Melt down and suicidal thoughts

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Dave22

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#1
Well this is my first ever forum posting and I'm trying to find some new ideas or comments that may help. I have enjoyed 40 years as a self employed professional, a keen sportsman and no history of mental health problems, until 2 years ago, when badly advised, I lost much of my retirement savings, and went into melt down. I became too anxious with constant regretful thoughts such that I have become unable to manage my job, I have withdrawn socially, lost fitness and can no longer manage the training sessions with my friends. I feel odd and have stopped doing anything useful as I've lost motivation and just seem to break or mess things up. My life is in chaos and I'm awkward with my family. I feel it likely I will not be alive for long and my head has been filled with suicidal thoughts; I doubt I have had more than 5 waking consecutive minutes over the past 6 months when I have not been ruminating on my financial losses, the stupidity behind this, and suicide. I gain comfort from spending hours each day surfing the net about suicide even though I know this is reinforcing my negative thinking. In additions I worry about dementia and loss of fitness. I feel many of these factors may have been relevant to Robin Williams and Ernest Hemmingway.
I have had the full involvement of consultant psychiatrists and psychologists and numerous treatments all of which have been unsuccessful. I've also tried the Samaritans etc. My wife and family are very supportive.
I continue to exercise each day, try mindfulness,but I am getting worse and am frightened I will die soon. The suicidal thoughts continue to torment me every waking hour. The effect on my wife and children hold me back as well as the further major financial loss to HMRC and my pension from my wife, but every day is really painful and I would welcome some peace!
Is this sort of story familiar to anyone? If so, did you find any other helpful ideas or is it just "continue to endure the unendurable and live the unliveable" with resilience?
 
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Gajolene

Gajolene

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#3
Welcome to the forum Dave22, I think you'll find many here that can relate to what your going through, It's seems as if your doing everything you can medically and with professionals psychologically to me which I feel you should fully continue. On the other hand they don't know what your really feeling and the anxieties you face and how bad those can get physically as well as mentally, that's where this forum has been an invaluable lifeline to me. On here others not only have good advice to give but are a great support when family, friends, collegues and the pro's just aren't getting it. There is true compassion, empathy and recovery options you may never have thought of which can help. I hope you find discussing your issues safely and anonymously on here gives you courage, and hope, and once again welcome to the forum :welcome:
 
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Mastiff mom

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#4
Hi, Dave22, welcome to the forum.i can relate to many of your struggles. Right now I am relatively stable on my meds but I become very suicidal otherwise. I am sure your family loves you for richer or poorer. But I also understand the heavy weight of responsibility you must surely be carrying. I'm so glad you found this site- I can't believe how much it's helped me. Hope to hear more from you!
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

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#5
Hi Dave22, :welcome:

I am sorry you are going through this and all that led up to it. I hope that you will come through it in time with support and treatment, we are here for you so you're not alone with it all - sounds a heavy burden to be carrying.
 
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Dave22

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#7
Thanks for all the comments and support. Has anyone tried ect in this sort of situation? The evidence for benefit seems thin and there are real concerns about cognitive / memory loss, but maybe dulling down part of my brain will help?? It's the only other treatment my psych had offered, but there is some reluctance
 
Mark_01

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#8
There are people here who have had ect, can't remember who. They didn't say it was a bad experience, can't remember what they said about how well it worked or anything. Sorry.
 
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Dave22

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#9
My mind is really obsessed with suicide and now my self hating thoughts are being used to work on the factors that hold me back, so that I will be wanting my family to hate my loathsome behaviour. How strange the mind is, but it's getting to feel like suicide has to be the way.
I am aware that my thinking has become very self centred and difficult to distract to other things.
 
Toasted Crumpet

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#10
Hi Dave, I know Nicola398 has had ECT, I am sure she would be happy to share her experiences with you, from what I remember I think she found it helpful but it is different for everyone.

For me, I would say it is an extreme treatment to resort to but only you know what is best for you. From what you say about the circumstances leading up to your depression you've been under a lot of stress and pressure and I wouldn't be surprised that anyone would be feeling the way you do.

That is just my opinion though, I hope you can gather enough information to make the best choice for you.
 
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Mastiff mom

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#11
Dear Dave22, I have had ECT. I found it a harrowing experience. I did feel much better after the third session but they insisted on continuing treatment and along with the next 6 sessions I returned to feeling suicidally depressed. The effect on my memory was substantial. I didn't recognize people I knew( very embarrassing) and I couldn't remember the layout of my own town and would end up lost. I also can't remember some memories I cherished-- like Christmas' in the past with my children. I'm not trying to throw you off the idea of trying ECT, only sharing my experience. My best friend has Ben having it and it has helped her quite a bit, though she is also experiencing the same side effects. Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.
 
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Dave22

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#12
Thanks mastiff mom. It's reassuring to know you've done this and are still alive. At present that'stthe bottom line of what I would like, but very unsure that I can manage that.
 

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