Made Some Big Mistakes, Looking for Support Going Forward.

[coffeeandwar]

I hope this is the right place; first time poster on the forum, please gently tell me off if I need to change the way I'm presenting information or do anything differently at all. Hey everyone--I'm going to be completely honest here. I messed up big time and it's been a long time coming. Some context: I have been struggling with mental illness for a a long time due to some childhood experiences, and I've picked up a lot of bad coping mechanisms and really toxic behaviours.

This weekend I finally drove my best friend (whom I lived with) away by going into a suicide fugue state, and lost a lot of important friends and also a girlfriend who are really important to me in the process. I don't blame them, because here's what I was doing:

- being really clingy while resenting that I needed help

- not seeing past my own hurt and lashing out at them sometimes on purpose, and then not reflecting on this

- thinking that they surely are tolerating this I'm doing better recently right?

Roommate specific:

I hope we had a good arrangement ... once, I hope, but I majorly borked it by not watching how I took my feelings out on her, for one. We've lived together for five years, and she's really shy and passive, and at first I tried to be really accommodating of that but I got frustrated, which is on me. I definitely struggle with being bossy and overbearing, and I now know that she did not feel comfortable telling me the truth or establish boundaries with me even if I tried to ask her directly. I want to state that this is entirely on me.

I am not blaming myself for her own personality quirks, but rather I definitely took advantage of this later in our relationship when I got sicker (physically and mentally) by lashing out more, not listening when she was uncomfortable, being blind to the fact that she was basically taking care of me and scared that I was going to hurt myself so she couldn't say anything. I owe her so freaking much and I have definitely tried to apologize and own up to everything I did, being cruel and glib, forgetting that she was there for me and being more demanding and making her feel like she had to care for me, being unfair about how I felt she was acting, etc. I took advantage of her friendship and generousity and am definitely committed to paying for it.

She is away at her parents for the week and 100% will move out. I do not blame her, I have told her I support her entirely and will do my best to compensate her for all the care and things she bought for the house/our two cats because she thought she couldn't say no to me or want to have an argument with me. Like I said, fucked up bad. I was too caught up in my own WOE!! to appreciate her properly or get my shit together. I'd love a second chance, of course, but I know I have no right to ask that, just apologize if she wants to hear it.

I am vibrating out of my skin about being able to make rent and so on, since I have also been on thin ice at my job for being sick so much. (I called in today to deal with fallout, and I will just have to take it one day at a time.)

As for the girlfriend, we've been together for years and were practically married, but I finally got to the point where I used abusive language at her over text to get her to leave me alone and said outright I was trying to hurt her and make her leave. Obviously, I was batshit and in the complete wrong. She took a bit to take care of herself and contacted me today after I apologized saying that she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, but she doesn't want to just ditch me and would love trying to keep in touch and she believes and is happy I am trying to be better. I'm so thankful for this because it's more than I deserve, since even if it's "just" text I was cruel on purpose because I did not have the help I need. She has also expressed that lately she has felt she has needed to tip-toe around me and I agree, I have not been very good to be around even for the people I wasn't constantly lashing out at and she felt like she was encouraging my bad thought patterns. I definitely need to change those.

Mutuals of both people (a lot of overlap) have told me either to bugger off (fair) or to wish me well but not to be part of my journey. I have reached out to everyone I can think of to just say, hey, I messed up, really bad, here's what I did and I will try to describe it as faithfully as possible, and let everyone know I'm taking steps to be better but I have no expectations that I will be forgiven or that anyone needs to stick around to find out.

I did call a crisis hot-line today, and took the first steps to getting back into therapy; and tomorrow I will try my darnest to head into a full work day and chug through it.

I'm here because--I feel very lonely, despite knowing that I caused this. But I want to be better, for good, as soon as possible, so I know to do that I need to ask for help. If after knowing all of this you have some encouragement to spare, some belief that I can be better, or if miraculously someone is up to being my mental health / don't be a dipshit sponsor, I would be forever in your debt.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Mayflower7]

Hi,
Welcome to the forum
Glad your having therapy again.
Take care

 

[Professionalhypochondriac]

I hope this is the right place; first time poster on the forum, please gently tell me off if I need to change the way I'm presenting information or do anything differently at all. Hey everyone--I'm going to be completely honest here. I messed up big time and it's been a long time coming. Some context: I have been struggling with mental illness for a a long time due to some childhood experiences, and I've picked up a lot of bad coping mechanisms and really toxic behaviours.

This weekend I finally drove my best friend (whom I lived with) away by going into a suicide fugue state, and lost a lot of important friends and also a girlfriend who are really important to me in the process. I don't blame them, because here's what I was doing:

- being really clingy while resenting that I needed help

- not seeing past my own hurt and lashing out at them sometimes on purpose, and then not reflecting on this

- thinking that they surely are tolerating this I'm doing better recently right?

Roommate specific:

I hope we had a good arrangement ... once, I hope, but I majorly borked it by not watching how I took my feelings out on her, for one. We've lived together for five years, and she's really shy and passive, and at first I tried to be really accommodating of that but I got frustrated, which is on me. I definitely struggle with being bossy and overbearing, and I now know that she did not feel comfortable telling me the truth or establish boundaries with me even if I tried to ask her directly. I want to state that this is entirely on me.

