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Miracle Cure Or Self Healing ? What's Happening To Me ?

Zardos

Zardos

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Congratulation on your sleep through :clap: Any idea where it came from or did you just get lucky ? Either way I hope it repeats tonight (y)

Things are so so with me.. Burnt my elbow with a space heater and didn't even notice till the next day, when I noticed the huge blister had formed... I'm also out of painkillers.. So I've been coming off codeine all day.. Now I don't know weather to buy some tomorrow or not.. If I can get through today without them, maybe I can cope tomorrow to.. My son and his girlfriend are coming soon.. So I'm hoping to use that as a distraction so I don't need to take any more pills...

Heres hoping you can get some sleep tonight :)

got to run... gotta tidy ;)
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Regarding the sleep - I've been getting up every day regardless - and that's meant a few all-nighters so I guess I have banked some legitimate exhaustion :) Also stuck with the decaff tea and coffee (even swapped my mum's caddies over to decaff) and that must be helping...I've always got a cup of tea on the go. Walking every morning to kick-start melatonin production...bit of everything paid off, I guess.

I had a lazy morning and have just started zooming around in the last few hours...herded up the socks from under my son's bed and got the vacuum cleaner under there...three loads of laundry and hoovered the lounge..washed up and popped to the Co Op. Heading over to mum's in about half an hour to do her bits and pieces and have another bonfire. I cut down a pyracantha for her (Evil things! The thorns on them are so sharp and vicious!) and there's no way I'm going to attempt to chop that up and take it to the council dump! They're beautiful but just impossible to handle. One of these:

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So....my jeans pockets are stuffed with firelighters and I've got a sack of newspapers to get the blaze going :) Bonfires are happy things for me - nice memories of sitting out with my dad in deckchairs by a blaze and listening to the fire crackle. Now I'm doing it with my son ...where do the years go?

It's chillier this evening so I'm doing bangers and mash, onions and gravy for us tonight - that should keep us warm. Daren't light the ruddy thing until 10 PM in case anyone has windows open or is sat out in their garden so I guess we won't be back until midnight or the early hours, by the time I've got mum to bed (she's 85 and thinks she lives independently because I go every day and discreetly do everything ;) )

Hope your visit goes well with your son. Be great if you could ease off the codeine - nasty stuff. Sounds like another victory on your horizon!

Speak soon and lots of love your way in the meantime. :hug: xxx
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Its sounds like you've been keeping busy.. You seem to be here there and every where its no wonder that you can sleep better.. You must be knackered at the end of the day...

the bangers and mash, onions and gravy sounds delicious.. Its making my mouth water just thinking of it.. Sounds like you are heading for a great evening.. I wish you all the luck in the world... it really does sound like fun :)

My son came and went in his usual fashion, he barely said a word.. I tried starting conversations by asking him questions bu he barely looked up from he's phone.. hes in his thirty now so me cracking the whip by saying no phones isn't going to fly.

The good news is I haven't had any codeine today, and I seem to be coping without it.. I guess any day I can keep away from it the better..

The bad news is i od'ed this morning.. I mite talk about it in a different thread, somewhere more appropriate.

the time is coming up for eleven and pretty soon i've got to put myself to bed.. don't know how that is going to work.. having been unconscious for most of the day... it's all to do with my new neighbor...

well another day nearly over and i supose i ought to try and eat something.. but i don't feel hungry... but i'm still alive now, which is a win ! i guess..

Hope your day has been better than mine...

hugs :hug:
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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:eek2: What happened? Just had a look for another thread but maybe you haven't put it up yet?

Are you okay?
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Hi ya :)

yeah I'm basically okay... its nothing much I suppose.. My new neighbor filled my bins up to the top with her crap and then put them out for the bin men.. Which kind of left me nowhere when I came to put my rubbish out... and I just found it really triggering.. Is it autism where you become slave to comfortable routines ? :scratcheshead: I'm a bit like that, I like things the same.. I can't handle disruptions.. And I've got a bad filling about this...

Anyway yesterday I kind of freaked out and took to many pills to compensate, and it kind of wiped me out for the day.

Today its been like my head is full of cotten wool, I've felt dizzy all day.. Which flew by again.. The days of my life seem to be going past at an incredible speed.. I'm getting precisely nothing done.. And everything I do have is slowly slipping away..

on the plus side I've successfully resisted the temptation to buy codeine all day, so that's another day without any.. So as the theory goes I should hardly feel it tomorrow, which will be a break.. And my son is coming round in the morning.. He wants me to give him some money again... but I don't mind seeing as he works soo hard, and he will be on his own.. So I mite get a bit more out of him... going to have to get up early to go to the shop though.. Plus I've got this nagging feeling that I've missed something i should be doing....

