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He1ena

He1ena

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
255
Location
South Shields
I have been here before in many ways than one. I'm lookin for the support i no longer have in my own life. I'm writing on a mobile so please excuse my spellin etc. I feel so lost and lonely. I have no friends. I have a mother who i am scared to talk to due to her responses. She is understandably just to attached, and frightens me with questions if i talk to her. I have a partner who refuses to read or look into anything i have found which is about my mental state or may help. He tells me to stop cryin and
 
He1ena

He1ena

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
255
Location
South Shields
Sort myself out. Says i have no friends cos i'm not tryin hard enough. Its easy for him, he doesn't have panic attacks or stutter when he talks. He used to hold me and make things seem better. Tonight he's gone to his friends to drink rather than help me paint the house ready for a move. I have a 3 year old in the house with me. She's in bed. I'm scared to be with myself tonight
 
He1ena

He1ena

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
255
Location
South Shields
Last year i got so low i took all the meds i had at once. I was sick of hearing people say i'm fine. In the last year alone, my mental health team have lost 4 people to suicide. One was a mother the same age as me who went to see them and begged them to take her in but they didn't. She jumped off the cliffs at the beach. Another was a boy i went to school with. Again he went and begged, was turned away so went and stole a taxi and drove over the same cliffs. He was younger than me.
 
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Dollit

Guest
Hi Helena - it all seemed so positive for a while for you didn't it? Welcome back sweetie, we've kept your seat warm. x
 
He1ena

He1ena

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
255
Location
South Shields
Dollit you've made me cry cos your the first friendly word in so long. I'm so tired. You must undertand. I'm only 23, i have so many years of this torture left. I've had enough. I'm scared of doctors. They give me drugs that make me feel ill and they drugs are also a way out. My last councillor told me i was fine so i developed problems with her cos she shrugged me off. Been told it looks like bpd, but never got much further. I have read up and it is me. I dont know where to turn
 
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Dollit

Guest
Hey sweetheart just keep coming back. You know how safe it is on here and we've got a whole bunch of lovely new people that you haven't met yet. You can start a blog again so we know where we can find you. And you have to tell us about that little angel of yours.

I had some time out last week because I was suicidal again and I'm glad I didn't do it Helena because I wouldn't be getting to hug you now if I had. :hug:
 
He1ena

He1ena

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
255
Location
South Shields
I'm so jelous that other people have the ability for suicide. I'm so unneeded here. I just make people unhappy
 
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Dollit

Guest
You don't make people unhappy sweetheart. Never - it's their lack of understanding not the way you are. You look at that little girl's face and you have to know that you're needed, she loves you. And don't be jealous that people die just be glad that you're tough enough to live. As long as you're alive there's hope - and that's right from my heart Helena, I know that one well.
 
He1ena

He1ena

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
255
Location
South Shields
How are you so strong? All ways here helpin others. I feel so stupid cos i cant cope with the silliest little things. Why cant i be normal? Be happy? I honestly would take cancer over this, atleast people would pity me instead of judgin. I wish it was my time. I hope if i wish enough it will happen to me
 
He1ena

He1ena

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
255
Location
South Shields
I look at her with so much love and pride, she's amazin. I know if i go it will hurt her, she may even hate me in years to come for leavin her. But i'd rather that than she learn from me and be as i am. To sentence her to this.
 
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Dollit

Guest
I'm not strong I just want to stay alive. I don't cope with the little things. One of my closest friends is always saying how I change the world one minute and then don't know how to cope with the stuff that his kids can do in their sleep.

I accepted a long time ago I wasn't going to be normal and, having seen what passes for normal, I don't want to be like that.

Don't wish for things like cancer, and pity isn't what it seems you know. It's what people feel when they're glad it's not them.

I have to go now and get some sleep. I'll be back tomorrow if you want to leave me a message. If you doubt that there's any reason for you to live just go and look at that beautiful little girl while she's sleeping. And get some sleep yourself. x
 
He1ena

He1ena

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
255
Location
South Shields
Thank you. I know there's no magic wand you can wave or you'll have done it by now. I had accepted bein different but different wont help me stay in my relationship. Got to be normal or be lonely. I'm goin to let my dogs not one last time then go look at my baby. I'll speak to you tomorrow i hope. You make me feels like i'm not crazy, i feel as if a weight has been lifted. Thank you so so much, Gnite x :hug:
 
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