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Low quality of life

A

andymax76

Member
Joined
Jun 22, 2008
Messages
15
Location
Durham, UK
Been having a tough time recently, with my moods, motivation, concentration, everything. It's always there, but it's been verging on the unbearable for the past few weeks.
Got to thinking about my actual quality of life. It's rubbish. I can honestly say I get no pleasure from anything. Nothing brings me joy. I can't feel anything. Love, contentment, happiness, or even bad emotions like sadness and anger. All I ever feel is gloom and fear. The only thing I look forward to is sleep. When I'm asleep I don't have to be concious. That's good. It takes the pain away. Til I get up again.
And It's been like that for years. What kind of existance is this? Why do I keep going to work? Why do I keep paying the bills? Why the hell do I keep listening to other's problems and sympathising with them when I feel so bad myself? Why does my body insist on keeping itself going?
The fact is that I know I will be this way until I die. Worse than any prison sentence. No judge. No jury. No parole.

Well that's that off me chest. How's everyone else feeling??
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Sorry you're having it rough Andy. Do you actually see anyone - GP, CPN or anything?
 
A

andymax76

Member
Joined
Jun 22, 2008
Messages
15
Location
Durham, UK
Thanks for the reply, Dollit. Means a lot.

Yeah, I see my GP. He keeps giving me scripts for my meds - of which this is the twelfth I have tried - and always goes on about how I should be losing weight, lowering my cholesterol and that my BP is a bit high. Par for the course really as far as I have found with GPs - I've changed GP a few times in recent years.

And yes, I've had a CPN making regular visits in the past. He tried to get me doing cognitive therapy. That's OK when you have the mental strength to do it - I have neither the focus or the will.

I have come round to the view that, for me at least, this is the way it's gonna be.
(y)
 
D

Dollit

Guest
You do need quite a bit of energy for CBT, at least that's what I've found. My GP is really good, never hassles me about weight, understands that my eating habits are up the wall.

Keep posting Andy, we can't offer a miracle cure but this place is really supportive.
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
The fact is that I know I will be this way until I die. Worse than any prison sentence. No judge. No jury. No parole.
Hi Andy & Welcome to the forum. It can feel like that through periods of pain. However in my own experience things do shift, things pass, we mend slowly. I am not a fortune teller - but we don't know what is around the corner or how these experiences can help with insight & understanding at a latter stage. Not that I don't sympathise, I really do - I know how this stuff can sometimes seem worse than any prison sentence.
 
Fedup

Fedup

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 18, 2007
Messages
1,937
Been having a tough time recently, with my moods, motivation, concentration, everything. It's always there, but it's been verging on the unbearable for the past few weeks.
Got to thinking about my actual quality of life. It's rubbish. I can honestly say I get no pleasure from anything. Nothing brings me joy. I can't feel anything. Love, contentment, happiness, or even bad emotions like sadness and anger. All I ever feel is gloom and fear. The only thing I look forward to is sleep. When I'm asleep I don't have to be concious. That's good. It takes the pain away. Til I get up again.
And It's been like that for years. What kind of existance is this? Why do I keep going to work? Why do I keep paying the bills? Why the hell do I keep listening to other's problems and sympathising with them when I feel so bad myself? Why does my body insist on keeping itself going?
The fact is that I know I will be this way until I die. Worse than any prison sentence. No judge. No jury. No parole.

Well that's that off me chest. How's everyone else feeling??
Waaaaaaaa i could of wrote this ............. that's it exactly how i feel . Apart from i'm not able to work .
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,719
Location
Yorkshire
Yep - I'm there too and like Fedup am unable to work.

The only thing I can say is that there will always be up days when it's not quite so bad to go along with the downs (says he not really believing it!). If you have an up day (even slightly up) hang onto it and remember it next time you are down. Nice advice but it doesn't work for me, lol.

When I'm down, sleep is the only thing that takes it away for me too - blissful unconciousness - though I do get some very strange dreams!

I find that talking to people helps a bit - and that includes my local mental health support line, my psychologist (though the challenging often make me feel worse), chatting to people here and keeping a blog here where I can dribble on and on.

Another thing I do is to look out for the little things that give me a bit of a lift - the way the wind blows the leaves, the sound they make, the pattern of shadows on the ground, the taste of a nice mug of coffee. Noticing these things blocks out all of the badness in my head, not for ever... probably only for a milisecond but it is blissful respite. I guess this is like a little moment of meditation... for my next trick I'll spread the feeling across the rest of my life... haha - some hope - other people do swear by it though.

Whatever you do Andy... take care and keep posting here. We're all here to support you.

Honey, xx
 
orange_sox

orange_sox

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 10, 2008
Messages
101
Location
Bradford, UK
You took the words right out of my mouth, I feel just how you described almost every single day of my life, I've done the rounds with the meds, the doctors, the weight... all of it. Sleep is my main escape in life and it always has been, when I am unconscious I can't worry, or feel alone, or alienated, I am just me.

