Me and boyfriend both have mental health issues - is this a recipe for disaster?

[Respecting myself]

Me and boyfriend both have mental health issues - is this a recipe for disaster?

Hi there - I have bi-polar II and BPD which means as you all know I'm pretty unstable I also have co-dependent tendancies at times which means I have poor boundaries - my boyfriend has social anxiety, agoraphobia, insomnia and his boundaries are incredibly rigid and fixed.

We fell for each other pretty much when we first met - there's something undefinable between us that I've never felt before - intense and deep. But when things are bad they are really bad - he's mean to me, I end up a mess physically and emotionally. It feels as though we're on a constant rollercoaster - we've broken up about half a dozen times but always get back together (we've only been together for a year), we don't live together and only really see each other at weekends but sometimes that feels too much - crazy eh?

He was on seroxat that made him crazy - he has come off it but that made him crazy as well - I empathise as I felt the frustration when I was on prozac.

Because of his Social Anxiety he has had to give up university - he was a mature student, hated his course, his tutors, his classmates and the university - over the last 6 weeks he has deteriorated from being able to go to uni and go other places to being trapped at home with agoraphobia, he lives with his mum who is neurotic. I work full time, sometimes it's hard but I have a really supportive team at work and am incredibly lucky that I live alone and have space whenever I want it.

I need to get my boundary issues sorted as he can push them down fairly easily, but I think we have something very special. Can it work if we're both sick?

 

[iffybob]

Ummm

I am not good with relationships, realy not good....

I have MH issuses, I "once" went out with some one with MH... the probs I had are thus........

When we were both up, PARTY, then some more, spend all the money, then crash others partys,..... repeat until one , other or both crash.

When both down, battle ground, we grated against each other and got on each others nerves, usualy ended up in seperate rooms, or other side of town from each other. general meltdown.

When one up, one down, iritated each other, called each other names, missery, no fun, boaring tw*t, this ended in many arguments.....

seroxat - screwed up my impulse control, it is suposed to make you more out going, it is known as an anti-shyness pill, for people with other MH probs I dont know, for me it was a disaster.

This is just my experience.......

I have heard it said that the needs to be at least one adult in a relationship, for me that would have to be the other person........

...boB.....( who is crap at relationships ).........

 

[Respecting myself]

...boB.....( who is crap at relationships ).........

That made me smile - not sure if it was meant to Bob - pleased to meet you!

Your description is very similar to my experience - when we're both up it's great - when we were on holiday it was amazing! But when one of is down it is hellish (he actually sent me an e-mail telling me I was boring etc) and we do grate on each other - a lot, gawd knows what would happen if we were living together!

He's off the Seroxat thank god - he was an ass on it, a total pain. Being with him when he was on Seroxat comedown was horrid - he was angry and frustrated - he seems past that and when I saw him today it was great.

We're both control freaks who need our space - we text each other and e-mail each other a lot so there isn't any head space really. We both decided to cut that down and give each other more space - hope it helps. Wish me luck!

 

[iffybob]

Being honest

I was just being honest about being crap at relationships in general, it is just the way I am.

I was trying to put in context what I was saying, and what type of person in relationships I am, thats all.

Good luck to you in all things....... boB.....

 

[Neferakhet]

Unless there is some major problem which can bother you greatly in the relationship.If you like the guy,feel like you are suited to eachother it would be logical just to go as far as it goes in my opinion.

Good luck..

 

[Mishka]

...it's a recipe.

I my self have never so much as seen a cook book.

 

[TheRedStar]

Sorry if it's a bit late for me to comment here, but I saw the thread and it struck a chord with me.

In terms of the basic question - is a relationship between two people with mental health issues a recipe for disaster? - I don't think so, not necessarily. Maybe certain blends of illness are incompatible, but then so are certain blends of people full stop.

OK, on one hand, put two people together, only one of whom has a mental illness. It could be argued that the presence of 'normality' (I apologise if anyone finds the use of this term offensive) might 'balance out' the ill person, but at the same time the non-ill person quite probably lacks empathy and is less likely to be patient with and tolerant of the partner with the condition.

On the other hand, I know there is an argument that two ill people can 'drag each other down' - that, essentially, two wrongs don't make a right. However, while it can be the case that two ill partners' lows coinciding can be a very difficult time, when only one is having a rough time the understanding and patience of the other can be priceless. This I know from personal experience, and while I'm no longer in that relationship, we didn't break up because of anything to do with our illnesses.

