Making friends

[cat_lady1989]

Hi everyone,
For a most of my life I have struggled making friends, but I’ve always wished I could make friends easier and part of me has been envious of girls with groups of friends to go out with, go away with, etc. I have a few close friends now who I have known for 10+ years, but all the friends I’ve ever had have been the same, very outgoing and have picked me and perused a friendship with me, I have never become friends with someone off my own back, someone I’ve felt a ‘connection’ with and have chosen.
I’m fine at being friendly to someone new, it’s the part that goes from acquaintances to friends that I never seem to get past and I don’t know how.
I’ve also realised today (which is what has brought me here) is that when I do start to notice a bond/friendship forming I back off and get uncomfortable. I think part of me doesn’t want to get stuck in a friendship with someone I don’t really know, what if they turn out to be extremely toxic and I can’t get out of the friendship? I have been in toxic friendships before and find it hard to act on the realisation, I’ve also been the same in romantic relationships. I just don’t know how to break that wall down almost. It’s frustrating because I want to have more friends but I also don’t want people to be too close to me! Any help or advice would be much appreciated. Sorry it’s so long, I really appreciate it anyone taking the time to read this.

 

[UpnDwn1978]

Hi cat_lady welcome to the forum

 

[jajingna]

Welcome to the forum. Your post is not that long. You want more friends, but not too close. I think I can relate to that. It takes time to go beyond the acquaintance level, and we may not ever do so with most people. Having a few good friends is enough for many of us. Some of us would like to have even just one real friend. So you're not doing too bad when you say you have a few close friends.

What do you guess is holding you back? It's OK to be cautious. Your past experience is telling you it's not entirely safe. Maybe that's what you need. What we all need, is to feel safe. People without much social anxiety feel safer with others, safer to be themselves more openly. This helps create trust and can more easily lead to friendship.

So I wonder what is causing us to feel unsafe. (I've had social anxiety for decades.) What's so scary about people? What is the danger? Our emotions seem to put us in survival mode as though our life was at risk. We know it isn't rational, but emotions play by their own rules.

Lately I've been doing some EFT (emotional freedom techniques) tapping, which I only recently heard of from another member on this site. After nearly two months of doing this daily I feel like I've had some benefit, with still a lot more to work on. Old traumas and fears, and more. Just an idea of something you might find helpful.

 

[Moonlight_Day]

I have found it had to be friends with people who need you there 24/7 without letting me have "me time". They get insulted or offended if you don't be there right away to answer a call, text or whatever. Not sure if this is what you are referring to cat_lady1989 but I think a good friend is there when you really need them but also gives you space to be yourself. They understand who you are and don't try to mold you into something you are not. That is a true friend but unfortunately it is also hard to find.

 

[Moonlight_Day]

*found it hard to be with friends who need you 24/7 I ment to say..not had. And welcome to the forum

 

[oncebitten]

Welcome! I will say from experience because I make friends very easily so at points in my life I have had big groups. BUT I have the best friendship and time with the few I keep close. It is not the quantity it 100% is quality and I can say that from my own experience.