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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Me again, boyfriend and trust

J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
955
Location
Southern USA
In my case I've lived alone for 30 years now.
I understood, finally, that I could not recognize the 'good for me' people.
That's a defect in me. I'm not unhappy.

The crux of the matter is you here.
Who is taking care of you?
 
S

squizofrenia123

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
149
Location
earth
If I were you, I would not tolerate his accusations and try to find a way to get away from him. He does not own you! You have a right to smell the way you do and trying to defend yourself about the way you smell sounds a bit too much. I also survived an abusive marriage where my ex would not allow me to do anything without him. I had no key to our apartment and had to go out with him everywhere. He also followed me to work and back then sometime stayed at my workplace to watch me. He also had paranoid schizophrenia. So, it was sad for both of us. He did not trust me and I was sick too. I became sicker with him because he had no concern about my well-being where I went to his doctor's appointments too and tried to take care of him while neglecting myself. So, the bottom line is although he was not physically abusive, he was mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. I stopped taking my medication while with him and became sicker and sicker until I could not function. I had to ask help from others to escape him! So, please don't be like me. Get out while you can! Live your life freely and independently. One of the things I learned about being on my own is that if you can't take care of yourself, then you can't take care of others. Today, I'm doing well and take care of myself. I don't worry about others for now. I'm dating again and just recently found a nice man who is healthy and productive. So, just because you are in a bad relationship now does not mean you won't be able to find a good man. I encourage to live for yourself for awhile. Then, when you are able to find peace and happiness within yourself, I would start dating again. Best wishes!
 
B

Bathfiller

Active member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
28
Location
Finland
If I were you, I would not tolerate his accusations and try to find a way to get away from him. He does not own you! You have a right to smell the way you do and trying to defend yourself about the way you smell sounds a bit too much. I also survived an abusive marriage where my ex would not allow me to do anything without him. I had no key to our apartment and had to go out with him everywhere. He also followed me to work and back then sometime stayed at my workplace to watch me. He also had paranoid schizophrenia. So, it was sad for both of us. He did not trust me and I was sick too. I became sicker with him because he had no concern about my well-being where I went to his doctor's appointments too and tried to take care of him while neglecting myself. So, the bottom line is although he was not physically abusive, he was mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. I stopped taking my medication while with him and became sicker and sicker until I could not function. I had to ask help from others to escape him! So, please don't be like me. Get out while you can! Live your life freely and independently. One of the things I learned about being on my own is that if you can't take care of yourself, then you can't take care of others. Today, I'm doing well and take care of myself. I don't worry about others for now. I'm dating again and just recently found a nice man who is healthy and productive. So, just because you are in a bad relationship now does not mean you won't be able to find a good man. I encourage to live for yourself for awhile. Then, when you are able to find peace and happiness within yourself, I would start dating again. Best wishes!
Oh wow. When I read that you didn’t have the key to the house it’s like reading my own life. I too don’t have a key. We do have many pairs and sometimes I take a key but 9 times out of 10 we go everywhere together. He drives me to work, he pickes me up. When I do drive mysef, then I have a key. But I never go anywhere by mysef. To the grocery store yes, but that’s it.
 
B

Bathfiller

Active member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
28
Location
Finland
Oh wow. When I read that you didn’t have the key to the house it’s like reading my own life. I too don’t have a key. We do have many pairs and sometimes I take a key but 9 times out of 10 we go everywhere together. He drives me to work, he pickes me up. When I do drive mysef, then I have a key. But I never go anywhere by mysef. To the grocery store yes, but that’s it.
I remember at Christmas time, I had to go shopping on my lunch break bc I could not go to the mall on my day off.
Now Im writing all the bad stuff but he’s a good man. He does provide, he has good sense of humor, he’s smart and caring and he likes adventure. He cares for others, he does want that people would be happy around him. He shows hes emotions, when he’s grumpy and in a bad mood, he doesn’t hide it. When he’s in a good mood he doesn’t hide it either.
 
