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Mental hospital destroyed my life

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randomaccess10

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Jan 22, 2017
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In April 2016, I had a lot of severe bad things happen in my life all simultaneously.

I decided to take an antidepressant pill prescribed by the doctor.... And that started a terrible fall.

I had been taking St Johns wort. I read the label and it said don't take together so I waited a few days. However, when I took the antidepressant pill, I suddenly had a fit, ended up collapsed in the street, disoriented, and totally confused. I believe I had serotonin syndrome. I recovered, didn't go to ER since I was OK....

Over the next couple of weeks I noticed I developed complete sexual dysfunction, numbness, couldn't feel emotions or pain, this drove my anxiety through the roof! I became suicidal... I must of had heightened serotonin levels.

I gave in and thought I HAVE to get support now, went to the doctor to ask what was going on, he told me that the things I was experiencing weren't possible... I went to ER with a panic attack same again...

Now the mental health team were involved, I was in a deep depression. I went to see a psychiatrist who also told me I was 'making it up'...

Then I hit breaking point, had a panic attack and ended up going to ER. At ER they said would you like to stay voluntary in a psych ward for a couple of nights... I thought it might do me good and help...I had no idea it would be a literally fatal mistake.

When I got there I was told I MUST take medication. I explained I'd had a fit and all my problems were attributed to taking medication in the first place so refused.

The social worker threatened me and said if I don't take medication I'll be held against my will and forced to???? I said OK I'll stay voluntarily and take medication? He then told me it was too late, and since I'd refused in the first place he had no choice but to keep me in??? Totally disregarding anything i had said about the health problems i was experiencing. I suggested to him to let me go to the gym and get psychology help, he refused and insisted on drugs.

Over the next few months I was literally TERRORISED and TORTURED in hospital.

The psychiatrists decided to put me on the highest doses of an antidepressant remeron and antipsychotic seroquel. Since I was so anxious... ABOUT TAKING MEDICATION!

I explained to the psychiatrist I thought I may have had serotonin syndrome, he simply ignored me...

My anxiety was now at insane levels, I feared for my life! They also made me take lorazepan on and off.

After only 5 days on the forced medication I started getting eyesight and hearing problems. I reported these to the nurses and was ignored and threatened.

I refused to medication and was told Id be injected if I didn't...I was threatened with ECT, and threatened with larger doses. I had no choice.

The problem was simultaneously I was smoking so heavily (about 100 a day) due to the severe stress of all this, it was like a vicious cycle. I got more and more anxious due to the fear of the medication, I smoked more, literally chain smoking not sleeping :(
I was so depressed I didn't think about the smoking...


In retrospect I think I could of had CO poisoning was from really really heavy smoking. And the horrific health problems could have been from this not the drugs... I have no idea, all I know is vision/hearing deteriorated after only a few days.

On the 7th day in there i was supposed to attend a tribunal to release me from hospital. However, I woke up in literally a completely altered mental state having a fit. My eyes were jittering, a had burning nerves, I couldn't think, I was in a state of severe unbearable pain. I literally was not conscious but it felt like I'd done a huge overdose of drugs. Instead of going to the tribunal I ran off and attempted suicide since I had no idea what was going on, if this state of hell would ever end, my brain was literally on fire, severe pain, shaking, burning, HELL

I tried to run to ER, but the mental hospital had already phoned in advance to tell them there was 'nothing wrong with me' and to call if I should arrive...I was caught and injected with sleeping drugs to knock me out...I woke up with the most intense headache possible. Like I'd been repeatedly hit over the head with a hammer.

This headache lasted for over a month.

Over the next month I slipped in and out of this altered mental state, my vision was now permanently double, my hearing was getting worse, I was getting burning/tingling sensations in my arms and legs, severe muscle twitching, total confusion. I got to the point where I was collapsing, had total amnesia, lost the voice in my head, couldn't even add two numbers, and even got to the point I couldn't understand basic words, my name, or anything, like my brain wasn't there...

CO poisoning or serotonin poisoning or what??

I was constantly begging staff to take me to ER, and literally was having the door shut in my face... I literally almost died. I collasped, and staff ignored me, walking over me.

Eventually, after begging them I was taken off one of the drugs, the strong antipsychotic seroquel. By this time my hearing was almost gone, I also felt like on the verge of slipping into the hellish altered mental state/fit I was in previously, I needed to get off it as quickly as possible so I thought...

