Marriage issues

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streetglideopie

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#1
Me and my wife have been together for almost 18 years. Since high school. She has never been one to change her situation for the better and her lack of motivation over the years drives me crazy. On top of that I feel that we as people have evolved over the years and are interested in different things, even sexually. A few years ago she cheated on me multipl e times and I just forgave her for all of it. And I went to counseling. She promised she would but never did. She never initates sex, ever. And I'm tired of doing it. We tried having threesome and had a blast a few times and she says she is ok with it but never works to put us in that position. Instead she flirts all night and is touchy feely with other women, then when I show an interest its a dead stop. I enjoyed dou g this and I felt we connected in a way we never have before and we were so close for months afterwards and now she insists I have a sex problem. I just believe I have a stronger desire. I have been to counseling for this as well but feel the same, and she still has not changed on any level. I lover her to death but at the same time I am starting to loose interest because she has no motivation and really has not changed on any level. And when I bring it up its always a fight and I end up just pushing it to the back of my mind and now I feel I am in a depressive state. Please help.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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#2
Have you gone for specif counselor that deals with the sex issue. But both of You will need to go otherwise. But also maybe it would help if you communicated What you need within reason and with respect of course.

When was the last time you had quality time together? like a nice meal out? a surprise?
ultimately you both need to both need to communicate. men and women have different ideas
of what is a successful relationship and if you arent listening to each other..assumptions
and resentments creep in. do you take your wife for granted?

this post to me is crying out for lack of authentic communication from you and i suspect your wife.

so in a nutshell until or unless you both have authentic communication then you will feel depressed
that will not go away. have you got what it takes to initiate this? and yes it may take a bit of time
to get your wife to hear you.but if she sees that you are being more communicative then she might just..

this is where counseling helps with you can learn to verbalise things that are way too scary or that you just
dont have the blueprint for.
 
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streetglideopie

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#3
We have quality time fairly often as much as 2 parents can and have a decent sex life but only when I initiate. She never seems in the mood by her own. We communicate fairly good but anytime I communicate about sex she gets defensive like she tries and is going out of her way but it is far and few in between and she sees me as being too needy and that I have a problem but I just feel like I'm evolving and she will not work with me. I hold her up on a pedistool and do everything she asks. Anytime she wants me to change I do it. I help around the house cooking, cleaning ECT. And always show her emotional and physical attraction on the daily so I know she is not overwhelmed by tasks
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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#4
ah but something is missing if like you say you are communicating then there shouldnt be a problem. expectations yours and hers are maybe different. will she talk to you about why its difficult to initiate? -"good girls dont" is a programed into girls or it used to be!

you sound caring and considerate. the bottom line it seems is that she doesnt seem to want sex as much as you do. so where do you go from there? can you be affectionate and just cuddle up without it always turning to sex? that would maybe start to help as your wife wont think," oh i know where this is going and ive got a headache!"
 
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streetglideopie

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#5
Re

ah but something is missing if like you say you are communicating then there shouldnt be a problem. expectations yours and hers are maybe different. will she talk to you about why its difficult to initiate? -"good girls dont" is a programed into girls or it used to be!

you sound caring and considerate. the bottom line it seems is that she doesnt seem to want sex as much as you do. so where do you go from there? can you be affectionate and just cuddle up without it always turning to sex? that would maybe start to help as your wife wont think," oh i know where this is going and ive got a headache!"
: she always says its timing which I can understand for the most part. But I always find ways and I feel she should as well.and as far as communication we tell each other how we feel but my feelings for what I want seem too taboo for her and its more or less her way or nothing at all which a feel is not right. We are an affectionate couple, still hold hands cuddle send fun texts regularly, but if anything happens its because I put it in motion, and as far as trying something out of the box I understand time and place but when its dangled in my face her excuse is its just girls being girls
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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#6
But I always find ways and I feel she should as well
ah expectations.the word should is not a flexible one it suggests that you expect her to behave in a certain way.

but if you have always initiated then that is what she is accustomed to expect.
can you talk to any of your friends who you can trust and are sensible. as a problem shared...
 
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streetglideopie

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#7
Not really. I'm just looking for outside suggestions. So is it wrong of me to expect the same effort as I am willing to put in
 
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Helena1

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#8
I think it is pretty unrealistic to think she will change at this point as you have said she has always been unmotivated, unless she has depression or something else causing the issue then it is probably just her personality.
 
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Bloomed24

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#9
My partner right now is the fucking same way.lack of self motivation disgustingly lazy and I always freaking big fight with him for lacking energy motivation the whole family he’s into staring ceiling waiting being stupid as fuck. Terribleeee
 
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Bloomed24

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#10
Btw I think it’s time for you to Let go. Acceptance. If you feel it, then it’s not lying.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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#11
no its not wrong or unreasonable but i cant state enough that we all have our own ideas as to what is right and that is ok. for instance your wife might see your effort as pressure ..frustrating i know but when did relationships make sense .. but compromise has to be reached and like Helena says...reg underlying issue ...depression.

as otherwise what you say reg what you do to be helpful and supportive...should really go a long way to helping.
 

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