I am not blaming myself for her own personality quirks, but rather I definitely took advantage of this later in our relationship when I got sicker (physically and mentally) by lashing out more, not listening when she was uncomfortable, being blind to the fact that she was basically taking care of me and scared that I was going to hurt myself so she couldn't say anything. I owe her so freaking much and I have definitely tried to apologize and own up to everything I did, being cruel and glib, forgetting that she was there for me and being more demanding and making her feel like she had to care for me, being unfair about how I felt she was acting, etc. I took advantage of her friendship and generousity and am definitely committed to paying for it.

She is away at her parents for the week and 100% will move out. I do not blame her, I have told her I support her entirely and will do my best to compensate her for all the care and things she bought for the house/our two cats because she thought she couldn't say no to me or want to have an argument with me. Like I said, fucked up bad. I was too caught up in my own WOE!! to appreciate her properly or get my shit together. I'd love a second chance, of course, but I know I have no right to ask that, just apologize if she wants to hear it.

I am vibrating out of my skin about being able to make rent and so on, since I have also been on thin ice at my job for being sick so much. (I called in today to deal with fallout, and I will just have to take it one day at a time.)

As for the girlfriend, we've been together for years and were practically married, but I finally got to the point where I used abusive language at her over text to get her to leave me alone and said outright I was trying to hurt her and make her leave. Obviously, I was batshit and in the complete wrong. She took a bit to take care of herself and contacted me today after I apologized saying that she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, but she doesn't want to just ditch me and would love trying to keep in touch and she believes and is happy I am trying to be better. I'm so thankful for this because it's more than I deserve, since even if it's "just" text I was cruel on purpose because I did not have the help I need. She has also expressed that lately she has felt she has needed to tip-toe around me and I agree, I have not been very good to be around even for the people I wasn't constantly lashing out at and she felt like she was encouraging my bad thought patterns. I definitely need to change those.

Mutuals of both people (a lot of overlap) have told me either to bugger off (fair) or to wish me well but not to be part of my journey. I have reached out to everyone I can think of to just say, hey, I messed up, really bad, here's what I did and I will try to describe it as faithfully as possible, and let everyone know I'm taking steps to be better but I have no expectations that I will be forgiven or that anyone needs to stick around to find out.

I did call a crisis hot-line today, and took the first steps to getting back into therapy; and tomorrow I will try my darnest to head into a full work day and chug through it.

I'm here because--I feel very lonely, despite knowing that I caused this. But I want to be better, for good, as soon as possible, so I know to do that I need to ask for help. If after knowing all of this you have some encouragement to spare, some belief that I can be better, or if miraculously someone is up to being my mental health / don't be a dipshit sponsor, I would be forever in your debt.

Thanks for reading.

Hello , I have been where you have and let me agree that it is a dark and horrible place to be.
Firstly when we have mental health issues we take it out on our most nearest and dearest... getting angry is a coping mechanism and away of us covering up how weak and vulnerable we feel.
What I would say is don’t beat yourself up too much.
One step at a time and one day at time.
Getting back to work may take some focus from your issues and give you something else to focus.
Taking the first step is the most important and things will take time but acknowledging you need help is the best thing you can do...
Everyone on this forum is going threw issues and we are all here to help each other out

 

[coffeeandwar]

Hello , I have been where you have and let me agree that it is a dark and horrible place to be.
Firstly when we have mental health issues we take it out on our most nearest and dearest... getting angry is a coping mechanism and away of us covering up how weak and vulnerable we feel.
What I would say is don’t beat yourself up too much.
One step at a time and one day at time.
Getting back to work may take some focus from your issues and give you something else to focus.
Taking the first step is the most important and things will take time but acknowledging you need help is the best thing you can do...
Everyone on this forum is going threw issues and we are all here to help each other out

Thanks so much for the kind words and empathy! It is really that isn't it? I struggle so much with feeling vulnerable especially as I also went through a rather traumatic childhood with what I suppose I could describe as the opposite of healthy parental support, and I never really learned how to feel my own feelings without being punished.

I have defaulted to beating myself up in the past, but I'm trying really hard this time to remember that even though I have made a mistake the best thing to do is to do better.

I am definitely thankful for work these days; it gives me something to do other than think about all the things I hate about myself and all the ways I've messed up.

 

[Jimh]

unfortunately mental health issues can put a lot of pressure on relationships of all kinds. at least you have shown remorse and are taking steps to make amends, i think if people see this they will come back to you in time.

sounds like you've had a bit of a crash which i think just involves taking each day at a time and hoping time cures as it usually does eventually. work can be a good way to take your mind off things and i think is worth putting the effort in to maintain (although i know how hard this can be sometimes).

 

[coffeeandwar]

unfortunately mental health issues can put a lot of pressure on relationships of all kinds. at least you have shown remorse and are taking steps to make amends, i think if people see this they will come back to you in time.

sounds like you've had a bit of a crash which i think just involves taking each day at a time and hoping time cures as it usually does eventually. work can be a good way to take your mind off things and i think is worth putting the effort in to maintain (although i know how hard this can be sometimes).

Thanks for the encouragement, that was really nice to hear!

I did crash probably harder than I've ever crashed in my life, but, hey, everyone needs a mid-life crisis whether or not mental illness is involved right? (Haha!)

I'm definitely aiming to throw myself into work for a bit--hobbies are a bit touch a go, since those sometimes involve social contact and most of the people I enjoyed hobbies with right now aren't exactly too excited to see me... getting out there and building new ones or enjoying any of the ones you had to begin with at all is always a struggle with depression as well, but that's one of the main things I'm aiming to discuss in counselling.