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Mental Issues - approaching the opposite sex

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whiteflag

Member
Joined
Nov 14, 2008
Messages
18
I wanted to know, how do you approach someone of the opposite sex, when you know how have some mental issues going on? I'm 35 and an unmarried guy.

I suffer from depression, ADD, tics (motor), borderline Tourettes, and recently I have been dx'd with MS. I have only ever told 2 friends about the tics and the MS, and these days we only speak to each other if we bump into each other, but otherwise the friendly phonecalls and msn chats have pretty much stopped. Everytime I think that the tics must be noticeable, it throws me further into depression. I'm also a little bit slow, as they say. I get teased about it, once or twice this has happened in public even.

Sad to say, but self-esteem is rather low. I know I need to talk to someone about all these issues, but I am finding it difficult to trust any other people I know, but at the same time I find myself craving to have a confidant. Maybe I just need to talk to a professional, but I am envious of those who have very close, understanding and passionate friends or relatives, as I dont have that.

One of my biggest problems is that all my friends and relatives are getting married, and I am in my mid-30's. People ask me every week when I will get married, and I have run out of answers. I can't possibly approach a woman knowing that I have these issues going on.

I just wondered of you care to make any comment on this.
Thanks.
 
emski

emski

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2008
Messages
1,151
Location
North West
Hi Whiteflag,

Have you ever spoken to your GP about counselling? You could ask about CBT 1:1 therapy. I found group therapy effective, because the group supports you and you support them because you are going through similar things. You might not feel you have the confidence for group therapy, but it might be just the thing you need to force you out of yourself a bit more, and you get to meet people. I have stayed friends with people that I was in an inpatient group therapy situation with. Ask your doctor if there are any groups in your area, or see if there are any groups in your area run by mental health charities. There might be a waiting list, but it is a goal to aim for.
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
I'm 35 & unmarried & have been single a long time - it can be depressing & I do get lonely too sometimes. I don't know what to suggest.

I don't think being single should be made too much of a concern - quite often I'm happy to be single; especially when I see the states of some peoples relationships. I would rather be single than in a bad relationship.

Unfortunately being single is seen by society as being "odd" in some way - I don't really care too much about what society thinks any more. But it does add to the sigma & social exclusion already experienced as a result of MH issues & a history of addiction.

I don't see anything wrong in people being single; & often people can be stronger & more well rounded for it. As I say; I would rather be single than experience some of the disastrous relationships & disastrous consequences of the relationships which some of the people I have known have been involved with.
Whiteflag how many of your married & getting married friends are going to live happily ever after?

Emski's advice is good. I have found having people to confide in a help; meeting people with the Challenges we face can be hard, but there are groups & services which people can attend - Have you tried MIND & Rethink?

http://www.mind.org.uk/Mind+in+your+area/

http://www.rethink.org/

http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/getting-help

There are understanding & good people out there.

I look on being single as opportunity to be able to do certain things which would be hard in a relationship. I am prone to think that a relationship would make things easier. It is usually the case that in a relationship,; there are all your problems or challenges & also all your partners problems - it can make things even harder.

I do understand though the pressures, expectations & dreams. But getting married is not the be all & end all. A wife, kids, great income, detached house, wonderful holidays - would be good - But it is not the measure of the success of my life.

Remember too that you never know what is around the corner - you don't know how things will turn out or who you will meet. You may end up married with 10 kids. ;)

After saying at the start that I didn't know what to suggest; I have ended up suggesting things. :rolleyes:
 
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J

jamesdean

Guest
Hi whiteflag,
Certainly going to groups is a good way to meet people, the more you become involved and engage with others the more chance of meeting the right person in your life.
Try not to let your disabilities hold you back, and just enjoy the moment when you meet people of the opposite sex, you will surprise yourself and if someone likes you they will like you for all of you, I'm a firm believer that there is someone for everyone in this world. Hope this helps Take care jd
 
emski

emski

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2008
Messages
1,151
Location
North West
I do understand though the pressures, expectations & dreams. But getting married is not the be all & end all. A wife, kids, great income, detached house, wonderful holidays - would be good - But it is not the measure of the success of my life.
This is a very good point. All my friends are married or in relationships and own a house etc. Just because I don't have these things doesn't mean I'm less of a person or somehow my life isn't as meaningless as theirs. Of course most people want to fall in love and settle down, and I too am one of them. But right now I'm just about keeping it together myself - I couldn't handle a relationship.

Whiteflag,
I think if you address your problems, work on your self-esteem and depression, then the other things will come in time and naturally when it is the right time.
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
Having the husband the children the house and the career doesn't mean anything when depression hits believe me.
KP
 
Steeeve

Steeeve

Member
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
7
Location
Philadelphia
But right now I'm just about keeping it together myself - I couldn't handle a relationship.
Great point here. I've made that mistake several times. If one of your depression symptoms is a constant feeling of being overwhelmed, as is the case with me, then a relationship is the last thing you need right now. I just ended up collapsing even harder under the added pressure, and eventually the guilt of having hurt someone I cared about set in and further worsened my depression. It still hurts to know that I cant experience the same joys as a lot of my friends, but I'm at least content in having one less potential trigger in my life.

Maybe your life isnt how you hoped it would be 5, 10, or 15 years ago, but that's ok. There's no time limit on marriage, and there's nothing that says you have to spend your life with a wife and kids. Focus on bettering yourself and trying to enjoy the things you do have. Once you're okay with yourself, everything will fall into place.
 
aphex2k

aphex2k

Active member
Joined
Nov 18, 2008
Messages
32
Location
Can't say...
What about internet dating?

You can be yourself and talk to people without getting anxious and phobic, and people can get to know you. Once you feel like someone is trustworthy enough to hear about your issues, you can tell them.

It's not an overnight process, and you have to take the rough with the smooth, but stick at it. Somewhere out there a lady that fits your requirements could be sitting there lonely and you might have so many qualities and things to offer her.

Best of luck amigo!!! :clap:
 
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