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Mistakes, forgetting things... how much can a person take

S

Studioblue

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Finland
Hi everyone,

Warning, this is a very long and a pretty sad post:

I'm a guy in his 40s, a father of two living in Europe and having a very difficult time. I used to have a respected and well-paid job (own company) but my health started to decline and I made the mistake of having my family move from the capital to the town we are from. At the same time I lowered the pension paid for myself drastically, which would turn out to be a huge mistake as it would lower my pension incredibly much should I have to apply for disability pension at some point. The value of our old house would also get very high during the coming years so we lost hundreds of thousands.

Anyway, we moved up north and I did have a couple of good years, but then I basically stopped working, just laid on the coach most days, but didn't realise to do anything about it. Just used my savings and my wife's income. At some point I finally realised what had happened and then found out I'd screwed my possible pension (yes it's a stupid system that puts too much emphasise on the last five years you work). I'd been depressed before but for some reason didn't accept that as a diagnosis and always pretended to doctors there isn't any in me or at least it shouldn't be written down. This time it hit really hard, this was 1,5 years ago. I started to get testosterone injections, raised my pension fees and started working in a kind of a mania, determined to get my career back on track. This lasted just a few months until my hand got injured badly in a routine surgery.

The following eight months were a pretty good time. While my hand was in a terrible state there wasn't much I could do about it or to worry about work. I started to take medication to raise my dopamine levels and again I got a kind of a mania and somehow got myself deep into cryptos and lost a lot of money. I guess it was also to fill time when I couldn't really work due to my hand. Then I made one single mistake that cost me a huge work opportunity on national TV and at least thousands of euros. This got me all messed up, I was really going crazy. At this time I felt getting professional help could screw some of my plans so I kept it to myself and the poor people around me. Then another setback and I sunk into deep depression and my OCD got worse.

I was hoping time would help, but then another mistake I'd made earlier got thrown in front of me. This time it could be used against me in that hand injury thing, making whatever they pay for it less in the future. That could be a very costly mistake indeed. If they knew the truth they'd know I was really working hard before the injury, but this mistake of mine means they could claim otherwise. They might also not believe the condition my hand is in for this.

Unfortunately this continues. I was hoping to get out of cryptos with limited losses, but again I couldn't make decisions when needed and lost every opportunity I had and again lost a lot. I'd also been extremely unlucky with some stocks, owning pieces of the main success stories of the year, but selling 3/4 just a bit earlier due to following bad advice. Then there were some amateur mistakes, but those happen.

I was already feeling very low about these things when I made another very costly mistake yesterday. I forgot to apply for some covid funding for my company and again this will probably cost thousands.

I know people have sad stories and I know no-one's been hurt in this case, but I just feel too much is too much. It's a combination of being depressed, physically and mentally incapable, making terrible decisions or being unable to make decisions when needed, and extremely bad luck. My OCD is creeping back and I feel like crying all the time. My poor mum has to take my endless repetitive calls and my wife is also worried. I don't get anything done at home. However, due to the system (too long to explain) I can't apply for any financial support right now. My hand is still in bad condition, but I simply can't afford giving up and has to find ways to work with it for at least some years.

I know I'm depressed and probably have things like bipolar, ADHD, OCD, anxiety etc. I've been trying to tackle it on my own, with supplements such as lithium rotate. It seems to work slowly, but then there's always another mistake or setback and I take steps backward. I couldn't do anything to myself due to my kids, wife, my parents etc. But my thoughts are going to that side as I feel there simply isn't a good solution available. I wish so much I could turn back time and make different decisions. I wish we'd stayed in the capital and I'd continued my career as wasting my talent is so depressing too.

I wanted to write this all down for a couple of reasons. Maybe writing it will help myself, possible thoughts from others would be very welcome and maybe someone else feels everything is going against him/her, sees this post and realises things could be worse.

How does one cope from such a string or costly mistakes/being unlucky? I'm personally convinced there is more behind this all that more is mercury poisoning. There's evidence to back that and I felt I'd done chelation pretty successfully earlier, but for some reason stopped doing that and since it things started to decline until I wasn't getting anything done and didn't realise to do anything about it. On the other hand testosterone therapy and bupropion got me into a kind of a mania and I started to get something done. Anyway, now I'm feeling and anxious and don't know how to turn this around. I suppose I'm getting close to turning for professional help, but I'd love to postpone that if it were somehow possible. These costly mistakes have made it difficult to get excited about work projects as I feel there's too much catching up to be done. Still I have no choice and have to keep working something. I'm hoping testosterone injections and bupropion will help again, but I'll need to be careful to avoid mania. If I'd kept my pension fees high as I should've I wouldn't have to worry about anything, I could always step out if my health wasn't good enough.

