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Miracle Cure Or Self Healing ? What's Happening To Me ?

Zardos

Zardos

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I don't get it... this time last week I was so overwhelmed with a sense of isolation and panic I was genuinely suicidal.. And now nothing !.. I have been thinking of self harm a little bit to much.. But nothing that would end my life or do me any real damage.. It was all so real to me last week.. And now I'm a different person.. As I've mentioned before my shrink adamantly maintains you can't swing that fast.. Yet here I am, and its how I feel...

I also remember taking allot of pills last week.. So I should be running out.. But I've got more than enough to last me well past Wednesday, when I get my next prescription

I had the shakes last week and I couldn't sit still... what could of caused such a dramatic change... last week the sense of impending danger was palpable.. And now.... I wouldn't say I feel good.. But I have pulled back from the brink by along way... I got up at twelve today.. Took me morning round of pills, plus a couple of diazepam.. And once they had taken effect... I put some Red Dwarf on the Tv, for background noise and just sat here to see what I was left with...

so now an hour later.. I feel okay I guess.. A bit board.. But that's normal.. I'm not in any physical pain (which is a break in itself)... I guess the only thing to do is bum around here till its time for an early night... I suppose I ought to try and eat something.. But I have no appetite for anything... well I guess theres nothing else for it... if I've got nothing else to do.. I'm going to have to do some.... housework ! :eek2:
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Great news! I’m so glad you are doing better.
Don’t worry about what your shrink says. Enjoy the good feelings. I’m so glad that you are feeling better and are safe. xo, j
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Glad you’re feeling better. :hug: How’s the housework going?

It has finally stopped raining here so it looks like I can get a walk in this afternoon. Buying a pizza for tonight as my son wants to watch ‘The Desolation of Smaug’ on the telly at 9 (the second Hobbit film) so I’ll buy some snacky bits. Air feels clean after all that rain so looking forward to a walk.
 
Zardos

Zardos

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@JessisMe Thank You for the kind words.. Its amazing the shift in my mood... I was thinking of keeping some kind of record of my daily mood.. To see if theres some pattern to it.. Or maybe figure out it there's some kind of trigger that sends me down.. Hugs and thanks. :hug:


@Lunar Lady I've hoovered every room and done the washing up.. And cleaned out the fridge, which was easy.. The was nothing in there apart from half a bottle of milk, a bottle of ketchup and an unopened tub of Dairylea...

Good luck with the film.. Personally I never went for The Lord Of The Rings films.. Let alone spin off's.. But I did like Gollum.. I can relate.. Except I don't have anything precious.. I lost everything when I split from the wife.. Plus I have to get an early night.. Got another seven o'clock start in the morning.. My doctors have overreacted to the virus and its making dealing with them almost impossible.. Tomorrow is either going to be uneventful or chaos.. But this time I do have spare pills so the pressure isn't so bad.

wish me luck (y)
 
Lunar Lady

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Sounds like you've had a great day - extremely productive. I think keeping a record is a great idea so you can see if there are patterns to how you feel.

My GP is still phone consultation only - haven't physically seen a doctor face to face since the beginning of March. Good luck with that.

I've been to B&Q today and bought a new toilet seat (exciting, I know). Will have to find a You Tube tutorial on how to unscrew the old one. :confused: My other exciting, luxury purchases included a bucket, a laundry basket and a pack of AA batteries.

Hope you have a great sleep. I'm doing so much better now it's cooler. Hopeless insomniac in the Summer months but I got almost nine hours last night and eight the night before (y)

Sleep well. Big hug and tell us about how your day goes tomorrow xxx :hug:
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Hi ya

I didn't get any sleep at all last night.. It got to late for me to go to bed... it was an accident.. I started watching clips of Dragon's Den on YouTube and I just couldn't stop.. Then it was to late for me to go to bed.. After about four, five.. I didn't really have a choice but to stay up..I needed to be up for eight to go to the chemist.. Which today was uneventful.. No mistakes !.. So I've got more pills.. But something has got screwed up somewhere as I have too many !.. Oh well I supposed they will come in handy on my dark days..

