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**may trigger** need advice please.

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Im hopeing I can get some serious advice here rather than being judged cause believe me its not easy to write what I have to say. A little info on me first, I came off citalopram and have crossed to mirtazipine as I wasn't sleeping and found CIT no longer helped. Since i came off the CIT i have feelings again but sadly theyre mostly very angry and of low mood. I take propanolol also to help when I go out. I am back and forward with my GP ATM and I'm up to 30mg for two weeks now and he's said stick at it an hopefully soon it'll lift my mood and he'll refer me for councilling and go back in a month and see how I'm feeling and whether to go up to 45mg.
This is the particularly bad bit now and I haven't told my gp cause I'm scared of how he'll react and the implications it'll have. About two months ago when I was swapping between meds my bf, who I live with, got a new dog. The dog doesn't listen to me and is quite naughty and its totally against everything I believe but I cause the dog harm :( its like every little thing he does naughty makes me see red and I can't help but punish him. I just can't get out the mindset of hateing him. I told my bf I hate him and I'd like him to take him back the rescue but he loves the dog. He caught me hurting him once and was horrified and said he's disappointed as I'm an animal lover and hate abusers. I just don't know how to make myself stop hateing his dog. I know what I've done is wrong and I need help to stop before it goes too far. Please don't hate reply as im after genuine advice. Thanks for reading
 
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pepecat

pepecat

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Well done for writing that - it can't have been easy.

You know that hurting animals is wrong, yes?
If it's a young dog, perhaps it needs some training - and dogs do well with positive reinforcement. They like rewards, so traing by rewarding them, not by punishing them. So if they sit, give them a treat, if they heel, give them a treat - stuff like that. Then they learn that doing the right things gets them praise and love.

If you punish a dog for doing wrong, eventually it'll either get so scared it won't be happy, or it'll get aggressive and then you're in for trouble.

What is it about the dog that you don't like - do you know? Is it that it's naughty? Or is it becuase you're jealous of the bond your boyfriend and the dog have? Do you ever spend time with the dog on your own - walk it or anything like that?
 
L

lovagemuffin

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why not take him to a dog trainer that practises positive reinforcement with little practise he could understand what you want from him and you can make him do it with a pecie of food then you wouldn't hate him.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I have my own dog I walk, I don't take his unless my bf comes out walking too. I don't know what it is about the dog but he's like a trigger. I've done a lot of reading today and I'm guessing I suffer rage as that's the only rational way I can explain it. I break things when they anger me but its hard to explain. Its like something just switch's inside my head :( I've even recently felt like punching my bf in the face when we had an argument but that time I was able to walk away instead of acting on impulse. I guess I need some sort of solution to make the rage go away. I just feel so frustrated cause my life just feels like its unravelling in front of me and I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. I'm so withdrawn I barely go out unless its with my dog or to work, which I just about hold it together for. The weirdest bit is I support people, all I can think is how fucked up it is as they as more normal then me
 
Jaminacaranda

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Did your bf ask you if you minded him getting a new dog? I wondered if perhaps this was an issue for you. It's quite a responsibility, taking on a new dog, and it doesn't sound as if you really wanted one? If you are living with someone, getting a pet has to be a joint decision. If you really don't want the dog around, your boyfriend should be willing to rehome him, because you and your relationship together should be more important than a dog. If you really would like to keep the dog then I agree with the other comments that you should learn how to train him with praise, perhaps by taking him to dog training classes.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I helped him find the dog so it was a joint desicion. I just don't know how to make the dog not flick my switch. feel in a really bad place and I'm struggleing to find my way out. I just wish there was medication that worked and made me normal :(
 
pepecat

pepecat

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I've done a lot of reading today and I'm guessing I suffer rage as that's the only rational way I can explain it. I break things when they anger me but its hard to explain. Its like something just switch's inside my head
I'm guessing there's something going on inside you that's causing you to react that way. Breaking things and wanting to hurt / punch people / animals is kinda an indicator that something is going on. It also sounds like if the dog wasn't the trigger, it would be something else - that the dog has become a focus for your anger at the moment.

When you get angry (or even after the event) are you able to think about what you were feeling at the time? I mean - I guess you'd say 'I felt intense anger and I wanted to hurt something', but it may mean going deeper than that and thinking about whether it's to do with not being in control - so the dog disobeying you and not doing what you want could be it, or maybe it's about feeling humiliated when someone's cross with you, and that's what makes you angry, or it could be about feeling like you can't verbally express your feelings properly, so that's what makes you hit out physically.
When you have an arguement with your boyfriend, do you talk to him - or shout at him - I mean - are you able to verbalise your feelings in some way?
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I do a lot of shouting these days, I've almost given up with us as he doesn't listen. Literally everything in my life is messed up I'm afraid. We have a son together who sees me angry and shouty :( he knows I have medicine to try make me better. We also have a mortgage so I feel I can't break us up as its too much hassle and I have no where to go and my son wants us to be together. I just don't know how to focus my rage healthily if that even makes sense. I'm hopeing when I get to counselling she can help but I find it hard to verbally express things I need to say and I'm too scared to tell her I hurt my bfs defensless dog :(
 
T

Topcat

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I suffer rage as that's the only rational way I can explain it. I break things when they anger me but its hard to explain. Its like something just switch's inside my head I've even recently felt like punching my bf in the face when we had an argument but that time I was able to walk away instead of acting on impulse.
I get this way too. We also got a dog years ago and I had the same problem with barely contained rage :redface: she was a difficult dog tho, and I ended up being the responsible one when she wasn't mine (was husbands) then I was pregnant and it all got worse and I couldn't cope, and none of it was fair on the poor dog who I had helped make even more neurotic, so we found her a new home.
I still have anger issues, they go in cycles with my depression and mood swings, and they are the most awful thing and make me very volatile and likely to hurt myself.
I hate the rage.
I'm sorry you feel this way too :hug:
X
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Did you ever find a way to handle the rage without violence?
I know I've been this angry person as long as I can remember. I've been on and off ADs since I was 13. Had the phase where I chose to stop and went through a few years of how shall we say it, self medication and risky behaviours. I don't imagine life without medication but I just can't find one that works. Its nice in a weird way to know I'm not the only one that's is this way tho :)
 
T

Topcat

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Not much help, because no, not really.
I routinely murder inanimate objects in my house, yell, rant, get self violent.
I impulsively got a puppy back in august, and can't believe I put myself in the same possible position, I don't think straight sometimes. Luckily it's been OK, I have got cross with him, but have turned my back hall into a time out zone with his bed, food and water, so if I'm being a massive bitch and feel I am not in control, I know I can shut him there with a stuffed Kong or something and keep us apart for breaks without either of us feeling bad.
I also have 4 kids, three are 8 and under, and I lose it around them too. The only way I get by is pretty much hiding from everyone in another room. My ragey times don't usually last more than a week.
Everyone's had enough of me, husband almost left me twice last month, but this is because of a lot of other stuff too. Depression mostly.
I have taken antidepressants before, one made my agitation and anger even worse - venlafaxine, was horrible. All of them sent me loopy, I don't ever want to take them again.
Xx
 
T

Topcat

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Oh, and incidentally, the contraceptive pill also made me a crazy bitch too. The mini pill could've made me commit murder over the smallest things.
And I've reluctantly got to start taking the combined pill again now because of awful pains the doc thinks is endo.
Not looking forward to it :(
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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If I find the solution I shall be sure to share it with you.
Luckily my dog see's none of my anger. When I'm angry he comes with me and we go for a long walk but its not always that easy.
 
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