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May need advice

Luci

Luci

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Joined
Mar 15, 2019
Messages
546
Location
England
Ok so Lunus helped me realise something last week, and since then my head has been ticking.
I am not capable of holding a romantic relationship. I don't want a romantic relationship. I function a million times better without a partner to worry about. But I want sex. So I get to thinking, there must be other people who feel like this. So I did some research and found a site, chatted to some people (all anonymously) and feel more confident that this is ok for me. Society's idea of a relationship doesn't work for me. Then I stop in my tracks. Is this just the 'impulsive' trait, or risky behaviour? I mean the situation is legit, to my satisfaction, and the rules and safety measures I have put in place make me feel like this is a controlled risk... is there any such thing? Then I think, well does this make me a bad person, a bad mum... and I feel guilty. But then I feel well no why should I feel guilty, just because I am a woman, because I've recently had a baby so women allover will be disgusted at my behaviour....

Please note that this post isn't for lectures, if anyone is concerned for my safety I will happily explain the measures I have put in place via private message :) thank you for any advice or support ♡
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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England
Hi Luci,
Glad you have thought of safety measures, always let someone know where you are etc.
Take care
 
Luci

Luci

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Joined
Mar 15, 2019
Messages
546
Location
England
Thank you, I haven't went as far as actually planning to do it yet because I cant get past this cycle of thinking
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,081
Location
Norfolk
Ok so Lunus helped me realise something last week, and since then my head has been ticking.
I am not capable of holding a romantic relationship. I don't want a romantic relationship. I function a million times better without a partner to worry about. But I want sex. So I get to thinking, there must be other people who feel like this. So I did some research and found a site, chatted to some people (all anonymously) and feel more confident that this is ok for me. Society's idea of a relationship doesn't work for me. Then I stop in my tracks. Is this just the 'impulsive' trait, or risky behaviour? I mean the situation is legit, to my satisfaction, and the rules and safety measures I have put in place make me feel like this is a controlled risk... is there any such thing? Then I think, well does this make me a bad person, a bad mum... and I feel guilty. But then I feel well no why should I feel guilty, just because I am a woman, because I've recently had a baby so women allover will be disgusted at my behaviour....

Please note that this post isn't for lectures, if anyone is concerned for my safety I will happily explain the measures I have put in place via private message :) thank you for any advice or support ♡
My advice is if you want to be intimate whave a relationship. If you just want sex, just have sex. However, be mindful that you want sex for the right reasons.
So as long as you have sex without feeling you are worthless and that you don’t matter and you are doing it just to be liked, as long as you are not doing it as a short term relief from your pain, a coping strategy, I don’t see a problem if you minimise any danger. It would obviously help if your partners were single, but who would know nowadays. In summary, be mindful and take care of yourself.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,081
Location
Norfolk
My advice is if you want to be intimate whave a relationship. If you just want sex, just have sex. However, be mindful that you want sex for the right reasons.
So as long as you have sex without feeling you are worthless and that you don’t matter and you are doing it just to be liked, as long as you are not doing it as a short term relief from your pain, a coping strategy, I don’t see a problem if you minimise any danger. It would obviously help if your partners were single, but who would know nowadays. In summary, be mindful and take care of yourself.
Whatever you decide to do, it doesn’t make you a bad person at all. It just makes you..you. x
 
F

Flameheart

Guest
seems like more and more people just want sex rather than a relationship so I think you'll get on fine
 
Luci

Luci

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 15, 2019
Messages
546
Location
England
Thanks Lunus, I have already been over all of this in my head. I think it does deeper. I want sex but I am single. I don't want a relationship. I cant handle emotional relationships. I like girls aswell as boys. So found a couple who just want sex, they have a relationship together. They just want a friend who pops in to have sex a few times a year. As a busy single mum this is ideal for me. Last time I was single at didnt have sex for 3 years because I felt so bad about myself, that I shouldn't have sex with someone I don't love, that a good mum doesn't behave that way, that I should be sexless and only exist as my sons mum outside of work and friendship. Then I realised it was his dads voice saying these things to me, it wasn't me. What I do in my private time without my children is no ones business and doesn't effect my ability to parent my children. I had a one night stand with someone I knew and it became a regular thing. Hang out, sex, bye.... then I met my most recent ex and we all kind of know how that ended. I am wondering if the new voice is his becaue5 it relates to the lady of the couple. The hated the fact I had sexual relationships with ladies and made him feel insecure. I have spent the last 5 years not singing because it annoys him, not playing on my phone because its rude, not interrupting him in his man cave because it's his personal time, and lying about my sexuality because he didn't like it.... on top of the rest.
This situation seems perfect for me. Yes I have just has a baby, but I have a sex drive, despite all the shit going on in my life I love myself, I may doubt myself and suffer with my mental health but I know who I am and what I want. I have only told one friend about this for safety reasons and of course because I may meet this couple and they may decide it is not for them? Their relationship is the most important thing here I am just using them.... so to speak... I have to respect their privacy, as of course this is not the social norm and their personal life is in this. Mine isn't. I want and deserve something for me.... separate, no complications....
I think I have just answers my own questions with your input and advice :) I can always count on you guys to clear my thoughts. Out of hours CPN you are ♡
 
