the back burner. Yep, definitely been teenagery at times. I recognise the long periods of depression, with the brief explosions of energy and passion and plans that you describe, with the utter dread that when they are over it will all come crashing back down to unbearable mundane drudgery and hopelessness. It's the worst feeling, and the worst point to be at, ime. Yes, I've had the flights that feel so exhilarating at the time, but there is always a follow-on payback in terms of a crashing back to earth.

All I can say is, things can level out. The peaks can get levelled off, so they are not so intense and exciting, but the compensation is that the lows are not so severe. For me I guess it's been talking therapy to address the roots of the trauma-induced damage, that has brought about this levelling off.

I understand about David Bowie's death being a trigger. It seems wrapped up for you in issues of lost youth maybe? Of the death of someone who meant something helpful to you at an earlier age when things were very difficult for you. But 44 is not old! I am older. It's a crock of s**t that society says you can't do certain things beyond a certain age without looking ridiculous, or that you should have already 'found yourself' and be 'mature'. No! Keep looking. Keep seeking! Don't settle for the 'maturity' convention says we should have achieved. I am 'immature' emotionally too. It's not a crime, and it's not our fault. In my view, for myself, it's down to a lack of having needs fulfilled in my developing years. But, it can be lived with, and worked with, and there are upsides to not being as 'mature' as other people, even as there are downsides too, and suffering involved. (What are the upsides? That's the question that begs to be asked. Well, feeling things intensely, being a 'seeker', not settling for mundanity, being open to new experiences/ways of seeing things, not being held back by an arbitrary number that is our age, I don't know).

I don't know if this has helped, but I just felt a recognition with where you're at, and wanted to say so. And yes Bowie seemed a lovely man, who made the world richer for pushing boundaries, and seeking and reinventing right up to the end of his life.

:peace: x
 
Last edited:
ally41

ally41

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Thank you so much, that was a great reply. I am starting to come down now but will endeavour to start at least one new thing before I crash to try and stave off complete hopelessness, definitely something creative. Just have to readjust my grandiose notions of my great undiscovered talent.... ha ha...

I have been so resistant to the hypomania label for so long but when my therapist told me for the first time that it was indeed so, I feel almost liberated somehow and able to work through it easier. I have spent some moneg but have not had sex (boohoo....) and have managed to stay home and not made an arse of myself in public! I want to mix with the myriad of artists that live up the road from me (famous arty town in England where people my age go once they are sick of London) but although I would like them to accept me warts and all, I don't think turning up a bit bonkers and jumping the bones of the first androgynous person I see is going to help me make friends!! Best wait I think....
 
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