B

Bathfiller

Active member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
28
Location
Finland
Well it has been almost a week now. We have never addressed the issue. It’s like we are going on with our lives as it was but without any physical touch, even on the couch, not sitting too close to each other. I must say it hurts.
But well see. Life goes on.
Thank you again for people who answered to me. Bless you
 
Miho

Miho

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 13, 2021
Messages
304
Location
Netherlands
I am sure he has his good sides. And no one person is only bad or only good. But I do think there is a lack of trust on his part and on a lot of levels he seems very selfish. You should not have to be the one to go out of her way to make everything ok for him. It should be a joint effort I think.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
955
Location
Southern USA
Well it has been almost a week now. We have never addressed the issue. It’s like we are going on with our lives as it was but without any physical touch, even on the couch, not sitting too close to each other. I must say it hurts.
But well see. Life goes on.
Thank you again for people who answered to me. Bless you
Be happy. That is all we all want for you!
Godspeed
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
73
Location
England
Well it has been almost a week now. We have never addressed the issue. It’s like we are going on with our lives as it was but without any physical touch, even on the couch, not sitting too close to each other. I must say it hurts.
But well see. Life goes on.
Thank you again for people who answered to me. Bless you
Is that him waiting for YOU to apologize, even though it's him with the problem and he should be the one apologizing, so he just sulks until he gets what he wants from you?

Maybe you should do a test. For the next few weeks go out somewhere on your own on one day each week. If he doesn't let you, you know he's controlling you and not letting you be a free person: that means he is never going to change; you will always be his 'pet'. If he gets angry or suspicious and starts accusing you of things, again, this is not the sign of a good person OR a healthy relationship. That would also tell you that it's going nowhere.

You could try getting to the heart of the matter by trying to dig into his soul to understand why he doesn't trust, it seems obvious he's been hurt before by someone, or maybe he's got things going on in his own head that he won't tell you about. You can only try and ask. My guess is he won't tell you anything and will more likely storm off. But as I said before, you have to ask yourself why YOU feel the need to be with someone even if they don't treat you well; you could meet someone else and have everything you ever wanted. You won't find that in a virtual prison cell though.
 
B

Bathfiller

Active member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
28
Location
Finland
Is that him waiting for YOU to apologize, even though it's him with the problem and he should be the one apologizing, so he just sulks until he gets what he wants from you?

Maybe you should do a test. For the next few weeks go out somewhere on your own on one day each week. If he doesn't let you, you know he's controlling you and not letting you be a free person: that means he is never going to change; you will always be his 'pet'. If he gets angry or suspicious and starts accusing you of things, again, this is not the sign of a good person OR a healthy relationship. That would also tell you that it's going nowhere.

You could try getting to the heart of the matter by trying to dig into his soul to understand why he doesn't trust, it seems obvious he's been hurt before by someone, or maybe he's got things going on in his own head that he won't tell you about. You can only try and ask. My guess is he won't tell you anything and will more likely storm off. But as I said before, you have to ask yourself why YOU feel the need to be with someone even if they don't treat you well; you could meet someone else and have everything you ever wanted. You won't find that in a virtual prison cell though.
Its true, i did feel like i needed to apologize. Neither of us did but now it’s back to normal as it might be. Physical touching is back and we talk and laugh as we did before. But I do have major anxiety now at work. Everytime someone tests the perfumes or just in general have a lot sprayed on I get extremely nervous and very close to saying people that stay away, go buy your perfume somewhere else. And then at the end of the day, I get anxious going home, it’s exhausting.
I can assume already what would be his answer if I would want to go somewhere by myself. There are things I need to figure out about myself and how to handle my emotions and how to approach his issues.
I’m so grateful that there is a community like this where I can get everything out and find relief.☺☺
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
955
Location
Southern USA
Stay with us here for support.
You don't have to live like that although I understand,
big changes are the hardest to make. Big hug.
 
P

Peppermint

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
74
Location
Somewhere
You don't deserve to be living like that. I understand the man has good qualities too but what you described is worrying. Abuse isn't just physical. I do know from experience it can be really hard to leave a relationship but at least think about other options. Hope you keep posting for support.
 

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