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Lost and dont know what to do

T

tornadoesofthoughts

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Joined
Sep 29, 2014
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46
Location
England
Hi hope you are all ok.
Just having a low right now, so upset....basically my Nan died last month, I saw her a few hours before she passed then went to say goodbye after she passed. Dad and I had t stay in her flat to help clear it- apart from being scared at night (never seen a body before although I was glad I did and got to say bye) and making Dad keep the light on (I'm 21! So I guess bit of a wimp!) at night, it didn't feel real and felt like she was away. I am glad I saw her after and said goodye, just a few days aftr I had images in my head but they have gone now- I know she is at peace with my Grandad and is happy with him in Heaven which gives me comfort :)
I cried at the funeral, bit at the after gathering it still didn't feel real,and now it doesn't.

I text my CPN a few times to keep her updated, I actually said I am off Sertaline and had terrible withdrawls like being dizzy, she didn't reply until I text her and told her I was home. Nan lived up North, I live down South of the UK. I couldn't make the app as I didn't feel well, just said I had a GP app.

So while I was away I put on weight, I've actually had disordered habits and have a referral to a Eating Disorders unit but had to rearrange as I was away. I literally ATE EVERYTHING- tonight I tried on my wedding dress (2 months to go) and it's never done up but was hoping to lose weight,my partner saw the dress,and he said I looked beautiful but it's a dress size too small, so I am seeing an alteration lady in June, I can either get a new dress, or I hope the lady can make it bigger.While I was away I put on weight so a bit upset...trying to lose as much as I can by Aug.

So I got upset, went out and downed a bottle of wine, came home...Husband to be barely talking to me as I was drunk. My mum is an alcoholic and she told me I was fat which led to try and drastically lose weight, he doesn't like her. He likes my Dad but he drinks to due to stress.
So now I am awake,and he is asleep. I have stopped taking Sertaline, nearly took an overdose but didnt, I don't want to go back to inpatient although I was voluntary and I just don't know what to do. He is barely talking to me and is upset I resort to alcohol.
I don't know what to do.

I just don't know what life wants off me- happiness is so hard!
It's my birthday today and I have to go to Italian for lunch, worried about putting on weight but I think the wine and gin I had tonight has already done that,

Sorry, I don't have a question, I am just lost and don't know what to do! Kind of a rant! Sorry x

TornadoesofThoughts x
 
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M

Madmitch

Guest
you're NOT a wimp, when my Dad died, I had to see him dead, as his wife had him in their house, I didn't like it, so I can empathise with you. :)

I, don't know the meds your on as I haven't had time at the time I'm writing this to do the research. I'm confident those caring for your needs think that this medication is correct for you.

We are all allowed to grieve and it sounds like you have a very supportive partner/husband to be.

Happy Birthday:)

About lunch! I, would just enjoy the day with the Man that loves you and others if your going with family?

Alcohol isn't usually the answer. Sure 'in the moment' it helps, but NOT long term, I know. Best NOT take an overdose, you'd feel shitty and in the morning when your 'Husband-to-be' awakes he would be devastated and you may die!?! I DON'T want that of your life, such a young life with so much potential.

If, you need someone to talk to tonight? Perhaps try 'Breathing Space' a UK Charity specialising on people that have difficult times, they listen and are NOT judgemental, they may help, even for tonight 0800 83 85 87, good luck and if, you don't call them, I hope you manage to sleep well. Your wedding will be lovely:)
 
calypso

calypso

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Hello Tornado. Its so hard at times, isn't it? Please don't take an OD, its never going to be an answer really. Can you talk to your husband at all? I used to write a letter when mine was an ass and wouldn't talk. I'd ask him to read it and that would kick off a discussion. You can say that you know he doesn't like you drinking, but its harder to cope if he doesn't talk with you.

I am SO sorry you just lost your nan. Grief is a strange thing and it is a process none of us can escape. I am glad you could say good bye properly though, that is so important. You aren't a wimp about seeing her dead and never having seen anyone dead before. Perhaps your husband just doesn't know how to react to emotions, so switches off - mine did that! It was infuriating. He died of alcoholism too so I do understand about your mum.

Just because your mother died of alcoholism doesn't mean you will. I hope you remember that. As for eating, give yourself a real break and be kind to yourself. You have just lost someone you loved and we all use all kinds of things to cope. Have you got anyone else to talk with about your feelings? It sounds like you need a friend to pour out your thoughts and feelings. We are all hear to listen if you wish to share here.

Be kind to yourself. Please don't hurt yourself. xxxx
 
calypso

calypso

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I missed that madMitch about the birthday - Happy Birthday Tornado. I know you may not feel that - but you are a lovely person, so just try to sleep now.
 
T

tornadoesofthoughts

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2014
Messages
46
Location
England
Thank you for the reply- I went out for lunch today, although my head was hurting this morning! Sorry I wasn't clear, my Mum is still here but she drinks a lot. She is toxic, currently split from her ex of ten years (who is like a Step Dad to me) and he has a new partner, she is hell bent on making his life hell. Apparently he owes her 5 grand, but I spoke to him and he said it isn't true, my Dad said my Mum said the same thing to him when they divorced.
She got annoyed I went out with my friend for my birthday although my Mum lives 20 miles away.
Apparently as she is my Mum she SHOULD see me on my birthday, cried and said no one cared about her feelings.
I feel guilty as she is being so nasty to people (calling me fat, never going to fit into my dress, she also laughed and said everyone thinks I am fat) I can't stand her at the moment, although I love her of course.
I have tried talking to her but she says she is depressed...although she knows I went into hospital last year and at the time said to me 'why am I doing this to HER.'
Anyway....she seems to forget my Nan has just passed and that I have MH issues too. It got me thinking...although she gave me everything, toys,money etc- when I was growing up she was just drinking and smoking weed in her bedroom, or with friends. She always used to dismiss my problems, say I was making it up. Her typical reply was 'oh you think you are depressed, I am more depressed' type of thing. I really resent her for that. Especially when I see happy, supportive families.
I was thinking of limiting contact but she always texts and calls....just don't know what to do.
Although my Dad drinks he drinks socially in the pub not alone- so I would say it is still alcoholism but he understands me more and listens, called me everyday when I was on the ward.
My OH just doesn't want me to be like my Mum and I understand, he dislikes her as she called me fat and then my eating went worse.
This is a bit of a ramble! Sorry!
 
D

djooj

Guest
relate to some stuff you wrote. I think it was good you had your birthday with friend, somebody'll be about, as will we be. Sorry bout your nan.

Take care
 
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