Lost a day to dissociation, how to get the memories back?

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elanka

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#1
Hi,

This might be a bit incoherent, but so is my mind right now. Yesterday went blank for me from about noon onwards and I'd like to know what happened after that. I got a phone call before noon, which was basically a close person venting all their frustrations about me to me, as far as I can remember. It was for a good reason, no doubt, but to me it felt close to mental abuse because I'm not good at handling any emotions at all. My phone says it lasted 3 hours, but I don't remember what was the rest of it about and I'm certainly not going to ask the person! Thank the worlds it doesn't show any other phone calls or messages after that neither on my phone or computer.
My phone also says I've ordered food around 15 but have no recollection of that. Judging by the signs I've eaten it. I was supposed to have a meeting at 19, never made it to it not messaged that friend I'm not able to come (which I would always, always do!).
This morning I woke up at 5 in my yesterday's clothes to a panic I was late from somewhere. Also, there's a palm-size injury on my forearm, neatly cleaned and wrapped up. Looks self-inflicted. No recollection of this. I only have one snippet of memory from yesterday: "I have to do something with my face, can't go out looking like this". That's it :(
I must have dissociated big time, but how to remember what the hell happened during the evening? Any tips?
Right now I feel pretty stupid.
 
MeropeneM

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#2
What you experienced wasn't dissociation it was psychosis. What substances have you consumed and in what amount?
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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#3
Hi there elanka.That's some pretty serious dissociation you have going on there and something I have had plenty of experience with in the past.Have you been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder?Are you seeing a professional for help with it?I ask because I was diagnosed with a dissociative disorder but with quite a few years of therapy was able to overcome it.If you're not seeing anyone for help I suggest you do since it seems to be impacting your life in a major way.

It sounds like the phone call you had triggered you and then you dissociated.You may not be able to remember what happened throughout your day right now.You may remember in a few days,a few weeks or maybe never.The main thing is to get help with the dissociation.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
 
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elanka

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#4
What you experienced wasn't dissociation it was psychosis. What substances have you consumed and in what amount?
Good poing actually, and I have thought of that too. However, I had not used anything apart from my depression meds that I've used for years already. No alcohol, sedatives, nothing. Drugs or marijuana I never use anyways. Could a psychosis be induced by a mental stress and stop as quickly as it started? Today I've been feeling fine. I'm baffled, to put it mildly.
 
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elanka

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#5
Hi there elanka.That's some pretty serious dissociation you have going on there and something I have had plenty of experience with in the past.Have you been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder?Are you seeing a professional for help with it?I ask because I was diagnosed with a dissociative disorder but with quite a few years of therapy was able to overcome it.If you're not seeing anyone for help I suggest you do since it seems to be impacting your life in a major way.

It sounds like the phone call you had triggered you and then you dissociated.You may not be able to remember what happened throughout your day right now.You may remember in a few days,a few weeks or maybe never.The main thing is to get help with the dissociation.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Thank you for your reply. I have an F44 diagnosis, but it's conversion disorder with seizures or convulsions, effectively dissociation still. The doctors have never given me another dissociation diagnosis despite having an increasing amount of depersonalization and derealization symptoms coming and going. I've been seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist since my burnout and severe depression starting in 2014. Depression is now better but dissociative symptoms seem to be getting worse without a clear trigger. Neither of my professionals seem to have any idea what to do, they just up my meds and tell me that I need to learn to deal with it.
Honestly, I'm fine with dealing with my seizures and other dissociative symptoms, but losing time and control like this, and on top if it all obviously hurting myself unknowingly, is getting me concerned...
 
SunnyDaze

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#6
Is it possible that your meds are a contributing factor in your increased dissociative problems?
 
MeropeneM

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Good poing actually, and I have thought of that too. However, I had not used anything apart from my depression meds that I've used for years already. No alcohol, sedatives, nothing. Drugs or marijuana I never use anyways. Could a psychosis be induced by a mental stress and stop as quickly as it started? Today I've been feeling fine. I'm baffled, to put it mildly.
if you divide 49 by the total number of hours you slept in the last 7 days what number you get?
 
