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Major intrusive thoughts today...

L

LostGirl1987

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I keep having intrusive thoughts about my best friend seeing my ex behind my back. For context, I’ve known this friend since birth and I’d like to think she wouldn’t do that to me. My ex isn’t a full-on ex but we do have a history and it’s very well established among my friend group. We didn’t talk for a few months however I was kind of backed into a corner because he’s an integral part of my friend group too and nobody really dislikes him but me. So I’ve kind of had to start being “okay” with him again otherwise I can kiss my friends goodbye. Things were ogling mostly okay; we did end up kissing one night but not since then. However I keep having these intrusive thoughts about him and my friend even though it’s essentially based on nothing.

Today for example he and I bantered back and forth about his computer needing an upgrade (just dumb stuff really) over social media. He then said he’d upgrade me to my best friend. Now he says this is a joke but I definitely don’t get the punchline, like, I thought a joke was supposed to be funny? My mind starting racing after that thinking well what if he prefers my friend over me and is secretly seeing her behind my back? She’s said on several occasions that he’s not her type and that I can always trust her, however the intrusive thoughts and the constant “what ifs” are making that near impossible.

My friend told me that she thinks I should stay away from him because she doesn’t want me to get hurt again, which makes sense however my mind tells me that the reason why she said this is because she wants me out of the way. The whole thing is such a complicated mess because I was doing fine without him in my life and now I feel like I’ve had to accept him back into my life because all my friends still want him around, and if I don’t have them, I don’t have anybody. I feel like he’s constantly playing mine games with me and every time he says something my brain just automatically assumes it’s a lie. I have kind of mentioned all this to my friend but carefully as the last thing I want is her thinking I don’t trust her, and she reassured me but part of me still isn’t buying it.

Does anyone have any advice? I’m currently on 20mg Paroxetine and I see a counsellor weekly. I really don’t want to sabotage my friendships based on these stupid intrusive thoughts but I feel like that’s going to happen if they persist, because they just seem to be getting worse.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Saying your friend would be an upgrade is definitely not funny and i would try very hard to keep that sentence in mind. Be civil, hello and goodbye, but he has shown his true character and feelings there. I would not trust him. I have been a mug much of my life and i don't want you to be one too.

As for him going with your friend, I personally wouldn't think this respectful but others don't mind that sort of thing. If she does, she could be added to your 'civil' but not trustworthy friend list.
 
L

LostGirl1987

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Saying your friend would be an upgrade is definitely not funny and i would try very hard to keep that sentence in mind. Be civil, hello and goodbye, but he has shown his true character and feelings there. I would not trust him. I have been a mug much of my life and i don't want you to be one too.

As for him going with your friend, I personally wouldn't think this respectful but others don't mind that sort of thing. If she does, she could be added to your 'civil' but not trustworthy friend list.
Thank you, he seemed to think it was funny but I definitely didn’t think so. I did end up speaking to my friend about it and she said she wouldn’t look twice at him anyway, so she’s reassured me a bit there. Honestly it would feel like a major betrayal from her if they did get together and it’s happened to me before so I don’t know if I could handle that emotionally. She’s always been pretty loyal to me so it probably is just my anxiety, but as for him, he’s definitely shown his true colours.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Thank you, he seemed to think it was funny but I definitely didn’t think so. I did end up speaking to my friend about it and she said she wouldn’t look twice at him anyway, so she’s reassured me a bit there. Honestly it would feel like a major betrayal from her if they did get together and it’s happened to me before so I don’t know if I could handle that emotionally. She’s always been pretty loyal to me so it probably is just my anxiety, but as for him, he’s definitely shown his true colours.
Good men don't even think that never mind say it out loud. He clearly doesn't care about your feelings, good men would never hurt a woman, even if it was just a friend.

These slip ups, like he did, it gives us an insight into what someone is truly thinking i think.

Your friend, she may be saying that to make you feel better or it may be true, but at least she did not want to hurt your feelings which is a good sign she is a good person.
 
L

LostGirl1987

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Good men don't even think that never mind say it out loud. He clearly doesn't care about your feelings, good men would never hurt a woman, even if it was just a friend.

These slip ups, like he did, it gives us an insight into what someone is truly thinking i think.

Your friend, she may be saying that to make you feel better or it may be true, but at least she did not want to hurt your feelings which is a good sign she is a good person.
Yeah I definitely think my friend is a good person; I've known her and her family my whole life and she has always been there for me even in the darkest periods of my life, so the last thing I want is to accuse her of anything. As for him, I've been noticing a lot of his rude behaviour and that he's really not a great person. However, everyone else seems to love him because of how "funny" he is so they insist on keeping him around. I'd never expect any of them to pick sides, but I won't lie it does hurt me that they don't consider my feelings sometimes.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Yeah I definitely think my friend is a good person; I've known her and her family my whole life and she has always been there for me even in the darkest periods of my life, so the last thing I want is to accuse her of anything. As for him, I've been noticing a lot of his rude behaviour and that he's really not a great person. However, everyone else seems to love him because of how "funny" he is so they insist on keeping him around. I'd never expect any of them to pick sides, but I won't lie it does hurt me that they don't consider my feelings sometimes.
It is good to be aware and assessing things. There are all sorts of people in our lives and we have to have to know how to deal with them don't we. Who to not tell private things for example, has been a problem of mine.

I keep remembering a boyfriend i had and how i went to and did everything he wanted to do and how sad that was. I didn't learn anything from him or improve as a person from being with him. I made a bad decision, i think i have been a bad judge of character for so long and only now am i really awake and careful.
 
L

LostGirl1987

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It is good to be aware and assessing things. There are all sorts of people in our lives and we have to have to know how to deal with them don't we. Who to not tell private things for example, has been a problem of mine.

I keep remembering a boyfriend i had and how i went to and did everything he wanted to do and how sad that was. I didn't learn anything from him or improve as a person from being with him. I made a bad decision, i think i have been a bad judge of character for so long and only now am i really awake and careful.
Yeah I feel the same with this recent ex of mine to be honest, I feel like he causes me nothing but stress and the whole thing was just a major mistake. But it’s good that you’re more aware now! I definitely need to be a better judge of character 😂
 
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