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Many women disqualify me in dating solely for being virgin

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SeguoIlMioCammino

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I have been in this internal struggle to regain my self-esteem despite having turned 30 and remaining a virgin despite not wanting to. I have gained a lot of self-confidence back, but the problem seems to be that a lot seem to think that the virginity issue nullifies any of that.

Even when I stopped answering questions about virginity, a lot of women have made comments about how I "act like a virgin". I am not sure exactly what they mean, except a vague guess being my awkwardness. But I am shy and awkward since childhood, and most likely would still be as shy and awkward even not being a virgin.
But there is a pervading mindset here that virginity as an adult is an unforgivable sin that can never be remedied. In other words, that I could be for example a world-reknowned scientist who found the cure for AIDS and cancer and I would be rejected still, solely due to the virginity. That is to say, that no amount of self-love or self-confidence would compensate for being a virgin at 30.

It does not help that I have Asperger's, OCD, various types of anxiety and now I have become quite paranoid in general.
It is like I am disqualified from participating in the "game" of dating because non-virgins are not even allowed to enter the game in the first place.

Is this just something unique here, or in general terms do most women from other cities and other countries not treat male virgins as harshly as over here?
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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Ok so I have been reading about your virgin woes for awhile now Lundi. It is always the same problem from you, you are a special virgin guy in his 30s and just oh... the women don't see you as special? what is it? It seems you want special treatment for being a male virgin in your 30s. You want reassurance from the forum for some reason (internet strangers). I would like to say, PROBABLY, you are either hanging around the same 3 people who tell you the same things over and over that somehow being a virgin makes you undatable and are ruminating over what they said OR that you are getting some kind of thrill by being a "special male virgin" or whatever. Are you hanging around only 3 people or what? What's the deal? Do you want a solution? People tell you the same thing! What do YOU want?
 
hicks

hicks

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a lot of women have made comments about how I "act like a virgin"
By "a lot" do you really mean one? I think maybe you've had a comment and taken it a little to heart. Think about it. Virgins don't act a certain way. We're all different, and I'm sure there are some quite old and super confident people out there who never had sex before.

There really is nothing bad about being a virgin anyway, and I would say many people similar to you, being quiet and lacking confidence are in the same position, or have only had one sexual partner in their whole life.

If you want to lose your virginity, then you must put yourself in situations where you meet people. It would also help to try and develop a more positive outlook, and play to your strengths. We all look for different characteristics in a partner, both physically and personality wise. There is no stereotypical "dateable" person.
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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Also if you are considering a relationship as YOU & YOUR VIRGINITY requiring SOME woman (uncooperative so far) then you will not find a RELATIONSHIP. The women can sense that you are viewing them as objects to eliminate your virginity and be repelled. This is because some people only want to have relations with someone that they can love and be with rather than someone who can service them and their virginity. Perhaps that is why your VIRGINITY is such a focus because it's your REASON for attempting a relationship with women rather than actually finding a SPOUSE, GIRLFRIEND, LOVE, WIFE, PARTNER. What do you think?
 
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SeguoIlMioCammino

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By "a lot" do you really mean one?
No, I have received various comments about this since I was around 13. I am now 30 and still get them. I mean probably well over 100.

There really is nothing bad about being a virgin anyway, and I would say many people similar to you, being quiet and lacking confidence are in the same position, or have only had one sexual partner in their whole life.
Objectively, no there is nothing wrong with being a virgin, but the stigma makes it that I get disqualified from dating. And the gossip that spreads my personal details around does not help a lot. If they stopped with the stigma, it would help a lot. But that is impossible.

If you want to lose your virginity, then you must put yourself in situations where you meet people. It would also help to try and develop a more positive outlook, and play to your strengths. We all look for different characteristics in a partner, both physically and personality wise. There is no stereotypical "dateable" person.
I am trying different social gatherings, but it seems like I am not meeting any compatible. I seem to meet a lot that have little in common with me compared to more in common.
 
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SeguoIlMioCammino

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Not sure where you got the idea that I am hanging out with the same three people. I do not even have three people to hang out with. I meet new people each week, but it is the same insults and negative comments that I get, no matter who it is. To accuse me of getting a thrill of feeling depressed is ridiculous. I feel like I am at a meetup, except I am getting berated here instead.

I have two acquaintances, both male, both virgins--one a virgin at 34 and one a virgin at 36. Both are rejected not only by women for dating, but also by men for friendship. I can see how they get sly comments directed at them. One of them has voiced his complaints to me, but I have no real advice since I am in the same situation, just younger.
 
TulipIceCream

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Can you describe verbatim what happens in these meetups?
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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If you had sex in the next ten minutes, nothing about your demeanour and personality would be any different afterwards. You can't 'spot a virgin'.

Your sex life is private - you don't need to tell people you have never had sex any more than I would disclose how many times I've had sex. It's private.

When you meet someone and get into a relationship where you feel secure and cared for, tell that person you're a virgin.

Meantime - do your homework. There's a million resources explaining everything from how to caress a partner to how to locate a G spot or sustain an erection. You can learn how it all works and how to behave before the time comes.