Sometimes it feels life is unfair. It was unfair to get this sick. Unfair to move due to my illness. Unfair to lose the money in the house we left behind. Unfair to lose my career. Unfair to have my hand injured. Unfair to make all these mistakes and to pay such a high price (such as the pension thing). Then I realise in most cases it's not just bad luck, but also my terrible decisions. That makes me feel even worse, but I know my illness plays a part in it all. Reading this long post almost makes me sick as I can't believe the once so positive person has turned to this kind of a failure.
 
S

Studioblue

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Finland
If I read my own post I would probably suggest medication and professional help. I guess it'll come to this, but I was really hoping to postpone this a bit more as I'm afraid a diagnosis of being depressed could be a problem in some areas later on. But these new mistakes I keep making ruin everything.

I would love to hear how I could change the way I feel and see things. Maybe practical tips to get over past. Or maybe be told that this all is so much it's not possible to cope without medication and professional help. Any thoughts and ideas are actually welcome as I feel so lonely with my illness. I feel it's now a constant fight against everything and I think my body is starting to pay a price. Thank you!
 
S

Studioblue

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Finland
One final post for now, sorry (the 5 minute timeline of editing an earlier post run out).

I also feel some of the mistakes I've made (especially the pension thing) are worse that I've seen anywhere, apart from someone getting badly injured or killed I suppose. I also keep thinking that if we'd stayed in the capital I'd probably kept seeking help, kept in the business side and avoided the mistake I made with pension and maybe some other ones. My mind keeps getting back to those thoughts, it's almost like ending my own life would be justified for these mistakes (but I couldn't really do it for my family). So yes my mind is screwed right now.

I tried chelating mercury but it was too strong after such a long break and probably plays a part with the way my mental issues got worse. I'm sure I have a tendency towards depression anyway, but I feel mercury poisoning does play a big role. Sorry for such long posts and altogether three ones from myself! It's late here and I'm not thinking straight I guess...
 
S

Studioblue

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Finland
welcome here ,i hope you find this place useful x Lu x
Thank you! It seems like a great place that certainly helps many. But I think my post got too long so I don't know how many will actually read it through... That's what happens when one writes in this kind of a state of mind I suppose.
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,652
Location
USA
Seems like you've been through some pretty rough times, no question. I've been through periods like that, believe me. On the plus side, you're still pretty young (believe me, 40's is young.) and have time to recover.

I've always been pretty conservative in my savings and investments, never got enticed into the 'cryptos' or other risky investments-they promise big profits very quickly, but can turn south equally fast. It's better if you just spread your investment strategy out to water-down the risk and over the long term you'll still make out well.

One thing we've all learned is you can't change mistakes you've made in the past-and we've ALL made them. Best to just take them as a lesson learned and try and adjust going forward. As I noted you're still young and you can recover. In the meantime, you need to seek professional help regarding Depression-it's never a good thing to try and manage that yourself. I see a counselor on a weekly basis (virtually now, due to the pandemic) and consult with a medication professional every 3-4 months or so. I'm on one of the SSRI medications for lifelong clinical depression and it helps somewhat.

Don't get too down on yourself for mistakes you think you've made, life happens. Sometimes we err in judgment or sometimes we just don't have sufficient facts to make the correct decisions. We all try and do the best we can. The main thing is to not repeat errors that we know we're wrong, use them as a learning tool. Best of luck!
 
S

Studioblue

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Finland
Seems like you've been through some pretty rough times, no question. I've been through periods like that, believe me. On the plus side, you're still pretty young (believe me, 40's is young.) and have time to recover.

I've always been pretty conservative in my savings and investments, never got enticed into the 'cryptos' or other risky investments-they promise big profits very quickly, but can turn south equally fast. It's better if you just spread your investment strategy out to water-down the risk and over the long term you'll still make out well.

One thing we've all learned is you can't change mistakes you've made in the past-and we've ALL made them. Best to just take them as a lesson learned and try and adjust going forward. As I noted you're still young and you can recover. In the meantime, you need to seek professional help regarding Depression-it's never a good thing to try and manage that yourself. I see a counselor on a weekly basis (virtually now, due to the pandemic) and consult with a medication professional every 3-4 months or so. I'm on one of the SSRI medications for lifelong clinical depression and it helps somewhat.

