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Mind if I vent?

N

NicksBreakfast

New member
Joined
Sep 15, 2016
Messages
2
Hello, my name is Nick.

I'd like to apologize in advance, because I do know all of you probably have it worse than I do, yet you're taking the time to read my venting anyway.

And for that I thank you.

I dropped my college classes because I was thinking about suicide, and I just couldn't concentrate on my school work. But because of that, I was refused financial aid, and now I'm trying to work to pay off those classes I dropped.

No job seemed intriguing in the slightest, but I applied anyway, knowing I needed the money.

I've been fired from many jobs. I've worked in restaurants, landscaping, retail, and I was even a soccer referee. Fired from it all, though. Competence is just something I don't have. I have to be constantly told how to do even the simplest of tasks that just take common sense. I go as fast as I can, but I'll get yelled at for not finishing quick enough. I try as hard as I can, but I'll get yelled at for doing it wrong. At this rate, it will take me years to pay off my classes. Heck, I don't even have a car.

I've been out of school for almost a year now, and ever since then my depression has gotten better, but within the past couple months I feel as though it's been creeping back again.

Growing up, since middle school, I've had depression, and I had closed out the world. I made a friend here and there, but I never went out of my way to talk to or get to know anyone, even my own family. I spent all my time in my room, because I did not like people. I always felt a burning "hatred" towards everyone else, but not because they've done anything to me, or because they've done something wrong. I hated them because I felt as though everyone hated me. I saw myself as a loser who couldn't do anything right. I harm myself and contemplated suicide. I didn't get any better until I dropped out of my college classes, while seeing my fourth psychologist. But because of that log period of locking myself in my room and not doing anything, I was left with no skills at all. I know that by working those jobs and forcing myself out there, I should eventually be good at talking to people.. but I'm not feeling any progress at all.

I've seem to lost connection with most of my friends, everyone going off to college and spending time with their closer friends. I've learned that the people who are "friends" in my eyes, see me as just an acquaintance in theirs. I always was just that guy in the background, I guess.

I don't even seem to enjoy anything anymore. I recently started drinking alcohol more often and smoking weed, because I realized that it was the best way for me just to forget my stresses and worries. I just kind of feel like I was programmed to be unhappy. I wish there was a job where I didn't have to deal with people, that also paid nicely. But that's probably too good to be true.

I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.
 
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LORD BURT

LORD BURT

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2013
Messages
30,800
Location
Mordor
Welcome to the forum Nick!
 
N

NicksBreakfast

New member
Joined
Sep 15, 2016
Messages
2
Thanks Burt! Much appreciated.
 
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