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juneau46

Member
Joined
Dec 2, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Iowa
I’m losing my mind. Or rather, I’ve already lost it. I don’t think there is a cure to this kind of madness. To be self aware and mentally ill at the same time is frustrating? What a sick joke. Just like the toxic relationship in my brain between anxiety & depression. I have a tendency to run from places in search of contentment. But please someone tell me: Where do you run to when you’re trying to run from yourself? I try to fight it. Ignore it. Ride it out. Without Xanax this time, right? Wrong. Among the many triggers of the day, the one that set me off was simple. I’m 35$ short on mortgage. Petty right? So petty that the minute my ex boyfriend (who I live with & broke up with me months ago & is currently sleeping but has his arm draped around me and frequently tells me he loves me) left for a few minutes, I briefly choked on my tears, hyperventilated, threw up, and stumbled over to my purse and with shaky hands, found the appropriate pill bottle and swallowed a Xanax with a side of pride. All in a span of 8 minutes. As I mentioned before, I’m self aware. I shut off every single light in the house, put on an oversized T-shirt & fuzzy socks, lit a candle, laid on the couch with my baby blanket only to observe my fish tank for an hour. That was hours ago. It’s now 1 AM and I’m contemplating running again. Packing my things while he’s gone so he comes home from work to a vacant home. Void of anything to remember me by. I want to. But moving takes time. Something I can’t seem to manage these days. Matter of fact, I don’t think I can manage much of anything.
 
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Irisheyes

Member
Joined
Nov 29, 2019
Messages
10
Location
Virginia
I am sending you good vibes and I’m sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you’re the victim of mixed messages from your boyfriend so it might be time to have a serious talk to see what you both want and if it can work. Running is not a good option and will repeat itself if you don’t break that cycle. I say this care and empathy because I have be involved (in love) with a woman who has done the running thing all her life. I married her and had 2 sons together. The relationship lasted 10 years and it’s extremely painful for me everyday. She ran from me because she reached her breaking point on 2 things I would not address and would not got to counseling with her because I thought the rough times would pass. Point is, everyone has their breaking point but that does not mean someone needs to run. Try your best to talk to him, even if you have before, and if you guys want to make it work, go to counseling as soon as poss. So many relationships are thrown away to easily these days just over people not communicating, not being honest, and not giving it their all.

those are just a couple thoughts that come to mind because if I had the chance to be in the bed with my ex I would have made better choices. Now I live with regret and Shane for letting everyone down.
 
J

juneau46

Member
Joined
Dec 2, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Iowa
I am sending you good vibes and I’m sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you’re the victim of mixed messages from your boyfriend so it might be time to have a serious talk to see what you both want and if it can work. Running is not a good option and will repeat itself if you don’t break that cycle. I say this care and empathy because I have be involved (in love) with a woman who has done the running thing all her life. I married her and had 2 sons together. The relationship lasted 10 years and it’s extremely painful for me everyday. She ran from me because she reached her breaking point on 2 things I would not address and would not got to counseling with her because I thought the rough times would pass. Point is, everyone has their breaking point but that does not mean someone needs to run. Try your best to talk to him, even if you have before, and if you guys want to make it work, go to counseling as soon as poss. So many relationships are thrown away to easily these days just over people not communicating, not being honest, and not giving it their all.

those are just a couple thoughts that come to mind because if I had the chance to be in the bed with my ex I would have made better choices. Now I live with regret and Shane for letting everyone down.
Unfortunately we had a discussion via text yesterday and it seems I will be running. At least I scheduled a date this time. I asked if that’s what he wanted and he said “not necessarily but I dont want to be together either.” In turn this has affected my study habits and I have an exam at 5 and my anxiety and head are not in the right place.
 
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Irisheyes

Member
Joined
Nov 29, 2019
Messages
10
Location
Virginia
I commend you for texting and it sounds like he’s struggle with what he wants at the moment so my advice it to back off. Focus on the important exams your taking and give him the space to think about what he wants. I went through school during a extremely stressful time in my divorce and it was a miracle that I was able to complete the program so distractions away from school is not welcome.

you don’t have to fun. Just give yourself some space to deal with the exams. I know how powerful affairs of the heart can be and how consuming they can be. Try your best to back off for a bit. Stay with friends or family if you need to in order to protect what your working for, and that is you!

good vibes
 
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