Don't get too down on yourself for mistakes you think you've made, life happens. Sometimes we err in judgment or sometimes we just don't have sufficient facts to make the correct decisions. We all try and do the best we can. The main thing is to not repeat errors that we know we're wrong, use them as a learning tool. Best of luck!
Thank you so much for your kind reply, I can't say enough how much hearing from others like you means to me! I also appreciate your thoughts and sharing your experiences!

I just feel the amount of mistakes has been too much for anyone to handle, especially someone at this state of mind. I wouldn't mind single mistakes, but it's been several similar mistakes so I haven't really learned from them. I wish I had another chance, but most are gone and some are so big I don't know how to ever learn to live with them. But I guess professional help and maybe medication is the best bet.

I'm actually on the second half of being in my 40s so I don't feel that young anymore, especially with these health things, but I understand it could be more and if all goes well will be one day.

I do feel my head hasn't been working well at all and it's played a huge part in those bad mistakes/forgetting things. I do believe it's at least partly mercury poisoning, but depression (whether it's part of mercury poisoning or not) plays a big part. I could've had such a great career without this disease, things were going really well, so there's a lot of digesting in that as well. I kind of feel like ending it all would be the only way to "reset everything", but know I can't do it for my family. So I somehow have to pull through, but it's tough as you know.

Thank you so much again, I also wish you and your mental health all the best! I'd naturally love to hear from others, too, but anyway it was great to hear from at least you.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
3,681
Location
California
Hi, thank you for sharing here. As you wrote, sometimes I feel just having a place to write things out helps and hope someone can hear and relate. I also wait and wait to get better and that and everything is probably starting to be costly to my health or feels so. I am feeling tired and dizzy a lot. Extremely overwhelmed and making mistakes is such a big fear for me. I also have a family I love very much. Sometimes I get thoughts that aren't good. I know in reality those are the opposite of what I want. There is a lot to do, but this morning I have been just resting and sleeping on and off.

Alexander had some very good advice and points. I'm kind of just listening and absorbing information too. I just want you to know that I read your post, and while my situations are different I could relate to the feelings. Your restart is not just one way. I believe that life can sometimes turn out very differently than how we had planned or envisioned but it can still have wonderful parts.

As fairy lucritia said I hope you find here useful. Welcome. 💗
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,652
Location
USA
Thank you so much for your kind reply, I can't say enough how much hearing from others like you means to me! I also appreciate your thoughts and sharing your experiences!

I just feel the amount of mistakes has been too much for anyone to handle, especially someone at this state of mind. I wouldn't mind single mistakes, but it's been several similar mistakes so I haven't really learned from them. I wish I had another chance, but most are gone and some are so big I don't know how to ever learn to live with them. But I guess professional help and maybe medication is the best bet.

I'm actually on the second half of being in my 40s so I don't feel that young anymore, especially with these health things, but I understand it could be more and if all goes well will be one day.

I do feel my head hasn't been working well at all and it's played a huge part in those bad mistakes/forgetting things. I do believe it's at least partly mercury poisoning, but depression (whether it's part of mercury poisoning or not) plays a big part. I could've had such a great career without this disease, things were going really well, so there's a lot of digesting in that as well. I kind of feel like ending it all would be the only way to "reset everything", but know I can't do it for my family. So I somehow have to pull through, but it's tough as you know.

Thank you so much again, I also wish you and your mental health all the best! I'd naturally love to hear from others, too, but anyway it was great to hear from at least you.
I hope your thoughts of 'resetting everything' are just passing thoughts that we all have. I've thought of suicide as being the 'only option' when I was going through a bad period (and when things go bad, as you have described they come in bunches!). But, you don't want to go that route. As you noted you have family to think of.

You sound like a very intelligent person who fell on a long patch of bad luck. Just reading your story and the thought processes that put it together impressed me. I'm thinking, 'This guy has had a lot of disappointment, but he has a lot going for him as well. He's very intelligent.'. You don't want to deprive the world of everything you have to offer and that's probably a great deal.

MH issues are insidious, they attack people of all ages, sexes, races and everywhere along the IQ curve. I have 3 university degrees in the sciences and have battled depression since I was a teenager(and I am 66 today!). Depression spares nobody.

Not sure the situation with health care in Finland, but please get in to seek professional help aso you can fight the depression with more trained folks in your corner. We all need that assistance at some times in our life, none of us is an island.

I did some of my most productive work in my 40's, 50's and early 60's. I'll confess to having slowed down the last couple of years-but I'll be 67 in September. That's scary! But, my point is you still have a lot of time left to get it back on an even keel. And you sound like the type of man who can do it. The forum is here to listen when you have struggles, you are not alone.
 
