Missing Mania

blamesydney

blamesydney

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I've been working on getting my medication properly evened out for the past 11 years, as I have Bipolar 1. I'm on a lot of meds. Like a lot. Last stay in the psych ward (there have been 6 stays so far) I was on the most in my unit. Not very proud of it. However I've made a LOT of headway! Only thing is, my manic spells have been almost brought to a hault. I don't even remember the last time I've gone fully manic. My doctor sees this as a great feat! But now I'm just left with the crippling depression. I'd rather be manic then depressed any day, yet my doctor seems perfectly happy to keep me depressed as long as I stay away from mania. I miss my mania!
 
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nightmare57

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I totally get where you're coming from, I really miss my mania. According to my psychiatrist its not uncommon for people with affective disorders to miss the hypomania/mania side of the disorder especially if one has long periods depression or anhedonia. I had over a year of pretty severe anhedonia and I would have done anything to be hypomanic. I just glad I didn't do anything risky to push myself to become manic as for me I think the consequences of the mania would of had a much more severe impact on me long term then the anhedonia.
 
P

philips

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I really miss the times I've been manic as well, in fact I've never heard anyone who's ever experienced mania/hypomania say that they wish they'd never had it! Yet in saying that I also know that all my psychotic episodes have happened while I'm manic so I can understand where my psychiatrist is coming from when they say I can't reduce some of my medication. Have you ever had periods where your moods are stable? Do you think you could talk to your psychiatrist about swapping or altering some medications to see if it'll help with the depression?
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

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I understand how you feel.
These days my mood is flat or I am depressed.
When manic, long ago, I felt happy and creative. I dont miss my risky behaviors though.
 
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myjourney2

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Me too, I wanna know how to trigger my mania. So far I've gotten an increase of energy but I just can't sleep and always nervous. How can I get the happy productive mania?
 
blamesydney

blamesydney

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I really miss the times I've been manic as well, in fact I've never heard anyone who's ever experienced mania/hypomania say that they wish they'd never had it! Yet in saying that I also know that all my psychotic episodes have happened while I'm manic so I can understand where my psychiatrist is coming from when they say I can't reduce some of my medication. Have you ever had periods where your moods are stable? Do you think you could talk to your psychiatrist about swapping or altering some medications to see if it'll help with the depression?
I get brief periods of normalcy, I'm start to feel a manic episode coming on slightly, and then BOOM right back down to depression. I know that this is a really good accomplishment as far as pushing myself towards more normalcy, but the depression is too much. Next appointment I'm going to push doing something about the depression. Idk if that means upping what I'm on or adding another but at this point, amount of meds is not my main concern!
 
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Hermanscoil

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I think about this exact topic often. When I was younger I didn't recognize the mania. It was also slightly more acceptable coming from a youth. Years ago, after I learned to meditate and started practicing mindfulness, this changed. I was no longer able to just ride the wave. The wave was so much more apparent and it feels so much more foreign. Like someone else is at the wheel. I suppose it is the same reason I don't like drinking beyond feeling buzzed? I'm just left completely aware of how crappy I feel. This goes as well for the depression. So, regardless of the case, I'm either aware of how fatigued and sad I feel or of the paranoid, illusory maelstrom that is a manic state. Sometimes, I close my eyes and just try to drift into the emptiness for as long as I can hoping that maybe one day, like the undertow, it will take me. I'm not currently on any meds because I can not find a therapist. I have been smoking pot as a way to cope. Recently I have stopped as I had an interview with an aerospace/defense manufacturer. So begins the ascent into restless nights, waking up at 4 or 5 AM sweating, and the bizarre dreams which bring no reprieve from the daily grind. Keep going on your meds. Personally, I would rather be depressed and melancholic rather than paranoid, delusional, and restless.
 
Topcat

Topcat

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I only really got hypomanic, but not for the last few years. I definitely miss it, even though it could be annoying or potentially embarrassing. It was the only time I was happy. Now I just get depressed all the time :(
 
blamesydney

blamesydney

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I think about this exact topic often. When I was younger I didn't recognize the mania. It was also slightly more acceptable coming from a youth. Years ago, after I learned to meditate and started practicing mindfulness, this changed. I was no longer able to just ride the wave. The wave was so much more apparent and it feels so much more foreign. Like someone else is at the wheel. I suppose it is the same reason I don't like drinking beyond feeling buzzed? I'm just left completely aware of how crappy I feel. This goes as well for the depression. So, regardless of the case, I'm either aware of how fatigued and sad I feel or of the paranoid, illusory maelstrom that is a manic state. Sometimes, I close my eyes and just try to drift into the emptiness for as long as I can hoping that maybe one day, like the undertow, it will take me. I'm not currently on any meds because I can not find a therapist. I have been smoking pot as a way to cope. Recently I have stopped as I had an interview with an aerospace/defense manufacturer. So begins the ascent into restless nights, waking up at 4 or 5 AM sweating, and the bizarre dreams which bring no reprieve from the daily grind. Keep going on your meds. Personally, I would rather be depressed and melancholic rather than paranoid, delusional, and restless.
I feel for you, I used to smoke as a way to cope as well. However now I am part of the NA program for other substances, so my husband has made me abstain from smoking "for the time being" to be fully clean. I don't consider it a drug though, so now I'm on ambien, which IS a drug. Ugh. :doh:
 
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itsmeagain

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I totally get where you're coming from, I really miss my mania. According to my psychiatrist its not uncommon for people with affective disorders to miss the hypomania/mania side of the disorder especially if one has long periods depression or anhedonia. I had over a year of pretty severe anhedonia and I would have done anything to be hypomanic. I just glad I didn't do anything risky to push myself to become manic as for me I think the consequences of the mania would of had a much more severe impact on me long term then the anhedonia.
Some people hate the numbness caused by Depakote, and actively long for the resumption of feelings, and mania feels great so they miss it.
 
daffy

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Some people hate the numbness caused by Depakote, and actively long for the resumption of feelings, and mania feels great so they miss it.
I was on deoakote for a while , then went on quetiapine and that flattenened me completely. Sure it took the mania away but it also took my personality. So glad I’m off it now
 
blamesydney

blamesydney

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Some people hate the numbness caused by Depakote, and actively long for the resumption of feelings, and mania feels great so they miss it.
Depakote made my hair fall out. :doh: I think I'd be fine feeling numb. feeling everything so intensely is little more then a curse.
 
blamesydney

blamesydney

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I was on deoakote for a while , then went on quetiapine and that flattenened me completely. Sure it took the mania away but it also took my personality. So glad I’m off it now
on quetiapine now. Def think I still have my personality though. Then again I've been on and off it since I was 14, and everytime I restart it it definitely effects me that way for a short while. I remember the most recent time being so frustrated because I couldn't read a book, and I love to read, but I just kept looking at the same sentence over and over again and nothing was happening!
 
daffy

daffy

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Depakote made my hair fall out. :doh: I think I'd be fine feeling numb. feeling everything so intensely is little more then a curse.
It didn’t make my hair fall out but it went really curly. Even my hairdresser commented that it was spiralling right from the hair shaft. It did go back to normal when I came off it
 
megirl

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I havnt been hypomanic for ages. I do miss it at times. Not the anxiety or agitation side.
The energy bucketloads of it. Getting so much done. Everything looks brighter I feel happier
 
Urban Hermit

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I haven't been diagnosed as yet, so I'm not 100% sure but I think I could be somewhat in the bipolar II area, I like the highs but am always worried that a low is always on the way...x
 
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