This is your fixation - stop worrying and get on with life xxx
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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I meet new people each week, but it is the same insults and negative comments that I get, no matter who it is.
I have two acquaintances, both male, both virgins--one a virgin at 34 and one a virgin at 36. Both are rejected not only by women for dating, but also by men for friendship. I can see how they get sly comments directed at them. One of them has voiced his complaints to me, but I have no real advice since I am in the same situation, just younger.

There is something that YOU ARE DOING!
:floggingdeadhorse::BLAH::salut:
 
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SeguoIlMioCammino

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To describe a few would take pages even. I can describe two to keep the length at a minimum:

Case I, a month ago:
(in group of six people, ages probably 21-45)
Man 1: So when did you get here?
Man 2: Two weeks ago, still getting used to the city.
Man 3: One thing you notice, dating sucks here.
Woman 1: Yeah, tell me about it.
Woman 2: Because all these guys are tech bro nerds.
Woman 3: When I was back home, I had so many relationships. Now I have a dry spell..more than a few years already.
Man 1: I have not had a f*ck in a long time.
Man 2: Is it that hard?
Man 3: When was the last time that you got laid?
Man 2: Maybe like a month ago?
Woman 1: A month? Jesus Christ, a week is bad enough.
Woman 2: Way too long. A week for me.
Woman 3: Hey, how about you? (hinting at me)
Me: Well, I never really...
Man 1: No. You have, right? No, seriously.
Man 3: Surely you got laid.
Me: No, I just never did.
Woman 1: What?
Woman 2: So are you a...virgin?
Man 2: Sh*t, man.
Woman 3: What the hell is wrong with you?
Woman 1: Oh my god...
......
[rambling continues, I get embarassed and eventually leave, gossip spreads]

Case II, three months ago
(on date with woman whom I had met from a meetup)
Her: I miss the UK.
Me: Me too.
Her: I have not been back since I graduated uni.
Me: Same here.
Her: I especially miss Boots.
Me: I went there a lot.
Her: Me too, I especially went there a lot for their birth control options and contraception.
Me: Ah, wha...?
Her: Me and my boyfriend from Norway, you know, when you just need to get your condoms and birth control and what not.
Me: Oh, I would not know, I never went there for that.
Her: Naw, surely you have.
Me: No, I never used that stuff.
Her: What do you mean?
Me: I never had a need to.
Her: What?
Me: I never used condoms and birth control. Never needed...
Her: You must have at one point...unless you are telling me...
Me: No, I never have.
Her: Are you telling me that you are a virgin?
Me: ...Well I never had...
Her: You never had sex?
Me: ...I guess that you can say that.
Her: Wow. But...why?
Me: Uh...it just never happened.
Her: Oh...well, uh..hmm..
Me: Yeah, uh...
Her: That is...just that...I usually never encountered such a thing. I mean you told me that you are 30?
Me: Yes.
Her: I am also 30. A bit old though for that, kinda...
Me: ...I suppose.
[awkward silence]
 
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SeguoIlMioCammino

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Why don't you just lie about your sexual status?
Since I was a boy, I always had this problem about answering honestly. It is hard for me to be superficial and just make up white lies. People recently now have told me how it is common in people with Asperger's.

I wonder more why I am being asked this in the first place. They ask other people too, but it seems like sex is very much tied with status here.
 
hicks

hicks

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Since I was a boy, I always had this problem about answering honestly. It is hard for me to be superficial and just make up white lies. People recently now have told me how it is common in people with Asperger's.
I can understand that, but it really isn't a complex lie, just a throwaway comment really. And concealing the truth would save you a world of embarrassment and pain. Like in the conversation you mentioned, all you needed to say was "about a month ago", and people wouldn't have a clue of the truth. You may be quiet and reserved, but there's no such thing as 'looking like a virgin'.

I wonder more why I am being asked this in the first place. They ask other people too, but it seems like sex is very much tied with status here.
It's something to talk about. And relationships, social or otherwise are important to people.
 
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SeguoIlMioCammino

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I can understand that, but it really isn't a complex lie, just a throwaway comment really. And concealing the truth would save you a world of embarrassment and pain. Like in the conversation you mentioned, all you needed to say was "about a month ago", and people wouldn't have a clue of the truth. You may be quiet and reserved, but there's no such thing as 'looking like a virgin'.
I really hate being in situations where I have to lie just to be considered normal. Recently, I adopted my mother's approach of refusing to answer such personal questions and telling people to f*ck off. I told someone last Saturday, "I am not answering any more of your god-damn questions" because some guy kept asking all sorts of personal stuff like that, as is usual.

It's something to talk about. And relationships, social or otherwise are important to people.
I find it very bizarre. Since I am not "normal", I do not really get this. Is this a neurotypical thing to ask about each other's sex lives and relationships?

On the contrary, I have not once in my life asked someone about their sex life, if they are a virgin, how many partners they have had, etc. It just never occurred to me to want to ask this. It seems so personal. Why ask this to someone, especially in a group of a lot of people talking together?
 
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sallimae76

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I am a 43 year old female virgin and I would date you. In fact, it is my dream to date and marry a virgin man, to only have one sex partner in life.
 
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