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Low, tired, lost, is this my life forever? Will i ever get better?

B

Bookworm

Guest
I feel like since i was diagnosed, or just before, Bipolar 2, i've been ill. My world has fallen apart. Everything i had has changed. There are some benefits to having gone through the episodes i have gone through, the long depressions, i have done much thinking and changed my life in many positive ways, but i am left now, always atleast slightly unwell, and i think everything is passing me by. My friends are all on holiday in Egypt scuba diving, and i was invited but as i am off work apart from the odd shift when able, i could not afford it. Not that i could go anyway because i don't feel well enough and cannot risk being ill in a country like Egypt especially. They are all also married now, apart from one, and two have children. I feel as though i'm not going to have a full life. Who is going to put up with a depressive as a wife? And if i am to live thislife alone romantically, which i know many do, childless too, what am i going to spend my time doing? I have hobbies, a routine, but i am bored. Sad and bored. I feel the only outcome of these feelings and this sub-life, is self harm or worse. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if i should accept that this is my life now, or fight harder. I feel like i have no fight left. I feel like i have accepted this is how things are, and i have a disability, an illness, that is valid, it has taken me a long time to accept that and stop trying to do this or that. I'm so desperately low and lost.
 
Hellbilly

Hellbilly

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Ah bookworm
I can so relate to a lot of your post
I can promise you it does get better
You have done well so far came so far
Maybe it's time to just take some smaller steps???
And to count all the steps you have taken so far .
Maybe a change of view now and then??? Walking helps talking helps
Just going out somewhere anywhere . Just a little self push now and then
 
B

Bookworm

Guest
Thanks Helllbilly, looking back i have come so so so so far. Isn't it a long long long way back up though. Small progress yes, small progress. I have the next step in mind, so i will focus on that first and then rethink.

Boredom i find ever so hard though. I have a class starting in September so that will sort one day out.

It is just such a different life i am leading now and i am terrified of making the wrong decisions, or not trying hard enough. The benefits issue doesn't help much as i get scared of doing any work incase ATOS turn around and say i am well now when i'm not. It's such pressure.
 
Hellbilly

Hellbilly

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Joined
Aug 24, 2012
Messages
5,988
Location
Cumbria uk
I was told once by a very wise man
This life is like a journey up a flight of stairs
Don't look up don't see how many steps there are to go
Do look back and see how many you have came up
And if its looking a bit grim then stay on the step your on now there's no hurry to leave stay as long as you want

You do get to a point where you think now what?? Well little steps a bit of fine tuning now
 
B

Bookworm

Guest
so don't look up, much, don't look down, just be content with where you are, and evaluate when you feel the need.

I don't meant o be a nuisance, but i'm on this step, i worry that i will just sit here and sit here when i should be trying to move to the next one. Or is it an escalator? What if everyone is climbing, moving up, and you have just stopped on your step. It doesn't feel like it is moving, but you know it is, just really really slowly.

I just rang the samaritans and she said that women do this, well women. She does it. It is natural to think you are not doing the right thing, to think you should be doing better than you are, to feel guilty for not doing enough, well enough.

Maybe i'm worrying about nothing. I'm doing fine. I'm doing my best, and any more at the moment would likely topple me over.:)
 
Hellbilly

Hellbilly

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You can only do your best
Anything else is pretence
So what if you get stuck on a step ??? It's safe there it's warm no problem
You can move to the next one if you want but if your not ready you can't go back. So be sure
Just turn round every now and then and see how far you have climbed
Enjoy that don't be s arc of what's to come don't even think there are more steps
 
B

Bookworm

Guest
Ok, i will get comfy here and rest my head, and get up and move when i'm good and ready. :)
 
Hellbilly

Hellbilly

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Joined
Aug 24, 2012
Messages
5,988
Location
Cumbria uk
I know in reality that its more complex in real time more issues to deal with
All I'm saying is don't rush to move on only go when your ready
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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Apr 9, 2011
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Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
no good advise but many hugs
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
gloriously cosy and beautiful warm hugs im sending you way today
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
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