making friends is hard...

[Charliedragonfly]

hi

i'm doiing better nowadays than i was previosuly, especially since i've worked out my gender and stuff (i'm non-binary which explains a lot)

anyways becauswe social anxiety is the bane of my life, of course it's stopping me from making friends easily.
i am trying super hard to message people using instagram so i can form friendships because i have no friends except an ex who traumatised me

but i am so worried that i am saying stuff wrong because they take ages to reply even though they said, unprompted because i'm not the clingy type, that they enjoyed talking to me...

i think maybe im just worrying too much?

i'm also worried that when they meet me in person they'll think that i'm weird because of the way my mouth moves. i've noticed in recordings on my phone that my head is very tense and my facial expressions and mouth don't "work" properly compared to other people. i think i'm autistic which would explain many things including this.

but it makes me very nervous.

i just want a friend.

 

[Zoe1]

hi Charlie

yes it is hard making friends. But its a great adventure
and a journey in life
some people will reject you
but you will have wonderful times
realising that someone likes you for you
just as you are, quirks and all !

 

[OmniscientNihilist]

fear impairs the intelligence, which then impairs the behavior, which then leads to shame, which then leads to fear of shame, which increases fear.

circle going around and around getting bigger and bigger

what started it?

self doubt and negative self judgment. which is when the self is not in alignment with itself. part of you is hurting you instead of helping you which leads to lack of trust in yourself and fear of yourself, inside you.

then it starts the circle going around and getting bigger

end result is person is going to see psychiatrist

 

[Intareseid]

Sorry to say your chances of making actual friendships on... Instagram of all things are not very high. The Internet is really not the place to make connections unless you're looking for very, very surface level things.

I'd say wait for the pandemic to be more under control in your area and once things start opening up see what sort of group activities there may be for you to join, maybe like classes or some sort of volunteer work. I think that's probably the best and healthiest way to make connections.

 

[Avolitionist]

Imagine the type of person you would like to be friends with them do things they would do. You’ll eventually meet people you would like to be friends with.

 

[Valka]

Pretty much all my friends I've made have been online.
My advice with making friends, especially on the internet is to cast a wide net. Don't rely on one or two people or websites.
Try multiple different ones, and if you have ten people contact you. Figure maybe one will hang around long enough to form some sort of connection. And if not, you just keep trying.

Hope you find some good friends!

 

[JoleneInCalifornia]

i think now, during covid, it's hard to make friends, unless youve established some friendships online.

 

[jonners]

I’ve had issues with friends most of my adult life. At school I was just another average person, kinda shy but had a good group of friends and I played football so was left alone by the bullies so school life wasn’t bad. After school/college it became worse. I realised I had a form of social anxiety when I started working at 16. I made a few new friends at my first job (still in contact with some over 20 years later) but interacting with management figures and customers was hard. Also girls. It’s weird because 2 of my better friends are girls and there’s no problems there but other girls I always found it uncomfortable to talk to them. I think in my late teens I realised I was bisexual so it then became hard to talk to both sexes! I’ve had a few jobs since and my latest one means I spend half the time on my own which is great for me. I’ve tried the online route for about 15 years or so. I’ve met one great friend and I’d say about 5 who I still interact with on a lesser scale. I’ve joined many groups and forums over the years but I always try to present myself as a better version of me. I don’t really know why? When I do get to know someone, I either shy away or if they don’t reply often I question what I did? I guess I over analyse things.
I don’t know what advice to give that would benefit but I’d say maybe just present yourself as “you” and then hopefully likeminded people will find you? I’m still struggling with my lack of friends but in a strange way I prefer minimal contact with people lol! The mind is a hard thing to figure out

 

[DanL15000]

At sixty, I'm about done trying to make friends. The few I have I don't even consider friends, but relatives and acquaintances. That mindset kind of helps me with the inevitable day when my paranoia leads me to break away from them.

I must say though that this last group of about five people seem rather determined to understand me so well that they won't let me slink off to my well defended stronghold for all times.

They give me plenty of space, but like an alarm clock set for, "That's long enough!", they safely during the pandemic find ways for gatherings of four of us...or like the other day I opened my front door to find a package of cookies had been delivered!