The staff now said we are taking you off the drug and now considering ECT, using it as a threat to stop me complaining about the meds...

When I withdrew from the antipsychotic I suddenly entered that altered mental state again, it lasted for a month .. With the threats of ECT and vision hearing severe pain etc etc I attempted suicide several times in my room, none really damaged me.

The staff knew something wasn't right by now with my mental state. I thought I had brain damage. I requested an MRI to confirm...they finally did one showing no structural problem.

The staff couldn't understand what mental illness I had since obviously forcing drugs on me wasn't working. They even got a second opinion from a professor.

After 2 months they discharged me, since they felt they could do nothing... By the time I left, I could barely walk, was trapped in this altered mental state like being in a constant overdose, couldn't understand basic words, couldn't stop moving, had double vision, hearing problems, and still headaches so severe it felt like I'd been hit over the head with a hammer repeatedly.

I went back to my mother's in this altered mental state of hell...I couldn't see an end to this. 3 days later my arms and legs suddenly ceased up, I could barely walk. I thought i must commit suicide before I get locked in syndrome... I walked out of my mother's, and stood by the river, knowing I'd only need to topple if my arms and legs did cease up to end my life...HELL on earth.

CO poisoning from heavy smoking or drug withdrawal? I was STILL smoking very very heavily due to the fear and completely altered mental state literally not human.

At this point my mother called emergency and I was thrown in hospital again. Over that time my arms and legs got a little better but I could barely stand up. I requested a wheelchair, they obviously thought I was insane. They tried to put me on another antipsychotic, I refused. I was then taken into the garden, held down by 12 staff and forcibly injected with it.

I was there for another month.

On discharge this time my mind had slowly come around a little. I went to multiple doctors, emergency departments, appointments private and public to attempt to solve my now worsening health problems. My vision for some reason was deteriorating, my hearing was fluctuating, I could barely walk, my balance was affected, and I still had cognitive and memory problems.

Several eye tests revealed nothing wrong with my actual eyes. I repeatedly stated it was nervous system problems and simply had eye and ear checks etc. MRI showed no signs of structural issues...my doctors 7/10 times didn't even test anything assuming it was 'made up'.
hearing tests did reveal loss but since it wasn't so bad to be aidable no doctor cared.

I could only try to work out what was wrong with me myself, was it diabetes? The drugs cause blood sugar problems and most of the food i consumed in hospital was high in sugar. No DIABETES..

Was it CO poisoning. The hospital had literally nothing to do, no counselling was offered, no group activities, all everyone did was smoke! Due to the severe anxiety, stress, and complete TORTURE in there I literally chain smoked... Could that have been causing my problems?
I had no way of knowing so assumed it. How could the drugs of caused such problems? I went and had oxygen therapy just one session which has now given me even more severe tinnitus and even more high frequency hearing loss, from a single session I was told by a doctor it would be safe...

Panicking getting nowhere the doctors now thought I was still crazy...they threw me in hospital again to stop me from attending so many appointments. I had my phone taken off me, further appointments cancelled such as neurologist etc and was told if I complained about ANY health issues I'd be locked in my room....
I was finally discharged after nearly 6 months now of torture....

So now thanks to my treatment i currently have been left with these debilitating problems;

-when i look at anything that is further than a few inches away the image wobbles, like my eyes won't stay still fixed on an object. I can't take in a whole 'scene' and the horizon jumps around.

-Vision is hazy, almost double sometimes, dim/dark, colour vision is off, and everything looks close up like I'm looking through a magnifing glass. Things look ugly.

-hearing is quiet, I have high frequency hearing loss and tinnitus that makes it difficult to sleep. I can't listen to music since it sounds distorted and struggling to hear speech if there's other background noise.

-my balance is poor, after exercise i feel severe dizziness.

-I have heavy arms and legs, weakness, and am intolerant of exercise. Walking more than a mile is impossible.

-I can't move fast, and my little fingers hurt to move??

-My memory and cognitive ability is poor and I can't plan anything. I'm also so apathetic it's like I don't care about anything.

- I'm so depressed now it's almost unsalvageable

I was a university lecturer, senior engineer in consumer audio electronics design. My career was based in heavily in audio/music all my life and now I can't hear properly. I can't even listen to music It's heart wrenching.
I was so fit and healthy before that one pill, I walked up mountains, travelled, canoeing, camping, hiking, was an expert cyclist, researcher, now I can't even ride a bike...

Everyday I now wake up in severe heart wrenching pain.