Luci

Luci

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Joined
Mar 15, 2019
Messages
546
Location
England
Most importantly, a really hot couple have seen me naked and find me attractive and want to have sex with me, even though I have recently given birth :) so it's a little confidence boost too
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,081
Location
Norfolk
Thanks Lunus, I have already been over all of this in my head. I think it does deeper. I want sex but I am single. I don't want a relationship. I cant handle emotional relationships. I like girls aswell as boys. So found a couple who just want sex, they have a relationship together. They just want a friend who pops in to have sex a few times a year. As a busy single mum this is ideal for me. Last time I was single at didnt have sex for 3 years because I felt so bad about myself, that I shouldn't have sex with someone I don't love, that a good mum doesn't behave that way, that I should be sexless and only exist as my sons mum outside of work and friendship. Then I realised it was his dads voice saying these things to me, it wasn't me. What I do in my private time without my children is no ones business and doesn't effect my ability to parent my children. I had a one night stand with someone I knew and it became a regular thing. Hang out, sex, bye.... then I met my most recent ex and we all kind of know how that ended. I am wondering if the new voice is his becaue5 it relates to the lady of the couple. The hated the fact I had sexual relationships with ladies and made him feel insecure. I have spent the last 5 years not singing because it annoys him, not playing on my phone because its rude, not interrupting him in his man cave because it's his personal time, and lying about my sexuality because he didn't like it.... on top of the rest.
This situation seems perfect for me. Yes I have just has a baby, but I have a sex drive, despite all the shit going on in my life I love myself, I may doubt myself and suffer with my mental health but I know who I am and what I want. I have only told one friend about this for safety reasons and of course because I may meet this couple and they may decide it is not for them? Their relationship is the most important thing here I am just using them.... so to speak... I have to respect their privacy, as of course this is not the social norm and their personal life is in this. Mine isn't. I want and deserve something for me.... separate, no complications....
I think I have just answers my own questions with your input and advice :) I can always count on you guys to clear my thoughts. Out of hours CPN you are ♡
It would appear you are quite insightful as to your needs and what will make you happy. Your solution actually took me back to a time I did exactly the same thing. Initially I struggled with thoughts over who was ‘using’ who but if you clear your mind you should just be able to have some fun.
When things have settled down for you, don’t dismiss having a relationship. Although living with somebody with BPD is very difficult, when you find somebody who has the intellect to understand how to manage the situation, the benefits far outweigh the negatives. You have just been with the wrong people (so far).
So for now, just be you and go and enjoy yourself.
 
F

Flameheart

Guest
just make sure you tell people all you want is sex rather than leading people on and then making them feel worthless thanks
 
Luci

Luci

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 15, 2019
Messages
546
Location
England
When things have settled down for you, don’t dismiss having a relationship. Although living with somebody with BPD is very difficult, when you find somebody who has the intellect to understand how to manage the situation, the benefits far outweigh the negatives. You have just been with the wrong people (so far).
So for now, just be you and go and enjoy yourself.
Aw no I would never rule it out completely, I just need to focus on my boys and myself. A partner doesn't fit into that, at least not right now. I'm happier and function better single :)

just make sure you tell people all you want is sex rather than leading people on and then making them feel worthless thanks
Oh absolutely, I have been honest and upfront from the outset (one of my traits anyway) I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, and will be mindful of others emotions. I treat people how I would expect to be treated :)
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,425
You are an adult and you can make choices that are good for you, but you are particularly vulnerable right now and I’m not being a prude, but I think you need to look after you right now.

I wouldn’t do it until you have your whole kid thing sorted out. This is the type of thing I did in my 20s and my therapist rightly pointed out that it was my “self harm.”
 
Luci

Luci

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 15, 2019
Messages
546
Location
England
I know what you mean and I had all of these thoughts to myself, when I was in my 20s I had a casual partner who was my friend, and I never left feeling like I do after being intimate with one of my partners who was supposed to love me. I left feeling satisfied and respected. Everyone is different and sees sex in different ways, I enjoy sex without an emotional connection. It's the emotional connection that makes me vulnerable to people... does that make sense?
 
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