There is no real reason for it, for their care, except just possibly some people in this world really do accept me as I am?

Nahhhhhhhhhhhh...... it's this damn bubbly personality of mine. I gotta get the grouch on or I'll never be entirely alone.

 

[hicks]

At sixty, I'm about done trying to make friends. The few I have I don't even consider friends, but relatives and acquaintances. That mindset kind of helps me with the inevitable day when my paranoia leads me to break away from them.

Interesting. Do you find that as people get older, they are less receptive to making new friends?
That has actually been my observation, maybe people already have an established circle of friends, and don't want to make the effort of making new ones.
Maybe I just come across as an unsociable git

 

[DanL15000]

Interesting. Do you find that as people get older, they are less receptive to making new friends?
That has actually been my observation, maybe people already have an established circle of friends, and don't want to make the effort of making new ones.
Maybe I just come across as an unsociable git

Well, from one unsociable git to another, I consider you a friend on here.

I can only answer that question from my perspective, which is granted from one always just the lack of money away from traveling to a South Pacific Island and being done with everything. Living out my life tickling the natives.

I am far less receptive to making new friends as memories of losses fill my head enough. I sometimes barely hang on, while repeating to myself, "Don't think about it, don't think about it."

 

[hicks]

Well, from one unsociable git to another, I consider you a friend on here.

Thanks, I appreciate that. What part of the USA are you located? Not that I'm a stalker or anything, just interested. PM me if you like.
I can tell you that I am the most sincere bloke you could meet. I'm not two faced, if I don't get on with a person, I won't talk to them. I won't pretend to be friendly and then bad mouth them behind their backs. Unless they are a complete dick and have pissed me off
This of course makes absolutely f***** useless at any kind of office politics, and hence why I'm still a lowly grunt.
But that doesn't bother me at all.

I can only answer that question from my perspective, which is granted from one always just the lack of money away from traveling to a South Pacific Island and being done with everything. Living out my life tickling the natives.

My version of that is buying a motor home and heading off to a remote part of the Scottish highlands.

Have you noticed how there are different levels of friendship? What do you think constitutes real friendship?

 

[DanL15000]

I live in Southern Illinois hicks. It's important to make the distinction, Southern...Illinois. This isn't Chicago.

I'm surrounded by corn fields and Trumpsters. I love the cornfields and being able to be in the countryside in about two minutes.

On friendships, geeze hicks the last time I made a friend on my own was like 1982! I'm not counting my second ex-wife as we never really even liked each other it was just the fun sex.

I think we figured that was good enough, but then she hurt her back....

Now I'm making things up.

For me there have been three levels of friendship. Beginning, middle, and end. You see, I have trouble reading faces and understanding the tone in voices. Eventually I get paranoid because I've no clue about the "strangers" that I've known for a bit.

As to in the real world, I would be making a poor attempt at even an opinion. More like a guess.

I've got a brother who I play fantasy sports with online. He's been rock solid support for me, but right now I'm avoiding him as he is going through one of his, "I get mad!" phases and I'd rather keep the relationship than tick him off and then have another sibling I never speak with.

I've got two nephews in this town that brought me here specifically to be caregivers. They are really smart about it. I can't seem to chase them away! And they forced, I presume, three of their friends to befriend me. Many more actually but I've taken care of the rest in my usual manner. These last three...just keep being nice!!!!!

Now let me ask you, how old are you? What is your diagnosis? If you don't mind answering and of course a message works for me as well.

 

[hicks]

You're a funny and clever guy Dan, I like your sense of humour.
I'll reply to you here as it may be interesting for other people to read. I find myself nodding in agreement at the things you've said. I am also clueless at reading people. That's face to face comms, so on forums I'm even more hopeless.

I'm 54. I came to this forum seeking help for my daughter, who has ASD, OCD, anxiety and it all came to a head last year, with a total meltdown. She's high functioning autistic, and I can't say I'm surprised, considering she has my genes. I'm also on the autistic spectrum (isn't that a weird phrase, because technically, everyone is on the spectrum). I have no diagnosis, but have always had problems with social anxiety and self-confidence. Back when I was at school, people tended to regard me as painfully shy, and needing to be "brought out of my shell". Crikey I hate that phrase, it's like they were trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. This is how I am so please don't try to mould me into something I'm not.