Hope you're are doing better than this

hugs :hug:
 
Lunar Lady

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Hi,

I would have been really irritated if my neighbour filled my bins and moved them! Not surprised you were triggered. How are you feeling today?
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Hi guys :)

Its been a weird ass day all day again.. It didn't help that I didn't sleep at all last night... I was chasing down something on the internet and before I knew it, it was like four or five in the morning.. So I had no choice but to stay up... tomorrow is going to suck.. I'll be sleep hung over.. I downloaded a movie last night and I've been meaning to watch it all day.. But the noise in my head has been pretty bad.. I keep drifting off into a world of fantasy.. And I've been feeling washed out.. I'm thinking (hoping) that its codeine withdrawal...

A couple of weeks ago I was suicidal.. Then came the self harm.. Then nothing..................

I don't know what I'm feeling.. I feel more physically ill.. Than mental.. My precarious position hasn't changed in any way.. Yet my whole personality has shifted.. I'm content to 'live in the now'... even though I've always disliked people who have use that line... I need to latch onto something in the real world.. Something that would keep me anchored in the real world long enough for me to think of what to do next... but there's nothing like that left in my life... I've stopped caring about what little there is left... I stopped caring and looking after myself back in January... I look a right mess right now and I just don't care anymore...

I think it maybe the fact that I can't see anything positive in my future.. Just the decay of old age.. I'm never going to have sex again for a start.. I haven't had sex since I split up from the wife about seven years ago.. So that's it !.. Sex life over.. Never to start up again.. Over !... I've out lived it... but I can't really say I miss it that much.. Sure it looks stark when you see it in writing like that.. But most of the time I don't think about it.. A whole part, an important part of my life, just cut out and throughen away.. So what's it matter what I look like anymore.. I'm not looking to hook up with anybody, and I've never really cared what those around me think.. Being out of the game is actually liberating.. Why should it be any different to coming off codeine.. Just less chemicals sloshing around in my head.. I guess I could try eating more chocolate..

Sorry guys.. I'm woffeling... I'm having trouble focusing tonight..

hugs guys:grouphug:
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Hey Zardos,

I didn't sleep last night either. I was still awake and busy at 4 this morning and I knew I had to ring the doctor at 8.30 and get mum to the optician for 10. I feel worse going into a deep sleep for a few hours and then trying to rouse myself than I do if I just stay awake...so I stayed up and I'm still going...running on empty :rolleyes:

I don't believe we can separate physical health and mental health. Everything is inter-connected. When we feel physically unwell, it brings down our mood and everything can feel hopeless and futile. When we're mentally depressed, we can't muster the energy to take care of ourselves..we don't eat properly, sleep well or get enough daylight and then we start feeling ill. So, it makes sense to me that if you're physically run down, the future is going to seem bleak and miserable.

Our brains have to be fed - the mind needs nourishment in exactly the same way as the muscles in our body. If you chucked ten gallons of sunflower oil in your petrol tank, you wouldn't expect you car to drive....yet we starve our brains of the nutrients needed to regulate its chemistry. Your coke and dry bread diet is more basic and toxic than the food you'd get in prison...so the starting point is to start eating properly.

You're thinking "decay" and I'm thinking "preservation" - different mindset and there's only a year between us in age. I've got a young teenager who won't be 'off hands' for at least another six years before he's college age and I have no interest or desire for a relationship before then. I'm too busy and I put 100% into parenting - got nothing spare for a partner and not enough free time to want one. But I have no plans to sit alone with empty nest syndrome when he's up and off - I want a life of my own, another crack at love and purpose and interests outside of motherhood. For that future to be available, I have to take care of myself now - keep fit, active, vibrant and youthful because how I take care of myself for the next six years determines how happy and healthy I'll be when that time comes. I'm not done with life - I've got several more chapters left in me yet.

Romantic relationships are not the be all and end all. Friendships are supportive, caring and dependable - a couple of friends, a few interests and plenty of energy is a good life. When we're run down, physically tired and unwell and mentally depressed, all those things feel out of reach.

You've got a pal - I'm here talking to you. You've made progress with the codeine. You've whipped your house into shape and there's a new freezer about to arrive. All of this is progress. The next important step is to eat properly - get some food in and feed your mind. A month of good food and you won't feel like this. If I'm wrong, you have my permission to beat me with a large stick! :floggingdeadhorse:

I know you've never cooked - not a problem. I'l help with basic ten minute meal ideas and encourage you. Try it for a month and keep up the walking...and then see how you feel.

