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Men insulting women, put-downs. Ouch! (Ouchy ouch)

cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
When I was really lonely and isolated there werent many friends any more. In contrast to when I ran a sucessful business, pleanty of "friends" then.

One who stood by me, is now a real challenge. I cant take his insults when he is "up" and when I am "coping" He uses his great sense of humour to put me down in as very direct male/female way. Like this evening for example, we went out for dinner, me him and my fiancee (both Geordie lads so have a thing in common). Went outside for a cig. Dressed up for the occasion. He came out and asked me "have you pulled yet?" - ref to the off the shoulder semi victorian dress and shawl I was wearing.

This is one amongst many. He spends the first half of any evening (if I dress up/ make an effort) - he compliments me. Then he starts with the derision.. John finds it very hard too as he also makes very personal remarks about my nipples for example.

My way of dealing with it is to brush it off and make the joke work for him. But its a total bore and John and I are sick of it. I rarely go out at all, and do trust this friend except for this issue. Any ideas on how to deal with it better?

This friemd is now very disabled, has no other friends (its no wonder is it???) and without us he would have no one, no family, no social life. But when he is "up" he just takes the piss. I for one am sick of it.

What do I do?

Any opinions and creative suggestions especially welcome! I have run out of ideas. Have done the "dont want to see you bit" several months ago - then he had a major stroke. And with no-one else to care, we got back into helping him. Now he is up for full carers benefits. God forbid, he wants to give them to me, or John, or both of us! I dont want it. I can barely care for myself let alone him.

He really never sees anyone but us, or mainly me and us.
What is going on here?
Even with my sysfunctional family I have never cut off everyone to the extent he seems to have done. I have only known him two years. But because there is no-one else I feel I am being drawn into something a) I cant ultimately cope with and
b) If he wants a whipping boy (girl in my case), I dont want to be it.

He is a well known local "dom" (BDSM) I know him from the scene here, but not intimately personally. So cruellty and sadism is his thing. But not ever with me. That is or whould not be, and issue.

Just because I understand that he has been into BDSM does not give him permision to be Toppy with me. John hates it, and so do I. And ron does it in such a way to be really jokey and quite sneaky about it.

I dont mind actually if no one answers this, so dont worry anyone who ready it. |I think I have just answered my own question. I will actually write to him old fashioned, pen to paper with a synopsis of this.

If you got to the end of this - thankyou for listening.

Still any further ideas welcome. But I think I have got the measure of this now.

This forum is great!

Whoo-hoo!
Feel loads better. xxx to all

cl;oudberry:clap::LOL::hug::grouphug:
 
robbo

robbo

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Founding Member
Joined
May 12, 2008
Messages
63
Location
glasgow
just let him know hes being a pain in the a***!,if hes really ya mate he will stop and think what hes saying to ya.good luck:clap:
 
M

mad as a hatter

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Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
2,167
Location
scotland
think i would simply walk away from this guy if he was treatin me in this way just let him get on with things then he would realise what he,s not got ne more in ur friendship u have got 2 tk car off ur self 1st
 
Wynn

Wynn

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2008
Messages
63
I had a friend like this. When he was in a particular 'up' mood, then he thought it was his right (and very funny) to put me down, even if I was already feeling down. If I said anything his reply would be - well my male mates wouldn't get upset about it. Then when he was down he expected me to be able to drop everything and be there for him. In between times he was a really good and caring friend.

Eventually he chose a time when I was really not coping (and he knew this) to be particularly on my case. when I couldn't deal with it and told him his behaviour was making me feel really angry with him, he took great offence, and haven't really been friends since.

Take my advice - in the long run it sounds like its not worth it. Look after yourself, you don't owe him anything, and he's a grown up - he can sort out his own life. Be strong.
 
P

penelope

Guest
Be Nice: This is a tough one. If someone repeatedly makes you look and feel bad with their abusive language or taunts, its really tough to be nice. Usually a person who insults you, sub consciously knows you will not insult them or take things lying down. That's why they are motivated to insult you repeatedly in the first place. Often insulting people are insecure and emotionally weak deep within. You can be extra nice and win them over with being extra nice with genuine caring for this person. This sounds hard to be true, but can work!
 
P

penelope

Guest
Have tried to find a witty rebuff but only came up with this one. So tongue firmly in cheek :)

Looking for some help...
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Be Nice: This is a tough one. If someone repeatedly makes you look and feel bad with their abusive language or taunts, its really tough to be nice. Usually a person who insults you, sub consciously knows you will not insult them or take things lying down. That's why they are motivated to insult you repeatedly in the first place. Often insulting people are insecure and emotionally weak deep within. You can be extra nice and win them over with being extra nice with genuine caring for this person. This sounds hard to be true, but can work!
I'm quite expert at that, but it is a good suggestion. Hug :hug: and thankyou for taking the time to reply.

And to everyone who has!
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
I had a friend like this. When he was in a particular 'up' mood, then he thought it was his right (and very funny) to put me down, even if I was already feeling down. If I said anything his reply would be - well my male mates wouldn't get upset about it. Then when he was down he expected me to be able to drop everything and be there for him. In between times he was a really good and caring friend.

Eventually he chose a time when I was really not coping (and he knew this) to be particularly on my case. when I couldn't deal with it and told him his behaviour was making me feel really angry with him, he took great offence, and haven't really been friends since.

Take my advice - in the long run it sounds like its not worth it. Look after yourself, you don't owe him anything, and he's a grown up - he can sort out his own life. Be strong.
I am treading this path more an more with him, just gradually.

He is now disabled - physically, so its hard to just cut him off as he doesnt have anyone else. I sort out his tablets etc for him. He keeps offering me money, now he has some. I filled in his forms and he got a load of back pay for DLA. But I wont have his money or his car offer - DLA again. I have my own car anyway and prefer my independance.

Thanks though. It really is a sh*t. I used to like being his friend. The plusses outwieghed the minusses. Now they dont . I feel a shit because it is because I am now in a relationship and he has had this stroke. But it isnt. He was shitty with me before and I drew the line before his stroke and my engagement.

Tricky.

Got to learn how to be tough?

Oh yeah, I wish. Not. Yes. Not. yes. Oh I give up!

cloudberry :unsure:
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Have tried to find a witty rebuff but only came up with this one. So tongue firmly in cheek :)

Looking for some help...
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
LOVE IT! Brilliant.

Thankyou! LOL :clap::LOL::clap:(y):flowers:
 
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