So you had fun at B&Q then ?.. I haven't been shopping like that in years... so is everything open now ? haven't had the news on in weeks.. I figure the mask thing is going to be with us until the Christmas flu season starts.. So I'm betting they're here to stay.. I don't actually mind that much.. They hide my lack of teeth..

So today has been a bit of a right off.. Now I'm just waiting for it to go dark before turning in... how did you get on finding a toilet seat tutorial ?.. Why would someone put that on YouTube .. And what was wrong with the old one.. I kind of thought toilet seats lasted for ever... different color ? Plastic to wood ? I'm sure you had a good reason..

sorry if this is a bit all over the place.. I'm really starting to feel the lack of sleep.. I find energy drinks help with the head aches.. I try not to drink too many.. One more might bump me through the next hour.. And then that's it for me...

keep taking the tablets ;)
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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We're in sync - I didn't sleep at all last night either. I usually slope off to bed around 6 in the morning and get four hours but there was bright sunshine and I felt wide awake so I just kept going. I fell asleep in the armchair for an hour this evening after dinner...and here I am at 2.40 in the morning thinking about bed shortly :doh:

Yes, all the shops are business as usual. Tend to go in the evenings when they're quieter. The loo seat wasn't straight forward - stupid plastic bolts. One unscrewed easily - the thread has gone on the other and it won't unscrew. Need to get a pair of pliers tomorrow to try and release it. Sprayed it with WD40 in the meantime. The old seat had dodgy hinges and the seat swung to the left! Had to cling to the window sill for dear life :D Yes, loads of plumber tutorials on seat removal and replacement so if I can free the plastic bolt it should be straightforward.

Hope that lovely clean fridge of yours is about to get stocked with some good food. Next time you have a Google-fest, search the effects of nutrition on mental health/treating mental health with diet. Personally, if I don't eat properly, I can drop down into a deep depression within days.

Had a three hour walk this morning which was lovely. No sleep and yet the exercise filled me with energy and gave me a mood boost. Hope you're back into your walking again.

Right! I really need need to get myself to bed. Catch up with you tomorrow :hug: x
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Hi ya :)

I'm having a bad day today.. But I was expecting it.. It's part of a pattern I've already identified.. Be awake for two days, then fall in to a very deep sleep, then wake up feeling awful.. I don't find sleep.. Or maybe that kind of sleep refreshing.. It drains me if anything.. I feel zonked...

a little while later

Its half five and I'm just about coming to life.. I feel washed out but have low anxiety.. My son is coming later.. But I don't know why he bothers.. All he does is sit behind me and play golf on his phone.. Even when I try to start up a conversation, he barely answers.. His girlfriend doesn't talk to me at all.. But to be fair I don't really know what to say to her either.. I'm no good at Making conversation' or 'Socializing'.. He's the one with a large circle of friends.. How does he behave when hes with them ? i keep trying.. but theres nothing going on with me so i have nothing to talk about... lets hope i have a better night tonight.

So you are still having fun with your loo seat.. I kind of miss d.I.y.... I live in a council place and they kind of insist on doing everything.. They don't like it when I have a go myself.. Maybe they are worried I'll put them out of a job.. Hope you get if fixed today.. Sometimes I actually like 'real' world problems.. They can snap me out of my fantasy world... help me focus for awhile.. Unless its a major problem I need to run away from :panic:


Today's another bust !.. Thursday already.. That ain't so good.. A week from now I'll be worrying about my Depo Monday.. I have to keep reminding myself a I have a clear week between now and then.. I think I've got enough stuff in that I don't have to get up early and shop.. So I'm trying to take the pressure off myself so I can have a night off.. And simply enjoy the quiet in my mind..... I don't feel too crazy.. So you gotta make hay while the sun shines I guess.

Hugs :hug:
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Hi Zardos,

That would really annoy me if someone visited me and then played on their phone :stomp: I can understand how hard it is to chat because you're home alone most of the time - not much to talk about right now from your end...and if your son is glued to his phone it must feel very awkward.