There are people engaging with you here - relating to you and wanting to connect. There's a network of support and company available at the click of a button. All the components of feeling better and enjoying life more are there - you just need to gather them in.

And now I'm rambling because I'm lacking sleep :D

Here's hoping we both go sparko tonight or tomorrow will be messy for both of us!

Big hug :hug:
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Hi Ya :)

I dunno man.. It sounds like a mighty big ask.. I've never really looked after myself before.. I guess maybe I have a depressive personality.. Or maybe I'm just to lazy to try... its so easy to let it all slide.. Or maybe the rut I'm in is just to deep.. So much of my life needs attention.. I don't know where to start... it doesn't help that my mental health is just too rocky... I never know quite what I'll be waking up to...

Last night I had the intention of having a early night.. But while I was waiting for bed time I got jumped by the sandman and blacked out... I woke up about 3am, slumped in this chair (which always amazes me... that I don't just fall out of it).. I'd slumped down with my legs straight.. So I was half in and half on the floor.. All the muscles in my legs and shoulders had locked up and I was in allot of pain.. And I was stuck ! The pain and the stiffness in my body meant my arms and legs just wouldn't answer my efforts to move.. So I had to rock myself from side to side.. So I could climb back into the chair and sit up so I could get out of the bloody thing.... Then at about half three I shut everything down and went to bed... I woke up about ten.. Still dog tired.. But for the sake of my sleep routine I forced myself to get up.. I felt hollowed out and zapped.. But I'm finding energy drinks help with the mornings... after that it was a simple case of the my usual routine of Coke, cigarettes, music and fantasy to pull myself together... its now coming up on 5:30pm and I'm just about ready to start my day... and the next thing on the agenda ?.. Going to bed !

Just pulling myself together is exhausting.. I can't get far enough ahead of it to get anything done.. All my efforts at the moment are focused on hitting my Depo on Monday.. Its a 7am start and a shed load of stress coming.. So I've got to make sure I sleep Sunday night and I have enough pills set aside.. To make it through Monday...

Your thoughts on good nutrition are interesting, and probably right... I don't treat my body and therefore my brain very well... so I guess I shouldn't be to surprised that I feel so wretched all the time... I just feel so worn down by it all... maybe I am depressed.. I can't see myself climbing out of this hole, because I can't envisage where I would be climbing out to... ... the only thing I crave...want.. Is a degree of comfort in my old age.. And that leaves me withdrawn and curled up in a ball.. So to speak... it will be interesting to see if after the new freezer is installed and I start eating a little bit better.. If I start feeling any differently... but its not going to change my age.. Which I think is my biggest stumbling block at the moment... my age really is like a dark cloud hanging over me.. My physical health is only going to get worse.. I've burnt the candle at both ends for to long.. I should really give up smoking.. (hell everyone should, cigarettes are evil things)..

A couple of weeks ago I was a hair's breadth away from e-mailing the Samaritans.. Then it was all change.. And now I just feel adrift and lost.. It doesn't really matter how many times I spin the roulette wheel.. It never lands on anything good... I keep asking myself 'what do you want?'... where would I like the wheel to land... but I can't answer that question.. I don't really 'want' anything anymore.. I have 'Needs' but not 'wants'.. Theres nothing left for me to shoot for.. No ambition.. Which saps my drive.. I guess I'm content to sit here and rot at the end of the day..... I'm thinking until I find something to aim at, I'll never find my feet.

Sorry if this was depressing.

Hugs :hug:
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Hey :)

How did it go with your Depo this morning? I hope it wasn't too stressful and you got there and back okay.

I've been in the deepest, darkest places with depression in the past. Almost catatonic at times. I've kept old notes from those days which are 'To Do' lists scrawled on the back of envelopes with nothing more than 'Get dressed' and 'Eat something' written on them. I haven't forgotten how it felt. The turning point for me was realising that walking cleared my head and gave me an energy boost. It was as if my mind was like an old boiler with a faulty ignition switch - kept clicking it but my brain wouldn't ignite and I was getting more and more numb and desensitized to the world. I got so stuck - sat still for hours crippled by decision-making and not having the energy to move. In the end, I put a sweatshirt, joggers and trainers on a chair by the front door and left them there permanently. In the mornings, I pulled on the clothes and went straight out - kept walking until I could feel myself shift and feel better. If I hadn't put the clothes on a chair by the door, I would never have made it out of the house...dressing was too overwhelming.

