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Might be Bipolar

E

EternalityFlames

Member
Joined
Sep 24, 2009
Messages
20
Location
England
Ever since I was young I've shown signs of strong emotions. I have been told I may have Bipolar Disorder by a few people and I'm going to Doctors next week. I'm not seeking a diagnosis off this site but I want people to respond if they can relate to me as I feel so alone. My emotions I can't control and I feel messed up. And if I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I'm going to feel I don't belong because I feel like I'm over-dramatising everything and that it's just anxiety making me this way or something strange. I guess I just don't realise my behaviour as much as other people unless they mention it to me. I suffer from Emetophobia a severe phobia and have done since I was little. I have an anxiety disorder and OCD tendancies. Here are some things from the past and present emotional wise which has lead people to believe that I might be Bipolar and me to think maybe Im not normal and its not everyone else and maybes Im just mad.

- Last night I woke up and because I've been talking bout Bipolar I soon realised a song was in my head and I was breathing the tune and tapping away with my feet to the tune and feeling restless. I felt wide awake too and it took me ages to stop singing in my mind and get back to sleep. I do this often at the moment. I wake up sometimes 4 times a night. Sometimes I'm wide awake and humming some sort of tune and thinking bout lots of things and other times I'm still sleepy but managed to get disturbed still but never know how. Since I was young I'd always go to bed late and hated sleeping. I never wanted to sleep as I never felt tired but since the start of this year this has changed to sleeping more and going to bed early now its going to bed fairly early and waking in the night and I've now noticed that I seem to be getting more energy at night again these past few days and waking up wide awake at night which is strange to me.

- I always think about being on stage and being famous or running my own movie and the school watching it and everyone being jealous. I keep thinking and thinking and thinking about it and if someone tries to talk to me then I'll get irritated and sometimes shout at them for disturbing my thoughts then I get depressed and cry at them how depressed I am which didn't make sense when I was thinking what I was thinking. Since I was younger I have always thought at times I'm going to be famous for good and I'm special and I don't have to work hard because it'll just happen and sometimes I think I was born to help the people in the world and its my duty. But then other times and most times this year I have been depressed and thinking I'm worthless. I'll be nothing etc.

- I have been clinically depressed three times in my life and I'm 17 years old although it feels like alot more than that. I have had too many depressed periods than I can count on my fingers or down periods.

- When I have money I have got to spend it. I tell myself before I get money I'll save but as soon as I have got it. I spend it on things I think at the time I need but when I get back I realise that I've spent all my money on stuff I'll never use and I feel stupid for it but it happens each time. If I have money and I'm in a shop I will try to buy the whole store.

- I hate throwing things away. I hate even throwing things like pringle tubes away because I think I'll regret it or everything will be a value one day. This irritates people at home as when my mum wants to sell something for a bit of money I start putting up a fight even if I never use that item or it has no relevance to me. I'll scream and shout and fall out with her or other people if they throw clothes away that I haven't worn in years or don't fit me anymore. I just feel I need to keep everything and if I chuck stuff out I feel sad its as though I get an emotional attachment to my things.

- I sometimes go weeks without a bath or a shower. I feel scared to have one and I just don't want to. I have no motivation nothing and I hate mess but I never want to tidy and so my room becomes a tip and then I can't tidy it. People stress at me but I feel like its part of me and I can't control it.

- I have hurt people on impulse. I hurt my past boyfriends by all of a sudden wanting a boyfriend before that on a down period and I'll go mad searching for ways to be close to them even though I don't like them then afterwards I'm a mess wondering why I had done it. Since I was younger I'd do stuipid things such as flash to people on impulse then regret it or talk to people bout my private life and then regret it or flirt with people outrageously but not being able to control it. I sometimes want to have sex with people and feel like I couldn't control it. It's hard as I'm against all of that but I find it difficult to control. I actually don't realise what I'm doing till ages after. It's difficult for me and I do get really upset about it. I'm lucky my boyfriend now understands. I don't even want to be near boys without him as I'm scared my mood will change when I'm with them as it does often.

- Last year at the ball I danced outrageously and with a boy whilst my boyfriend was there and I knew he was watching but I couldn't stop. I had such this high feeling. I felt like it wasn't me and then at the end of the night I broke down into tears and I was saying how much I hated my life.

- I fall out with people alot. I have been mean to people in the past on impulse or in a high stage and not been able to control it then hated myself and text them or emailed them repeatedly which has drove them away from me more. I have had people calling me an attention-seeker as one minute I'd be happy and the next I'd be bawling my eyes out or crying hysterically. I have had people call me irritating as I apparently tend to talk alot and fast and I go through stages where I scream alot at things high pitched scream or laugh really weirdly like I'm way over-hyper. I have also had people calling me loopy because I've done stupid things such as cry hysterically, then I'll be shouting, then when they fall out with me over it, I have even followed them and shouting. Which isn't me and I don't know how to control it and its upsetting. I feel like I'm two different people and I can't control what I do sometimes but there are times when I feel I can but maybes thats just because I feel normal to me and feel like its everyone else who is strange and wrong bout things.

:unsure:
 
jax

jax

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
868
Location
Belfast, N.Ireland
Just saying . . :welcome:

Sorry that I am unable to read your post - not much concentration. Will give it a go another time.
Jacqui
 
K

Kitkat.

New member
Joined
Sep 27, 2009
Messages
1
I feel the exact same. I thought the bath and shower issue was just me.
 
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