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Making friends as you get older

LexiDoll

LexiDoll

Active member
Joined
Mar 8, 2015
Messages
27
Hey guys,

So, I've been socially anxious for a long time now. I've never really had any friends because I don't trust a lot of people. You see, I've been betrayed a lot, even by my own family so it's hard to believe that the outside world isn't going to hurt me as they have.

The thing is, I want to make friends, but I'm scared of doing so. I just want to meet nice people I can meet up with and do whatever it is people do with their friends. It's harder as you get older to make friends, I'm in my early twenties, not at university or anything, I'm searching for a new job at the minute and I don't get on with people at work because the people in my department are 16 year olds who go out an drink anymore, and since I don't drink or party for personal reasons, that's not ideal for me.

I've thought about joining a group maybe, but I have no idea how to just go up to someone and talk to them without looking weird. I've never done that, I always just hope that someone will come up to me.

I worry I'll look stupid to anyone who would consider befriending me. I just can't deal with being isolated anymore, I know it's all my fault because I'm so distant from the world but I really want to be social. Does anyone have any ideas of the best and easiest way to do this?
 
J

jimindigo

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2012
Messages
198
Hi Lexi,
Here is ideal for you:try meetups.com,they have groups all over world,
in every town+city with all sorts of interests. Sign up,and see what's in your area!
Courage,
jimindigo
 
M

misanthropish

New member
Joined
Mar 12, 2015
Messages
2
Take tiny baby steps

Hey guys,

So, I've been socially anxious for a long time now. I've never really had any friends because I don't trust a lot of people. You see, I've been betrayed a lot, even by my own family so it's hard to believe that the outside world isn't going to hurt me as they have.

The thing is, I want to make friends, but I'm scared of doing so. I just want to meet nice people I can meet up with and do whatever it is people do with their friends. It's harder as you get older to make friends, I'm in my early twenties, not at university or anything, I'm searching for a new job at the minute and I don't get on with people at work because the people in my department are 16 year olds who go out an drink anymore, and since I don't drink or party for personal reasons, that's not ideal for me.

I've thought about joining a group maybe, but I have no idea how to just go up to someone and talk to them without looking weird. I've never done that, I always just hope that someone will come up to me.

I worry I'll look stupid to anyone who would consider befriending me. I just can't deal with being isolated anymore, I know it's all my fault because I'm so distant from the world but I really want to be social. Does anyone have any ideas of the best and easiest way to do this?
Hi, I feel your pain on this one. I also suffer with social anxiety which keeps me distant from people in my life while craving human intimacy forming some annoying antithesis that seems to rule my life.

I've more or less reached my saturation point with feeling on the outside of social groups. As such I am contemplating going along to a social group which a colleague has invited me to (my social anxiety fuels my suspicion that this is just politeness rather than a genuine offer but hey they didn't have to invite me right?!). My point is you have to make small steps towards your goals...if joining a group seems too much for now try developing the relationships you already have or try being nice or sharing small talk with a friendly stranger.

Unfortunately for people like us who have social anxiety the best way to develop confidence is to consistently try to connect with people and learn from our mistakes....think of it as a numbers game like sales....in sales you have to ring 100 people before one will speak to you and another 10 speakers before you get a sale but that sale (or friend if you contextualise the metaphor) will be worth all of the weird looks and awkward heh heh hehs that people do while looking uncomfortable.

In the meantime try to focus on what brings you joy/relief from your symptoms and try to build relationships online first if that is easier than speaking to people face to face but remember that people often act emotionally and their emotional state is likely not to have anything to do with you....

I always had friends from infancy to uni but since uni when everyone went their separate ways I've really struggled to make friends (I'm 27 now). I've just started a new job and the anxiety is quite high but there are a couple of people who I think I get on with and others which I know I don't....the ones I know I don't, get on with the ones I think I do which kinda fuels the anxiety but I'm just guna keep trying to plug away at it...friends is something I want so I'm not prepared to give up on it.

Hope this helps a bit :)
 
P

Plumage

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 13, 2015
Messages
82
Location
Angleterre
Look out for community groups in your area. You are not alone and there are endless un talked about charities with real people trying to overcome social isolation for vulnerable people like yourself.

Try The Richmond Fellowship. Ask them to direct you to community connections. You can build better relationships with help, enthusiasm and knowing you are not alone.
I, like you find friends impossible. So I set myself to take a plunge into groups because it's effective.
Good luck!
 
nonotme

nonotme

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2015
Messages
1,522
I've not formed a friendship now in over 20 years and have lost most of the ones I had. I know people but I'm not sure I'd call any of them friends.
 
M

misanthropish

New member
Joined
Mar 12, 2015
Messages
2
I've not formed a friendship now in over 20 years and have lost most of the ones I had. I know people but I'm not sure I'd call any of them friends.
The problem I find with making friends is that I try to be friends with everyone I meet and some are satisfied with their current social life and friends and so are not looking to let anyone else in or I try to make friends with someone and ignore the things I don't like....like them not asking about my weekend after I've asked them and not showing any interest in me or my opinions and they just become ppl that demand my attention and give me very little in return...i e. The opposite of what a friends actually is!

So perhaps (I say perhaps because I haven't done this yet!) the trick is to find someone who a) you click with and b) has a desire and room to increase their friends....so perhaps we should try to put ourselves into situations where this is likely...or more likely...otherwise the trick may be to spot an opportunity when it arises and be okay with being dissatisfied with the behaviour of others if all they do is take and they never give...who knows I'm just spitballing...
 
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