Basically, I figure that putting two people with illnesses together could go either way, and the only way to find out is to give it a try, and to give that try your very best. As is the case with any two people.

 

[Respecting myself]

Sorry if it's a bit late for me to comment here, but I saw the thread and it struck a chord with me.

In terms of the basic question - is a relationship between two people with mental health issues a recipe for disaster? - I don't think so, not necessarily. Maybe certain blends of illness are incompatible, but then so are certain blends of people full stop.

I agree - there are some mental illnesses that really wouldn't go together - I imagine someone with Munchaussens and one with paranoia wouldn't be much good!

OK, on one hand, put two people together, only one of whom has a mental illness. It could be argued that the presence of 'normality' (I apologise if anyone finds the use of this term offensive) might 'balance out' the ill person, but at the same time the non-ill person quite probably lacks empathy and is less likely to be patient with and tolerant of the partner with the condition.

I think you're right - my ex was "normal" (if we discount his gambling habit and obsessional hobby of aeroplanes) and he made my depression and mania far worse - he suffered stress in his late teens, early 20s and then was "better" - I even asked him about it and he said "I just decided I wasn't going to be stressed" - Golly, why didn't I think of that?

On the other hand, I know there is an argument that two ill people can 'drag each other down' - that, essentially, two wrongs don't make a right. However, while it can be the case that two ill partners' lows coinciding can be a very difficult time, when only one is having a rough time the understanding and patience of the other can be priceless. This I know from personal experience, and while I'm no longer in that relationship, we didn't break up because of anything to do with our illnesses.

I think that's where me and my boyfriend have been recently - we were both at rock bottom, totally and were driving each other nuts and further downhill. We do understand each other and he is the first guy who has seen me at my worst and managing to put up with it. It is priceless!

Basically, I figure that putting two people with illnesses together could go either way, and the only way to find out is to give it a try, and to give that try your very best. As is the case with any two people.

Hmmmm - I might stick it out in that case - seen as I love him so much!

 

[rasselas]

...

ideally, you shouldn't enter a relationship unless you feel you don't need drugs to cope with your emotions.

let's face it, most people can't cope with their emotions.

even the good stuff ends in a mash-up.

someone talked about a complementary mix of mental illness diagnoses as love-matches.

that's such a twisted suggestion there has to be some truth in it.

i wish you all well, and the best of un-well!

me? i'm holding out for a highly sexed woman who knows her miller from her baudellaire... she will self-harm with freud and binge at weekends on bukowski. she will have good teeth. her psychiatrist will drug her up merely because any other way and he has to sit there with a hard on.

she will be like betty blue before the tragic third act.

she will have money hopefully and not know what to do with it....

 

[iffybob]

Not likely

yeh , an I cant wait for real pig wings , crispy cooked between 2 slices of bread with ketchup......... I still think I'll get mine first .........

 

[TheRedStar]

ideally, you shouldn't enter a relationship unless you feel you don't need drugs to cope with your emotions.

let's face it, most people can't cope with their emotions.

even the good stuff ends in a mash-up.

someone talked about a complementary mix of mental illness diagnoses as love-matches.

that's such a twisted suggestion there has to be some truth in it.

i wish you all well, and the best of un-well!

me? i'm holding out for a highly sexed woman who knows her miller from her baudellaire... she will self-harm with freud and binge at weekends on bukowski. she will have good teeth. her psychiatrist will drug her up merely because any other way and he has to sit there with a hard on.

she will be like betty blue before the tragic third act.

she will have money hopefully and not know what to do with it....

Truthfully, I don't think I've met a single person in my entire life - mental condition/pills or not - who should really enter a relationship. The majority are emotionally unstable and/or looking for things in someone else that can (and do) only lead to disaster, and those who are emotionally controlled are scary - barely even human, in my eyes - and so shouldn't be in relationships either!

 

[philmriv]

I don't think having mental illness by itself means that two people shouldn't be in a relationship.

But I do think that the illnesses should be well managed or well recovered from.

In other words, if the problems are poorly managed, then there will eventually be serious strains on the relationship. But if the problems are well managed, then a positive and even rich and fruitful relationship is possible.