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Lost and confused!?!

Spaceman

Spaceman

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
187
Location
Hampshire UK
Can anyone offer some clarity to the fog I live in?

I am in my early forties and I have a responsible sales job, I am also a qualified counsellor, although not practising at the moment - can't look after myself at the moment let alone anyone else.

I have suffered with mood swings since a child but always been able to muddle through them. But last November the ups and downs started becoming more frequent and I was starting to struggle and hide it from others. I did not feel I could see a counsellor because I was well known in that fraternity so I fessed up to the GP who promptly sent me into the CMHT system. I am in the process of being assessed for BP and Cyclothymia. I was also diagnosed with Tourettes four years ago and my motor ticks have been quite bad.

My dilemma is that I am tired of trying to cope but I do not want to admit that now I am not only struggling to cope, but I am self harming and having suicidal thoughts. I would not commit suicide but I do not want to be here anymore, I am tired of it all. I tend to keep myself to myself in the lows and just go into my own world but it is starting to affect my relationships.

The other issue is that my 18 year old son has been in the MH system since he was six, he also is self harming and has had suicidal thoughts. So i do not want to burden him or my wife with my problems, I need to be strong but I am tired of being strong - so I cry on my own and cover up my scars.

I am frightened of losing my job if they find out I am mentally ill and I am frigtened i will not be able to counsel again

What can I do?:unsure:
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
It must be difficult worrying about your job and your professional reputation. However if at the end of the day you are not well then you have to try and accept that and seek the help that you need.
I would guess that your wife has some idea that things are not right any way.
Take care.
KP
 
Spaceman

Spaceman

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
187
Location
Hampshire UK
Thanks for your words, I guess I know you are right.

My wife thinks I see the CMHT for my Tourettes and that I am feeling a bit down. The issue is that I am supposed to be a counsellor, I am supposed to have my life sorted when in fact my head is chaotic. It may sound old fashioned but i am supposed to be the head of the family and holding things together, but I am not. If I tell the CPN how I really feel then I am frightened that they will lock me away, no disrespect to those who are institutionalised but I am scared. I just feel I am losing control.

thanks for hearing me

Spaceman
 
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