Where do you start? Food, my friend. This is not a personal theory - it's proven that the effects of mental illness can be minimised with good nutrition. If you want any help with what to eat, just say. Don't want to brow-beat you. Don't worry about anything else but getting the freezer stocked up and getting yourself into a pattern of regular eating. The rest will fall into place. xxx
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Hi Ya.. And thanks for the post :)

My Depo went okay I guess.. They have a new system where they draw up the injection before you go in.. So its a case of in, 'everything fine ?', jab and out.. Getting there at nine helps.. I don't really mind sitting around for an hour reading.. It soon makes the time go. I didn't like the seven o'clock start though.. I've gotten to used to waking up in my own time.. I went to bed at nine last night.. But that didn't seem to help.. Hit snooze on the alarm clock twice before admitting defeat and getting up.

Got another early start in the morning as the freezer is coming anytime after eight.. Then I guess its just a case of whats the healthiest thing I can buy frozen in a box ? Most of the boxes in the supermarket I use are £1.. So I guess its the fish.. Which is more expensive.. I'm not sure I'm ready to switch to fresh food.. Though I have been known to cook raw chicken breasts.. But I'm not convinced they're that much healthier... I'm hoping that a more wider variety of junk food maybe a little step up.. Things are easing up in the small town I live in.. And the cues for the shops have almost gone, so I mite be able to get back into Iceland.. They have more chilled stuff.. Rather than all frozen.

This lock down has really effected me harder than I first realized.. At the beginning of the year I was living much better.. Weird thing is, my mental health was worse.. I guess stabilization is what I need now... I've have entered a 'numb' period.. I wonder how I hang on to it ?

one day at a time I guess.. And inside that one step at a time.. Tomorrow's objective.... get freezer plugged in and working.. Maybe go to the shop if theres time ! Wish me luck

Hugs :hug:
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Hi Zardos :)

How are you and has the freezer arrived? :hug:

Have just tagged you to direct you to my journal for my news. Haven't been on the forum much these last two weeks but thinking of you and hope things are going well x
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Hi Lunar,

Yes the freezer turned up and my dad got me a microwave.. So I've had my first cheese burger in years.. I've also been eating pizzas and battered fish.. So my diet has been bumped up to the next level of junk food, which I guess constitutes some sort of progress at least.

but its all come at a bad time.. I haven't been sleeping.. Or going out.. My anxiety levels have been through the roof.. The only way I've been getting through it is by doping myself with pills.. Which have all gone now.. So this week end is going to be interesting...

I'll try and check out you journal to see what you've been up to.. If I can get this fog to clear..

Hope things haven't been to rough for you :)

hugs :hug:
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Hi Lunar,

Yes the freezer turned up and my dad got me a microwave.. So I've had my first cheese burger in years.. I've also been eating pizzas and battered fish.. So my diet has been bumped up to the next level of junk food, which I guess constitutes some sort of progress at least.

but its all come at a bad time.. I haven't been sleeping.. Or going out.. My anxiety levels have been through the roof.. The only way I've been getting through it is by doping myself with pills.. Which have all gone now.. So this week end is going to be interesting...

I'll try and check out you journal to see what you've been up to.. If I can get this fog to clear..

Hope things haven't been to rough for you :)

hugs :hug:
So sorry to hear about the anxiety and lack of sleep. Was there a trigger d'you think?

So happy to hear you're eating! Cheeseburgers, pizzas and battered fish is an incredible step-up from cola and bread! Great that you're kitted out now with the freezer and microwave - real progress. I've got a friend who ended up in a hoarding situation after her parents died within weeks of each other (She took in all their furniture from the family home and it was piled up in her flat and untouched for three years ....everything accumulated on top.) Her kitchen was almost completely inaccessible and she ended up in deep depression and ME symptoms. I spent a fortnight's holiday clearing the flat for her and got the kitchen set back up for eating and that was her turning point. She had just been eating from the bakery or bags of crisps - her health and mental state improved drastically when she started to make herself meals.

My sleep is still the ongoing battle. Have been falling asleep around 3 and getting up at 7.30 every day. I thought the cumulative effect of tiredness would get me back to normal but it hasn't so far. I s'pse it's a small win for someone who is usually awake all night. I'm sticking with it - I guess it might take a while...I was sleeping every third night only for more than a year.

Doing well other than that and so pleased to hear from you. Really hope your anxiety levels drop - sounds like you're having a rough time of it. x
 
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