I can't sue the hospital because they just gave me medication, there are only fragments of proof of the torture I endured and it's impossible to prove what caused my health issues.

Each day I live in hell with these issues, I blame myself for going to try and get help, for stupidly going to a mental hospital, should of avoided at all costs.

So I am trying to fix what I can...

If my vision could right itself at least I could rebuild my life :( currently I'm living with a friend virtually incapacitated relying on them for support.

I don't know how to proceed and feel like my quality of life now is so poor and intolerable I'd rather not be here, and this is not because of pure depression, i loved life, but cannot participate due to these health issues..

How can I possibly move forward?
 
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cpuusage

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How can I possibly move forward?
Bitten by the Machine.

i've had bad experiences with psychiatry, hospitals & the system as well.

Past is past - acceptance - gratitude - forgiveness - try to see it all as a great gift of soul growth, learning & experience & how you can use it all to be of compassion & service to others. Focus everything that you can on your own healing.

Don't know what else to suggest? Yes it's crap, yes it's wrong, But good, bad & indifferent that is life & the realities of things currently on this planet.

Try & argue with & fight the system / establishment / consensus around all this area & you won't win.

ToxicPsychiatry - Home

Brain-Disabling Treatments in Psychiatry: Drugs, Electroshock and the Psychopharmaceutical Complex | The Huffington Post

Trying to argue the actual realities of the current system & in reality how very bad it all is doesn't work, the majority don't see it & won't have it - You will be met with endless naysayers.
 
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R

randomaccess10

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I'm facing the bleakest future imaginable. Potentially on the streets with eyesight hearing and balance issues....noone is accountable, how can that be? Is it any surprise people commit suicide on these drugs. O didn't ask for any of this, but it never leaves me 24/7, always eyes moving and hearing loss, balance problems, I had a career and loved life. The NHS wiped that out in a few days. How can it be called a hospital???
 

cpuusage

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I'm facing the bleakest future imaginable. Potentially on the streets with eyesight hearing and balance issues....noone is accountable, how can that be? Is it any surprise people commit suicide on these drugs. O didn't ask for any of this, but it never leaves me 24/7, always eyes moving and hearing loss, balance problems, I had a career and loved life. The NHS wiped that out in a few days. How can it be called a hospital???
Am sorry to hear of your struggles. i have my own horror stories. We only really know our own experience, & the current social climate is insane in itself.

i don't exactly know why everything has to be the ways it all is? i have tried to raise awareness on it all & of alternatives for decades (as a minority always have & do) - i can tell you that the system, majority of society & majority of service users are Not interested - they all maintain the status quo.

i don't know what to suggest? Yes it's all wrong & fucked up, But that is the way it is.

There are increasing amounts of suicides, people on the streets & in severe crisis, & it will all get a lot worse - there are choices, avenues & options however bad things get - try & have some hope & look for any avenues of help / support that you can find.
 
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Cazcat

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Hi, it sounds like you have had a very difficult time. When tests don't show any physical reasons for problems, that may be because the problems are not with the physical structures but with the way they function. These are refered to as functional problems and are still not well understood by many Drs. Some even believe that people are making up the symptoms, but they are not, the symptoms are very real. They can be treated and there are neurologists, psychologists and physiotherapists who specialise in treating these types of problems. There is a very good website . - neurosymptoms.org which explains about funtional problems and how they can affect people physically and cognitively. They often start in periods of stress although this is not always the case.
 
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randomaccess10

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Thanks for the response and time.
I had a good look at that useful for many I can see! I've always had this happen.
Over the past months I've read so much in the hopes that my symptoms are anxiety related and they're not ;( for example there's no eye wobble associated with anxiety although it sounds totally related. The hearing loss too...
The way I was treated in hospital made me self destruct in fear and it's like I cannot undo the damage. I'm sure force meficating my already over dosed on serotonin brain didn't help?? I can't imagine how smoking could cause such damage alone?? There's no definitive cause, all I know is I now have these problems for nearly 8 months now since a few days after being there, and I just wish there was either a way back or a way to stop my eyes moving....
 
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Cazcat

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I have also been reading a lot about functional problems, having recently experienced some myself (cognitive and tremors) and also occasionally treating patients with these problems myself (generally weakness and ballance related in my client group). I wanted to find out more about the physiology behind these problems, but it seems unclear and poorly understood. Its not something that comes up if you google symptoms of stress, although in my experience the patients that present with these problems are often going through stressful periods from reading that is not always the case.

