Minor issues with my social flatmate - help!

[Rory321]

Hey guys. This is a quite minor issue linked to my over-thinking/social anxiety but would appreciate help.

I live in a big flat-share at the minute. most of my flatmates keeps to themselves but I'm friends with one of them. We will normally arrange to do things like go to the pub, cinema etc or maybe sometimes cook dinner for each other.

I like being friends with her but my issue is that I feel like whenever we are in the flat together, that we HAVE to be talking. I don't really feel like she picks up on cues if I'm not in a chatty mood. Although I do like doing stuff with her, Monday-Friday after a long day at work, then the gym, by the time I come home literally all I want to do is make some dinner, eat it on my own in my room and watch something. I know it sounds boring but it really helps me unwind after a long day most of the time. The only thing is I feel soooo awkward about it, if I come home and she's in the kitchen because I feel obligated to just sit and talk with her when I don't necessarily want to do that all the time. How do I resolve this without coming across as rude/hurting her feelings?

 

[Nukelavee]

Hmmm.

You could try posing it as a favour she could do for you, sorta. Point out that your anxiety means you can only interact with others so much at a time, and that you need alone time, quiet time, to get back into the mood to be social.

Is your room mate a morning person, or does it take her a while to get moving and fully awake?

 

[Rory321]

Hmmm.

You could try posing it as a favour she could do for you, sorta. Point out that your anxiety means you can only interact with others so much at a time, and that you need alone time, quiet time, to get back into the mood to be social.

Is your room mate a morning person, or does it take her a while to get moving and fully awake?

I don't really see her that much in the morning, but even the times I do I just feel like it kinda sums up how she does not remotely pick up on my cues, like even if I'm just running in and out of the kitchen to grab something in a hurry before work, she'll be trying to make conversation etc.

I've not really spoken to her about my anxiety, so I'm not really sure if I want to explain it that way.

I know it doesn't seem like a huge deal and maybe I'm being over-dramatic. I'm just really not the kind of person that wants to come home after a long day at work to then tell someone about my day at work and hear about their day at work. Like I said I much prefer when we just do fun stuff, like pub, cinema etc... but obviously we don't do that every day.

Sometimes if I want to eat on my own in my room, and if she's in the kitchen, Ill use the excuse of "Aw, I'm going to eat this upstairs because I'm in the middle of watching something" but I still feel really awkward about it

 

[Nukelavee]

I understand how you feel. I used to live with one of my best friends, and she was terrible for always needing company, no matter how much I didn't. Also, she drank the brine right out of the pickle jar. In the middle of the night.

some people just naturally are chatty as long as there are people around - I can be like that. I like conversation, generally, and can extend chats longer than I really meant to. MAny people like that expect a "hard" end to a chat, like, "I gotta go" kinda thing. they don't always see it as rude or mean.

Keep in mind, part of your issue with not wanting to talk is your anxiety making you second guess things. Like, feeling awkward about it is part of being you. so, try reminding yourself that it feels awkward because that's your anxiety, not the reality.

 

[Dispatch]

Nukelavee you always give the best advice

 

[EverydayPeople]

Hi there. I love my alone time. I need it. It doesn't sound boring, or like you're being dramatic, to me. Maybe you are just another person who needs some quiet down time. I think its pretty common. I think it might be in your best interest to express your need for alone time to your roommate. Expressing your needs to someone you care about, and who you believe cares about you is the surest route to a healthy retationship between the two of you. It doesn't have to be mean at all. You just be honest, express your needs, and don't blame. Incase an example would help you might say, "Roomate, there's something I need to let you know, but I've been worried I'll hurt your feelings and that is not what I want to do at all. I am an alone time person. Every week I need some alone time. I'm telling you this because you and I often hang out at the apartment a lot, which I really like, and I was afraid that if I told you about my need for alone time a couple times a week, and that I couldn't hang out you might feel offended. It has nothing to do with you or our friendship, just sometimes I need to be alone at my home and just decompress. Does that make sense?" Hope this helps, if not I hope you find a solution that works.