S

Studioblue

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Finland
Hi, thank you for sharing here. As you wrote, sometimes I feel just having a place to write things out helps and hope someone can hear and relate. I also wait and wait to get better and that and everything is probably starting to be costly to my health or feels so. I am feeling tired and dizzy a lot. Extremely overwhelmed and making mistakes is such a big fear for me. I also have a family I love very much. Sometimes I get thoughts that aren't good. I know in reality those are the opposite of what I want. There is a lot to do, but this morning I have been just resting and sleeping on and off.

Alexander had some very good advice and points. I'm kind of just listening and absorbing information too. I just want you to know that I read your post, and while my situations are different I could relate to the feelings. Your restart is not just one way. I believe that life can sometimes turn out very differently than how we had planned or envisioned but it can still have wonderful parts.

As fairy lucritia said I hope you find here useful. Welcome. 💗
Hi and thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate these posts! However, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. As you guess I certainly understand the way you feel. I guess having those not so good thoughts are a kind of the only way to correct things (in our minds), so our minds tend to go to that direction when its desperate. We have families so we know that isn't really an option, but it still doesn't stop our minds from going there.

Your last sentence is so true. Life doesn't often go as we planned or hoped and for some it's harder to accept than others. I think I'm one of those who really struggle with the thought and accepting things as they are. On the other hand being depressed drives towards that as we feel we don't have the power or abilities to turn things around like healthy people do. Thank you again and I wish you all the best!!
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
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Messages
3,681
Location
California
Hi and thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate these posts! However, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. As you guess I certainly understand the way you feel. I guess having those not so good thoughts are a kind of the only way to correct things (in our minds), so our minds tend to go to that direction when its desperate. We have families so we know that isn't really an option, but it still doesn't stop our minds from going there.

Your last sentence is so true. Life doesn't often go as we planned or hoped and for some it's harder to accept than others. I think I'm one of those who really struggle with the thought and accepting things as they are. On the other hand being depressed drives towards that as we feel we don't have the power or abilities to turn things around like healthy people do. Thank you again and I wish you all the best!!
Thank you 💗
 
S

Studioblue

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Finland
I hope your thoughts of 'resetting everything' are just passing thoughts that we all have. I've thought of suicide as being the 'only option' when I was going through a bad period (and when things go bad, as you have described they come in bunches!). But, you don't want to go that route. As you noted you have family to think of.

You sound like a very intelligent person who fell on a long patch of bad luck. Just reading your story and the thought processes that put it together impressed me. I'm thinking, 'This guy has had a lot of disappointment, but he has a lot going for him as well. He's very intelligent.'. You don't want to deprive the world of everything you have to offer and that's probably a great deal.

MH issues are insidious, they attack people of all ages, sexes, races and everywhere along the IQ curve. I have 3 university degrees in the sciences and have battled depression since I was a teenager(and I am 66 today!). Depression spares nobody.

Not sure the situation with health care in Finland, but please get in to seek professional help aso you can fight the depression with more trained folks in your corner. We all need that assistance at some times in our life, none of us is an island.

I did some of my most productive work in my 40's, 50's and early 60's. I'll confess to having slowed down the last couple of years-but I'll be 67 in September. That's scary! But, my point is you still have a lot of time left to get it back on an even keel. And you sound like the type of man who can do it. The forum is here to listen when you have struggles, you are not alone.
Yeah it really really really really sucks when you're already down and bad/unlucky things come in bunches. Then you think you've had it all they just keep coming. At some point it feels like too much. But yeah I don't want or plan to go the end-it-all route. It still doesn't stop those thoughts coming occasionally when things feel too rough to handle.

It's interesting you felt from my posts I'd be intelligent, thank you I guess :) I don't know if it's true, it maybe was but I certainly don't feel like it anymore. I felt I used to be able to think further than most people, kind of see where things lead. Maybe it was me being extremely creative from a very early age or maybe it was the mercury in my brain. Now I feel dumb and that my brain isn't working even remotely as well as it should at the very least. But there are better days and better times, some days I feel much closer to normal, so maybe all hope isn't lost yet.

Thank you also for your thoughts about still having time! It's great to hear you'd been productive until recent years. Of course it's a shame the last couple of years haven't been as good, but at some point things like that must be accepted I guess. And who knows, it could still come back, I certainly hope so :)

I suppose I should realise it's now or never if I still want to achieve things. I can't postpone things any longer. I can't turn back time, and it's so hard to accept that, but the longer I postpone things the more I'll regret in the future. Thank you again for all your support and encouraging words, they honestly mean so much to me!!
 
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