I say I feel like that for almost every single day, because I do have the occasionally up day, I might not be as high as a kite, but I have to take everything I can from life that I can get. My up days are like most peoples bad days, but my bad days are like most people's worst nightmares, so it's all balanced out.

I, like you, lost all interest in everything I found fulfilling in my life, and there seemed to be nothing left for me to live for. I've had to get my way through this, and I try to hang on to even a smidgen of enthusiasm I have for anything in the vain hope it might bring me some amount of joy. Unfortunately this leads to a houseful of unfinished projects and a life full of uncompleted tasks, but I've learnt to live with that.

I was really at a loss how to get by until I joined this forum, it's true talking things through with a sympathetic and understanding (of your condition) ear can really help. I started a blog the first day I joined and it really helps to write out how you feel, what you think etc, and actually get some feedback from people who are in (or have been in) the same position as you.

Keep coming back and posting, there's usually at least one person about to chat to :)
 
T

telemetry9

Guest
hey

Andy,

Reading your description of your life with depression really struck me. I can empathize with every part of your description.

After living for many years with major and endogenous depression I hope I have a little insight into this awful condition and It really struck me that if you came across the right medication it could make a big difference to your life. 12 medication tries shows that you are a fighter and someone who doesn't give up easily and that is an enormously admirable quality and really shows the kind of person you must be. I admire your determination to try for yourself and hope for better a life. I know many people who live with long term depression will recognize your strength and determination as courage and bravery that the world does not often see or acknowledge.

With my own bear faced cheek I'm going to suggest something different and I can't guarantee or claim it will work. Imipramine or amitriptyline are an older class of medication but can sometimes have a real impact on long term endogenous depression were SSRIs often fail. I can't claim anything for them but that it might give you a new avenue to research some stuff (imipramine in particular).

I have treatment resistant depression and have tried countless meds over the years but I found amitriptilyine to make a real difference to my quality of life after doing some research on my own. The past 3 days have been pretty low but generally i have been well and positive for about 4 months now and that has been constant (to my astonishment). I have even begun to think about the future.

So - I can't claim anything great but at least it might get you a new direction of possibility. If that doesn't suit then a depression support group in your local area can give you loads of new contacts and avenues of possibility without the pressure of therapy or expectation.

All the very best to you
Robert.
 
A

andymax76

Member
Joined
Jun 22, 2008
Messages
15
Location
Durham, UK
Your replies are all greatly appreciated and it's always good to strike a chord with others about how you feel as it makes you feel less alone in your situation.

No-one could ever believe the sheer grit and determination it demands to get through this affliction unless they have been through it themselves, and we should all give ourselves a pat on the back for simply having the motivation to turn our computers on!

I suppose it's some kind of involuntary and undesirable "club" we find ourselves in and I do think it helps even to sit and type a post on here, so yes, I will keep in touch. We have to stick together because I truly don't believe anybody else can understand, even medical professionals, unless they have been here. I know I couldn't have understood before it hit me.

That was one of the things that got me when I first suffered from depression. The lack of understanding.

Everyone keep battling on!
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,719
Location
Yorkshire
Hi Andy, glad that the forum has been some help so far. Stick with us as it's a great way to check things out and get loads of support.

Hi Orange Sox - your bit about starting all sorts of things and not finishing them sounds just like me. I grasp at anything that fires any sort of enthusiasm in me but then inevitably find I can't sustain my motivation and so don't complete them. For me though not completing them is a sign of failure and weakness and so acts as another nail in the you know what. How have you come to terms with them? Sounds great that you are ok with them and I'd love to know how you managed it!
 
lucid scream

lucid scream

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 22, 2008
Messages
672
Location
Looking down from the bridge
yep, i'm with all that.
i sometimes wake up and squeeze my eyes closed hoping ill just drift away again. i wish we could sleep forever.
when i'm depressed the realization that its morning is the most crushing of the day.
my angel of mercy comes in a little plastic bottle. its a hateful existence.




:(
 
orange_sox

orange_sox

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 10, 2008
Messages
101
Location
Bradford, UK
When I give up tasks I try not to get too down heartened, always telling myself that one day I will finish it, it might not be tomorrow, it might not be next year, it might not even be the next decade, but I'll get it finished. When I do eventually get things done (this is easily achieved if you sometimes pick really small projects that will only take a few hours) then I make sure I put them somewhere prominent. That way when I'm beating myself up that I didn't stick with something I can look at it and think "I did finish this though, and I am really proud of myself that I did"

I've had to spend a lot of years being the only person that believed in me, so I grasp any opportunity to show myself that I can do things, and I am a good person regardless of what other people think or say.
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,719
Location
Yorkshire
Thanks Orange Sox, that's what I need - some really small projects!

I guess though everything can be broken down into a set of really small projects with small goals that are realistic... it's just having the discipline to do this rather than rushing off expecting to do the whole thing in 20 minutes!
 
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