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Misunderstood

S

Sunshine after the rain

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2019
Messages
6
Hey, every now and then I get really anxious feelings to the point I can't talk at a normal level and feel like everyone is judging me when they look at me. I lose all confidence in myself. It can happen out of the blue or there can be a slow build up. It can last for a short amount of time or for ages This week I've been very emotional, have struggled to be around people and to leave my house. The closer it gets to time do work the worse I get. However, usually I try to hide it and keep myself busy but I couldn't, I was breaking down in tears in work when someone spoke to me, I was having palpatations and every part of me was telling me I can't do this I need to get out I need to leave. I couldn't, and didn't, do my job and I came off as simply not bothering to because I didn't feel like it. I tried to explain the next day but I feel like I wasn't believed by my colleagues (In the past I've asked for help in regards to something and after a while people stopped and actually made it a situation where I had to do the thing I needed help with and I heard them talking behind my back saying they think I was only doing it for attention and they didn't believe me and saying other stuff which wasn't so nice) since then I've heard whispers again which only makes me feel worse and more anxious. I find it hard to talk about these feelings with someone so doing it took a lot of effort and courage from me but now I feel I've made it worse by doing so and don't know how to act in work. Inside I'm a mess and outside I'm trying to out on a facade like I'm fine. Of course that's making people think I was only being silly and rude/lazy because I've "had too much of a difference in a few days". I've thought of getting help from a doctor too many times to count but can't bring myself to call them but I feel like, I'll never be believed unless I have medication to prove it. What am I supposed to do?
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Hi Sunshine After the Rain. I remember feeling like you when I had a couple of different jobs. I was terrified of the customers. I remember realizing that my lack of self esteem was from my childhood. But I honestly don't know how to fix that other than by just getting older.

I had great fear when I got divorced and they wanted to medicate me instead of helping me get a job and keep a job (the hard part). The side effects of the medication were not worth it. The fear of fear itself was the issue. The fear of everyone else being like a critical parental figure was the issue.

Some nice woman at a support group meeting told me not to take the prozac but I didn't listen to her. I went to the meeting to get help and advice and then I ignored her. The prozac was terrible for me.

So that's my story and I hope it helps you decide what to do. If you find a really empathetic therapist that could help.
 
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Sunshine after the rain

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2019
Messages
6
Poopy doll,

I know a lot of it is from my childhood/teenage years and experiences I've had in my (many) jobs. I'm reluctant to take medication because I know of a person who became so dependant on it and the side effects frighten me. I know it works for some people though I've chatted with someone in the past but maybe it would be something I could try again...if I ever get some time to myself.

I've tried things I was told to when I feel this way like try to think about the positive things and listen to chill music playlists or try to prepare as much for the next morning the night before because mornings are hard for me. I've tried to rearrange my home to look more spacious and bright in hopes of a clear space and clear head.

That being said I still feel sick with worry and go through scenarios that happened maybe one week or months ago in my head repeatedly, especially in work while trying to look and act as normal as possible so that others won't feel uncomfortable around me and lying if I get asked how my evening/weekend was because, in reality, they don't want to know and it would only give them something else to say behind my back.

Thanks for taking the time to reply
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Hey Sunshine, I know what you mean by thinking of something a week or a month later, repeating it. Some people were mean to me a couple weeks ago, condescending to me when I was vulnerable, and every time it pops up I have to stop myself and say, "NO".

People do have the bad habit of gossiping about others behind their back. It is actually classified as violence of speech.

The only respite I get is when I meditate and the effect of a half hour to 45 minutes of meditation is to calm the thoughts for hours afterwards.
 
D

DerekL82

Member
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
8
Sorry to hear! Your description sounds a lot like one of my friends and her anxiety. Perhaps you would be better suited for a job that does not deal with external customers, but rather internal colleagues. Also, many companies nowadays recognize anxiety and mental health issues and allow time off work etc.
 
S

Sunshine after the rain

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2019
Messages
6
Poopy Doll, I've been trying to say NO but I got so panicked in the half hour leading up to work that I was crying, my heart was racing and I felt sick. I spent ages focusing on my breathing and calmed down just in time to walk into work but for the rest of the day I still kept saying 'no, that's not helpful' in my head and trying to act totally normal and fine around my colleagues.

However, as reluctant as I am to take a tablet because it can be addictive, I called the doctor while I was crying to ask for help. I got a call back later in the day and the doctor was so genuinely nice and made it feel so much easier to ask for help and gave me a prescription for a medication to keep for 'only if I really need it', giving me the choice to cope as much as I can but know that I have something there as a back-up.

I was reassured that it was good that I knew what tiggered/contributed to how I am and I was told to continue to exercise and also speak to someone in work if it continues to get help there so I took a step and spoke to a manager today in regards to what I've been hearing now and in the past to make them aware. We have planned to speak more during the week so they have a better understanding of how I have been feeling. Hopefully it'll help gain some understanding in my workplace and people won't be so quick to gossip.
 
S

Sunshine after the rain

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2019
Messages
6
DerekL82, how does your friend cope/get through it? I work in the health sector so you would think my colleagues would be more understanding but it seems they see it as more of a weakness and an opportunity to gossip. I know one person will have my back so I've had a quiet word with them to make them aware of what is going on with people talking and staring at me and whispering and we have planned to have a proper chat so I can explain exactly what has been going on with me in hopes of some understanding in the workplace.
 
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