How about arranging one day of the week when he comes over for a meal with you? Doesn't have to be fancy but he won't have his phone out and it's easier to talk over food. Maybe he can help you in the kitchen - even washing up together is a bonding experience...seem to have the deepest conversations with my son when we're side by side at the kitchen sink washing and drying up. Do you ever watch a movie together? Do you have any shared interests - programmes you both like or some activity you could do together? Would he go for a walk in the country with you? Somehow, it's easier to talk side by side - less intimidating.


I can completely understand your low today. If I go two or three days without sleep my head feels like lead and I get very down. My sleeping pattern seems to have improved - still late by normal standards but I sleep deeply and get between 7-9 hours now. I bought decaffeinated tea and coffee and have those in the afternoon and evenings instead of regular. The more I walk, the better I sleep, too.

The toilet seat is fixed! (y) The WD40 loosened the bolt and the new one was a doddle to put on. The next job is laying some new flooring in the bathroom. It's a small, narrow bathroom so I'll probably pick up a lino off-cut cheaply from the carpet shop that will fit perfectly.

Are you eating better, Zardos? Was so worried about you when you said you were living on dry bread. I can get into very deep depressions and the fastest way to trigger it is by not eating well...I can feel the difference in my mental clarity within a couple of days of eating poorly. Have so much energy and enthusiasm for life on a good diet.


Why are you worrying about your Depo? D'you find the procedure itself stressful or just going for the appointment? Another week before you have to cross that bridge.

Good to hear your mind feels peaceful right now. Are you keeping a journal? Have you thought about having your mood journal here on the forum? It would help a lot of people and it also gives everyone an 'address' to visit you and leave messages. I have a journal here - I find it helpful.

Big hug and loads of love your way. :hug: xxx
 
M

markprosso538

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Hello,

I can relate to some of what you posted, lack of sleep, feeling up and down. It seems when I get a lot of sleep usually am depressed for awhile. I think I'm starting to find a balance though. If I get like 3 to 4 hours I feel much better then getting 6 or 7. The other day I slept 12 hours and wanted to stay in bed all day.

You mentioned a mood journal, i do that to look at my swings and try to see if there's a pattern, I've also drastically cut down on coffee. Eating isn't so good, but not that hungry really. My dr gave me remeron to sleep which I don't think I'm going to take. Are you on any medication?
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Lunar Lady

Hi Ya, :)

We've never been a sit down for a meal kind of family.. When we all lived together the only time we used to do that was Christmas.. Plus now I live in a tiny flat.. And I'm back on the brown bread and crisps.. We watched a movie last night.. A crap thriller.. That was on the TV.. I ended up watching the movie while he hit he's phone.. I don't really communicate well with my son.. He's quiet around me for some reason.. He doesn't like talking about my mental health, and it doesn't help his girlfriend is always with him.. They are basically joined at the hip these days.. and shes kind of straight and nomal

Its nice to hear you're getting lots of sleep.. I'm all right when I get there but its getting there that's the problem.. Maybe I should think about decaffeinated tea.. Right now I only drink Coca Cola morning, noon and night which may not be helping. My sleep is a bit of a lottery.. sometimes it helps.. sometimes it makes things worse.. I normally get six or seven hours.. sometimes I feel rested, some times I feel zonked.. Its taken me all day today to get me to a place you could call normal.

Well done on fixing your toilet.. Sounds like you have the rest of the bathroom well in hand.. The last diy I did was sanding the paint off the bed room door so that you could close it.. I need to do the same to the living room to but I haven't got around to it.

I worry about my Depo because it means going out.. The needle itself is nothing... it the stress of calling the taxi's and waiting in the waiting room. Time seem to be going past incredibly fast its already Friday night.. That's almost a week gone by... My son informs me that its a bank holiday.. So if I'm careful I don't need to go out.. So I'm concentrating on that.. See if I can't have a slow week end.. My parents have invited me for Sunday dinner.. I'm not sure if I'll go or not yet.. Guess I'll call it on how I feel when I get up on Sunday.. Though I should probably push myself to go.