Because of my quietness, I never made loads of friends, and don't have any connection with my past in terms of old school friends. Sometimes that bothers me. Over time I've got better with talking to people, and now I can initiate and carry a conversation with some confidence. I often find it ironic that one of the aims of school is to develop 'social skills'. And yet there is no support for kids that have problems. I mean how on earth are you supposed to develop social skills if you never interact with others due to a crushing lack of confidence? I literally would stand in the corner of the playground on my own. Don't you think someone should have picked up on that and given me some help? Could they maybe have lessons in the art of talking to people? So I have a very dim view of schools, and I can say that nothing much has changed in the passing years. Hence we took the decision to get our kids out of school and home ed them. That was a really good move.

So yeah, to get right back on topic, making friends for me is extremely hard. I look at other people with their group of buddies and think, how did they do that? I'm lucky that I found an ideal person to marry. We're very similar personalities, understand and support each other.

Side note about improving your social life: Get a dog. Seriously, nobody ever mentions this as a benefit of dog ownership, but it's like a social club. Owners talk to each other. Before getting our dog 4 years ago, I knew practically nobody in the neighbourhood. Now we regularly chat to people in the street. Good practice for my conversational skills.

Sorry, rambled on there a bit.

 

[DanL15000]

You're a funny and clever guy Dan, I like your sense of humour.
I'll reply to you here as it may be interesting for other people to read. I find myself nodding in agreement at the things you've said. I am also clueless at reading people. That's face to face comms, so on forums I'm even more hopeless.

I'm 54. I came to this forum seeking help for my daughter, who has ASD, OCD, anxiety and it all came to a head last year, with a total meltdown. She's high functioning autistic, and I can't say I'm surprised, considering she has my genes. I'm also on the autistic spectrum (isn't that a weird phrase, because technically, everyone is on the spectrum). I have no diagnosis, but have always had problems with social anxiety and self-confidence. Back when I was at school, people tended to regard me as painfully shy, and needing to be "brought out of my shell". Crikey I hate that phrase, it's like they were trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. This is how I am so please don't try to mould me into something I'm not.

Because of my quietness, I never made loads of friends, and don't have any connection with my past in terms of old school friends. Sometimes that bothers me. Over time I've got better with talking to people, and now I can initiate and carry a conversation with some confidence. I often find it ironic that one of the aims of school is to develop 'social skills'. And yet there is no support for kids that have problems. I mean how on earth are you supposed to develop social skills if you never interact with others due to a crushing lack of confidence? I literally would stand in the corner of the playground on my own. Don't you think someone should have picked up on that and given me some help? Could they maybe have lessons in the art of talking to people? So I have a very dim view of schools, and I can say that nothing much has changed in the passing years. Hence we took the decision to get our kids out of school and home ed them. That was a really good move.

So yeah, to get right back on topic, making friends for me is extremely hard. I look at other people with their group of buddies and think, how did they do that? I'm lucky that I found an ideal person to marry. We're very similar personalities, understand and support each other.

Side note about improving your social life: Get a dog. Seriously, nobody ever mentions this as a benefit of dog ownership, but it's like a social club. Owners talk to each other. Before getting our dog 4 years ago, I knew practically nobody in the neighbourhood. Now we regularly chat to people in the street. Good practice for my conversational skills.

Sorry, rambled on there a bit.

Fifty-four. I was living alone in a town I'd moved to where no one knew me. The neighbor started coming over about once a week to make sure I wasn't dead.

I was spending my retirement that I'd taken out early, waiting for the disability determination.

Trying to make a little money buying for resale on Ebay. That worked but not enough to pay the bills.

I finally promised to tell my neighbor if I died, so would he stop checking on me?

It wasn't entirely different to what I have now, except that I can live frugally enough to know I'm not going anywhere. I convinced my nephew that I could mow my own yard. First time I did a neighbor lady walked over and said, "I TOLD my boyfriend that there was someone living in that house!"

I'd been here for two years.