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MAJOR RANT!!

A

Amethystgrey9999

Active member
Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
27
Location
New york
Hi! So I'm kinda new here. I read a lot of posts about bpd and hpd and I think i might have one of them and I'm scared of both(but one more than the other). I always knew i was not a good person no matter how many times my friends will tell me that I'm not. I feel like I've faked all of the times I've shown concern towards them just to make myself feel better. I've always struggles with temper issues even when I was younger, I'm 18 now. I haven't done extreme things for attention, but I have done a lot to say the least. Like, I think i lied about having anxiety and depression, I say I think BC at that time I believed it but now looking back at it I may not have. To start off in 5th and 6th grade I got into trouble BC I wouldn't do my assignments and complete my notes (I got good grades tho, so I never saw what the problem was) my parents were so mad and they constantly treated me like liar BC I managed to hide it from them for a long time, and at one point I remember just holding a bottle of pills or smthng and crying so hard BC I just wanted to do it. But looking back now I don't think I was actually going to do it. My parents are fine a bit physically abusive, my mom never spanked me but she pulls my hair a lot and kicks (not to the point of bruising), but thing is that I was aggressive too and I'd fight back.

Okay anyways I'm ranting, point is in 7th grade I had a crush on my teacher, BC she humiliated me and I liked it. I actually thought she genuinely cared and the whole class knew and they told her, and she sort off put it off like I was her "daughter" and that used to send me off, this was around the time that I would cry non stop during weekends BC I missed her, I was basically obsessed and the people around me had heard A LOT OF IT. it went on until 8th grade, I realized that she was a horrible teacher. I also made claims that I had anxiety and depression, which I feel terrible about now. Around this time I met my best friend and I loved her sm, but she had a lot going at home and she was actually depressed. When I'm alone people don't see it but I get angry alot and I'd hit myself a lot, not to the point where I'd bleed or get bruises, but sorta out of frustration. Point is I'd feel a pang of jealousy whenever my best friend would meet someone else, I would get so mad but I knew that these thoughts were irrational so I'd keep it inside.

I think around this I felt empty when I was alone but I hardly remember and it's frustrating me a lot, BC I feel like I'm lying for sympathy. All I remember was that I'd do nothing and my parents would get so mad, I'd be on my phone all day until my parents got back home, I wouldn't shower, I would binge on snacks and skip meals and I'd eat on the bed and that really triggered my parents. It happened all the way till 10th grade and my dad got home and he started drinking and he got so angry BC everything was a mess and he hit me that night with a belt. And he was so angry he kept hitting the pillow alot and it scared me, so the next day I broke down, I never meant to go to the supervisors office. But my teacher saw me and I felt sorta ashamed BC I knew if I told them that my bed was a mess they wouldn't believe me so I said part of the story. And I vented and I put my parents in such a bad light and I remember my story was very inconsistent. I told them not to tell my mom BC she'd tell my dad. But they called anyways, they kept telling me that they couldn't protect me at home and stuff and if I was being molested (I said no). My dad ignored for a month and I still feel guilty about it now, I wish I never said that. I cried that day for 2 hours but when I went back to class and talked to my friend I was fine and my teachers saw that. I know that one of the signs for hpd was mood swing shift and exaggerating experiences and I'm starting to get scared, I barely remember if this happened but I think they told me not to do anything stupid, so I must've told them I was going to kill myself or smthng but I don't remember. I have a very unstable relationship with my parents, both of them have had problems. I think my mom has hpd and I must've gotten it from her, she's loud in public and sometimes she screams randomly, sometimes I feel like she's exaggerating some of the symptoms that feels, and I see myself in her and I'm so scared. I promised myself I wouldnt be like my parents.

So I shifted places about two years ago and I went to my moms hometown to complete my education and I pretended that I didn't know how to speak the language and I told them that I understood the language even though I could speak and understand. I hated my accent, and I though people would like me more, I'm trying to get over that.