I would suggest printing out some of the info on functional disorders and taking it to your GP. The evidence is now showing that people with functional disorders respond best to a multidiciplinary rehab approach including physiotherapy, occupational therapy and psychology. Your GP should be able to refer you for rehabilitation at the very least. Also ask about rereferal to neurology.
 
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randomaccess10

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Thanks again for the response. Have you ever had anyone with eye wobbles?? This is the most debilitating, it's like I'm on a ship in a storm 24/7 with no relief, I just don't know how to fix that...

How can this happen in a hospital??? I would of been fine if I hadn't sought help now I'm literally looking at the end.
 
Cazcat

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I've not had eye wobbles but I work on a stroke unit so tend to get peeople with hemiplegia (one side of the body weak/paralysed) loss of sensation and loss of ballance. Basicly the people who look like theyve had a stroke at first glance have also had mutism. Eye problems wouldn't come to me (I'm a physio).

From my own experience pacing myself has been key as if I do too much one day I can set myself back a week.

Do you ever have times when your eyes are slightly better or worse or is it always the same?
 
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randomaccess10

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Sounds like you're doing great work.

No my eye problems stay the same :(
I have poor depth perception, visual snow/haze, DIM colours, but worst of all difficultly fixating on an object...it's absolutely debilitating, preventing me from enjoying so much...

My only hope is its toxic and reversible, or demyelination, but I don't know if remyelination would occur.... Ivd been murdered effectively by this horrific episode accidentally going into hospital thinking it would help me ...

Do you know anything or can give any hope? I wish there was but very sceptical now 5 months on.
 
Cazcat

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Visual Symptoms - neurosymptoms.org

Again not sure regarding eyes. My friend lost her eyesight temporarily with MS, but came back with remylination. It all depends on the cause and where things are going wrong. It sounds like there is nothing wrong with the structure of the eye, was the MRI of your brain? If so and theres no damage seen in the visual area of your brain, then that leaves nerves or a functional problem.

With functional problems affecting the limbs I would approach it with graded exercise and pacing. Its also been shown that understanding about the nature of functional problems helps with recovery. Sorry I can't be much help, I don't understand enough about how eyes work andvthat website doesn't seem to offer much in the way of treatment for the eye symptoms. I think a neurologist or orthoptist specialising in functional problems would be your best bet. Maybe chase your GP about rereferal to neurology.

.
 
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Mayflower7

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Hi,
I'm so sorry for what you've gone through, I hope you get better very soon.
Take care
 
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randomaccess10

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Thanks. Indeed I have a neurologist appointment soon however I'm not sure I have high hopes about it. I've read a lot of forums that this is either Lyme disease or migraine aura, neither of those I have :/

This all started with insane stress and could be anything, CO poisoning that's damaged my nerves, or (tho unlikely) drug withdrawal. It's absolutely debilitating, I don't want to be disabled with constantly moving vision for the rest of my life that is torture!
I already have hearing loss and tinnitus to deal with essentially writing off all my interests, career, and social scene and my life for 35 years... How can o ever deal with this?
If my eyes would just stay still at least I could build a new life, ableit a downgraded one without music which I was a university lecturer in for decades and the purpose of my life...
How can those drugs be so cruel and inhumane!
This isn't like a bad chest or infection, it's my eyesight, life, career, everything.... I know now why these drugs induce suicide because I am there now.

I'm reading lots about this. It's not Lyme or MAV, someone said hyperexcitability of the visual cortex V5, I have no idea...
 
Cazcat

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It does sound horrible, really glad that you have an appointment with the neurologist. If they rule out any problem with the physical structures, then a functional problem is likely, and the good news is that because there is no damage to the structures the prognosis is good for these problems.

For me, my functional problems definately started in a time of stress. It was like my brain and body just suddenly said one day "NO MORE-I can't function under these conditions" And it was horrible and debilitating, I couldn't even make a cup of tea at their worst. I had to be so strict with pacing myself and not overdoing things when I had a good day. Gradually I'm increasing what I do and have been able to start back at work on reduced hour and duties. I'm lucky to have a supportive manager who is on board with pacing and grading my return. My cognition is still not normal, its taken me 2 days to do someones appraisal which would normally take me less than an hour. And this morning I had to deal with a member of staff injuring herself doing something stupid, something I would normally take in my stride, and I just sat shaking afterwards. But things are gradually getting easier.
 
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