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Mental Illness and commitment!

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limichelle32

Active member
Joined
Dec 31, 2014
Messages
44
So the love of my life called to let me know in November he will call to see where he is at with counseling. No contact until then not even email! He told me he has commitment issues with marriage. He said he wants to be in a serious relationship with me again when he is well. We will start off fresh and renter the relationship gradually! One day he wants to move out with me.
So let me ask you this because frankly I don't want to get marred for insurance and benefit reasons. For him it's that but also it scares him! Is it our mental illness both of us with scitzoiaffective? He told me it's apart of his illness he's worse then me.
I'm trying not to take it personally! So commitment and being mentally ill. At least that kind of commitment. What is your take?
We had been together for a decade and will be starting from scratch after he has all his problems with coping panned out!
Lisa
 
V

vimes

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2015
Messages
271
Location
uk
I have been in a steady relationship for over 20 years and part of it though serious mental health issues. They really strained the relationship but we found a way through. We are not married, partly because of insurance reasons and it has never affected us. We simply consider us to be married :D

If you really do love each other and want to be together then you will find a way and you will be happy to wait a bit while either one is seriously ill and not ready.
 
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notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
Everybody is going to have different views on this...I guess it depends how he said it - the tone in which this news was delivered.

Basically, there's a difference between: "I'm really sorry but I need some time alone to think. I still love you and I want to talk to you about this, but I just need to sort out my thoughts. Please don't worry and make sure you keep yourself occupied - I want you to have a great time and not to let this come in the way of your happiness. It's got nothing to do with you, it's all to do with me, and I'm really sorry that I have to do this, but I think it's for the better of both of us in the end."

And: "Don't phone me, don't speak to me, don't email me, for six months. I will come back in November, until then you are not part of my life."

Did you feel he considered your feelings when he was speaking? Did he seem to realise that your needs have equal importance to his needs?

I don't think it has anything to do with you, by the way, and so you shouldn't take it personally, but I think you can consider whether he is being caring in the way he is asserting his needs. And if you don't think he's being caring, you could (calmly and in a non-blaming manner) communicate to him your worries and fears.

It is absolutely ok to ask for space - of course. It is not ok to expect someone to wait around for you if you do not show them enough respect in the process.
 
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