I'm not so keen on trying to look the prettiest, however I know that there's a part of me that wants to be the skinniest person in the room, and I don't have any eating disorders. I sometimes watch my calories, I sometimes binge, but nothing to serious. I am underweight, but I hate when people telling me that I'm gaining weight, I like compliments about how skinny I am, and it feeds my ego. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I am easily persuadable, I have trouble keeping relationship with people, sometimes I'll stray away BC I'm bored, or I'll go from liking you to hating and back and forth. But I feel like I'm exaggerating. I'm not the life of the party, but when I'm with a group that I'm very close with I tend to be the loudest and do weirdest things, but when I'm alone I hate unwanted attention. Ive told a teacher about my mom and our fights and now I feel like I've cried wolf way too many times. I've vented to alot of people about my parents, and I've felt I put them in such a bad light just to get sympathy. I feel like i keep bringing up the past so much just to get sympathy. Even if I just met a person I'll vent to them and then I'd feel embarrassed about it and then I'll push them away. I know I'm scared of people leaving, but now I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure if I've made up this entire thing in my head, so I can seem like the victim when I'm not. I sometimes have fantasies where I'm on a realty TV show and I'm talking about things I've done and stuff, or I'm the main character in a show or smthng. Worst part is Im having suspicions that might have adhd and autism, but I think I'm just lazy, I honestly don't want to do same thing when I was young where I claimed I had depression when I probably did not. I just wanna know if anyone knows what I'm feeling. I used to stare at myself in the mirror for hours making different poses. I really really want to be considerate and listen more than talk, I want to go back and just change everything. I HATE EVERYTHING THAT I'VE DONE.
Just AHHHHHHH!!!!!! I don't know, I feel bad for the people who I've projected on. I've hurt people In the past BC I couldn't control my temper. I want to blame my parents so bad, but I'm 18 now I can't do that anymore. I think I'm sad loser who craves attention all the time. I know that alot of people went through so much, but they're kind and genuine. I've done so much more in the past and lied a lot, and stolen food from the pantry because I had a bit of a binge problem. I stole cookies from my grandmother's store when I first came here and the entire Quarantine my grandmom was so suspicious of mom and they had so many full blown fights and I know it's my fault, and she sometimes projects it on to me, but I can't blame her. And I'm so sad BC I can't blame my mom, BC her mom was terrible to her too. Anyways I'm just ranting, UGHHHH!! I'd really like to know your stories and I'm sorry if you made it this far, BC this post is literally pointless lmao.
 
LittleMissNameless

LittleMissNameless

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
611
Location
canada
Well thats alot of feelings, one overwhelming one I'm noticing is a strong sense of shame.
I can't diagnose you on the forum (noone can) and I am not a mental health professional but shame is a really big component of BPD and I do have that, one of the techniques my therapist and I use when I obsess about how bad I am is that we think about how to make peace with it:

Should I apologize?
Should I volunteer (to even out my karma)
Etc.

We also think about how important it really is:

Will it matter in 5 weeks, months, years?

I encourage you to talk to your GP or to find mental health services to help you. You aren't making it up if this is something that is really distressing you and a professional can help.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Taking a break
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
5,928
Location
England
Shame is a painful emotion.

What i try to remember is that the people who made you feel embarrassed, were they perfect? I doubt it. You aren't perfect either, none of us are. Every single person does things wrong just some don't feel shame.

I think that might be because they accept they are not perfect. Do you think that is why? Accepting that you are you, valuable, lovely, imperfect, trying hard to cope and do the best in everything.

Please rest, avoid stress, try to think of the good things about you. What nice things have people said to you? Keep them in your memory.
 
A

Amethystgrey9999

Active member
Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
27
Location
New york
Well thats alot of feelings, one overwhelming one I'm noticing is a strong sense of shame.
I can't diagnose you on the forum (noone can) and I am not a mental health professional but shame is a really big component of BPD and I do have that, one of the techniques my therapist and I use when I obsess about how bad I am is that we think about how to make peace with it:

Should I apologize?
Should I volunteer (to even out my karma)
Etc.

We also think about how important it really is:

Will it matter in 5 weeks, months, years?

I encourage you to talk to your GP or to find mental health services to help you. You aren't making it up if this is something that is really distressing you and a professional can help.
Thank you, I'll keep that in mind.
 
T

toto

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2020
Messages
930
Location
München
I also thought I was exaggerating. My room was also cluttered. For me4 - 6 hours every day for cleaning and cooking for my waste of time. It is a very good habit to learn to put objects back in their place, as well as to have everything have a place at home. You need a therapist to clarify what is normal. Or maybe what you think is normal. Exaggerate or not, this is your point of view.
 

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