Hugs :hug:
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Hello,

I can relate to some of what you posted, lack of sleep, feeling up and down. It seems when I get a lot of sleep usually am depressed for awhile. I think I'm starting to find a balance though. If I get like 3 to 4 hours I feel much better then getting 6 or 7. The other day I slept 12 hours and wanted to stay in bed all day.

You mentioned a mood journal, i do that to look at my swings and try to see if there's a pattern, I've also drastically cut down on coffee. Eating isn't so good, but not that hungry really. My dr gave me remeron to sleep which I don't think I'm going to take. Are you on any medication?
I'm on allot of medication.. But nothing to help me sleep.. I often wonder if its the act of sleeping that screws me up.. The longer I sleep the worse it gets.. When I'm asleep I don't smoke, drink Coke or take pills.. So my body isn't getting any nicotine, caffeine or medication.. So the level of them in my body must be very low.. And the longer I sleep the worse it should get... then in the morning when I get up I start taking all three and I start feeling better.. Maybe six or seven hours is too long and the freak out I get in the morning is nothing more than withdrawal
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Hiya Zardos,

I didn’t know this was a Bank Holiday weekend either!

Sad to hear you’re not eating again. :hug: Is getting out to shop the problem? There are armies if volunteers shopping for the vulnerable - if that would help you, I can find you contact numbers. (Apologies if I sound like a nag. Not my intention - I just care and have really worked my arse off with my mental health - good food was the biggest game-changer.)

The Coca Cola is going to cause you sleep issues - caffeine content plus your adrenal system being exhausted by trying to process that amount of sugar and aspartame. The quantities you drink could lead to major issues with Arthritis. Had a pal who worked as a sales rep and drank coke all day long as he drove between appointments. Ended up in hospital with inflamed joints and he couldn’t walk or hold a knife or fork. He has terrible arthritis now, in his forties and struggles with mobility. Any sweet soda drinks promote inflammatory disease so this is something to maybe look at in the long term. Feeling like crap when you wake up is likely down to your body working on overdrive all night processing toxins. (Thank you, Miss Buzz Kill 2020...yes, I’ll shut up now :redface:)

I know these things through being an addictive person - sugar...nicotine...caffeine. Been there, so I know what it’s like. :hug:

Think you’re online right now so I’ll press ‘Send’ and maybe catch you for a chat. xxx
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Hi Ya, :)

I guess my bad diet comes from years of neglect.. I've been living off Coke and cigarettes since I was a school boy. Plus I never learned how to cook anything.. So I was a basic frozen food kind of a guy.. That was until my freezer broke.. The good news is the replacement will be coming on the 8th.. That's the problem I been having with food.. It was keeping it.. I only had a fridge.. Eating out of boxes isn't exactly good food but its a step up from what I've been doing...

I was doing better at the beginning of the year.. I cut down my sugar intake by switching to diet Coke in the afternoons.. Sweeteners in my tea... and I was walking half an hour a day.. I was even beginning to lose weight.. So much so that my nurse could tell by looking at me.. And she commented on it... my sugar intake worries me.. Isn't that how you develop diabetes ? But then the lock down came and I can't get diet Coke and I stopped going for walks... I guess now thinks are easing up I should try to get back into it.. But I am kind of idle and lazy.. So getting my ass into gear is hard..

I'm alright for doing my shopping, thanks for the concern :hug:.. I live right in the middle of a small town just off the high street.. Everything I need is right at hand from the bank to the shops and even the doctors.. theres even a Sainsbury's, but I don't go in there very often.. Its more a motivation thing with me.. I only really eat because I have to.. I think smoking has wiped out my taste buds.. Nothing really taste good. I've got to get my ass into gear !.. Maybe when I get the new freezer it will act as a catalyst.. I'll have to fill it with a variety of foods.. Albeit all frozen stuff. But I guess baby steps, one at a time is at least some kind of a plan.... :scratcheshead:

Being a bum is so much easier ;)

Hugs :hug:
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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How are you, Zardos? :hug:

I had a sleep victory last night...went to bed at 1.30 and went straight through till 9.30 this morning :clap:
 
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