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me again, losing it again :'(

L

Lost.Boy

Active member
Joined
Oct 16, 2009
Messages
37
Location
East Anglia
Hi all, I would say nice to be back but it probably wouldn't be the most appropriate thing to say! Even when I'm SH'ing and crying my eyes out I can still make light of any situation. Guess it's a way of coping....

Anyway, been getting by for a few months now quite well with my medication, no self harming, not nearly as many tears, almost a sense of optimism, I even looked forward to xmas day, but i've felt myself dropping back down gradually and now after recovering from flu and the joy of xmas i'm finding myself in the pits of despair again.

My sleep has been gradually getting worse but last night was the worst for ages but to make things worse I can't get hold of anyone medical to speak to short of turning up at A&E and that itself is making things much harder as I feel more trapped and isolated than before. Annoyingly my docs use a 40ppm line which they have left on but with a queue that never goes lower than 1. Can't even get to talk to an on call emergency or out of hours doctor.

I've not had a lot of human interaction since before xmas eve, since then only seen my mum who I live with and that was just xmas day, she's been working and staying at her mates round the corner from where she works so whilst everyone is with loved ones, family and friends, i've been ill and at home with noone to talk to, nothing to do other than xbox and facebook cos everyone is too busy to have time for me.

As usual not sure what i'm expecting to get out of this just need to get this out there so someone can read it, just so I know there is someone out there who will give me the time of day.

God I hate depression so so much, I won't deny I enjoy elements of it that have made me who I am but this feeling of despair, the feeling that death would be an ideal alternative....just not good in the slightest.
 
T

TOONAFISH

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
2,686
Location
Bonnie Scotland
((lost boy)))

how are you feeling now? it is horrible being ill and alone, esp at this time of year. did you get hold of any mental health team?? dont have much advice just wanted to send a hug
 
L

Lost.Boy

Active member
Joined
Oct 16, 2009
Messages
37
Location
East Anglia
Sadly the most ridicullous thing is I couldn't get hold of anyone at all, even the internet couldn't help me!

Luckily my mate has the week off work so got him to come out for a bit and have a drive to the coast that helped me a lot, just as well, feel more positive but have a horrible feeling this is more evidence of how my meds make my mood swings dangerously close to BPD, not sure what i'll do though think my dose needs to go back to max (venlafaxine) so that'll probably only get worse. Trouble is it's still the most effective of everything i've been on over 13 years.

Thanks for showing concern anyway it's messages like that I need to offer me faith in mankind!
 
Prince Buster

Prince Buster

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2009
Messages
176
Location
London
I know exactly how you are feeling mate. It's not the answer but I have just bought a bottle of wine and am hoping that draining that can help me sleep tonight and I can get some medical help tomorrow.
 
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