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elanka

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#8
Is it possible that your meds are a contributing factor in your increased dissociative problems?
I think it's always a possibility with brain-affecting medication. I will have to talk about this more seriously with the psychiatrist the next time. I have had same meds now for over 3 years at least and the dosage was upped a year ago. Maybe that explains something.

if you divide 49 by the total number of hours you slept in the last 7 days what number you get?
0,875 as I sleep around 8 hours a night, sometimes 9. I have been sleeping a bit more now (as in more of the 9 hour category) as I'm on a week of holiday, could that contribute? :confused:

The only things out of normal that I can think of are that I'm having a holiday from both school and work right now and that I haven't been eating as much as I would have on a normal week. Holidays are always a bit bad for my mood, I get more anxiety and panic attacks during holiday seasons. Also this being a bit out of my normal balance could explain why something triggered such a massive reaction.

I'd just like to remember, that's all, but maybe it will come back in time.
 
MeropeneM

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#9
0.8 is very good you were well rested. Have your doctor do an MRI or a PET scan of your brain, to rule out other causes. It's a bit weird because your mental state and the way you write stuff it looks really coherent, your memory center may have failed on its own without any "mental" triggers such as abnormally high dopamine and sleep depravation.

Meds like memantine or aricept could help.
 
SunnyDaze

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#10
I read in your intro that you have experienced childhood trauma. Dissociation is very common among survivors.Losing time,what you have described,is very common when someone has a dissociative problem.

Have you had any trauma therapy?
 
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elanka

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#11
I read in your intro that you have experienced childhood trauma. Dissociation is very common among survivors.Losing time,what you have described,is very common when someone has a dissociative problem.

Have you had any trauma therapy?
I don't have access to trauma therapy where I live, so unfortunately not. The closest trauma therapist I've found is 2hr bus ride away and way outside my budget.
I've been seeing a basic psychotherapist for the depression and anxiety though. I've lost a lot of my past memories so I'm kind of used to my memory being flimsy when it comes to my childhood all the way to early 20's. I sometimes remember snippets from here and there and then they disappear again.
This kind of blackout is something new to me. The totality and suddenness made it so weird I thought that maybe I could do something to get that day back somehow. New symptoms always kinda scare you, right? I'm feeling calmer now.
Gladly I have a therapy appointment next week, maybe she can give her two cents or have some recommendations.

I also want to thank you both for your input here, means a lot to me! :grouphug:
 
SunnyDaze

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#12
Yeah,you sure should talk about it in therapy.Maybe you can pop in and update us on what she says about it?
 
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elanka

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#13
Well, had my therapy session today. The therapist thought that it was propably dissociation followed by a short-term psychosis because of the self-damaging behaviour. Dissociation first, as the person whose call triggered the whole thing contacted me again a couple of days ago and said they didn't notice anything weird during the conversation, other than me sounding agreeable, cool and factual, like I had no emotional connection to the subject. I got a very short version of the subject matter from them.

Told what I learned to the therapist and she, knowing also some history of me and the person, told me that it was propably mental abuse heavy enough to trigger me and the caller is not telling me everything (the call was 3 hours long...). She's also supporting me with my decision to cut the caller out of my life for good. Rough seas ahead trying to do that, but we agreed it might be dangerous to get triggered as badly again and it seems the caller is not good for me to hang around. The therapist still thinks I need a trauma therapist but at the moment she's everything I have access to and she's doing her very best.

Whatever really happened will stay with the caller. I still have no memories, even after the short explanation. None whatsoever. Also, for some reason, I don't have much of an emotional meaning attached to this anymore after the initial startle. Or at least I can't reach any emotion when thinking of this outside of "What is this actually and what concrete steps can I take to fix this."
The good thing is that my wound is healing fast and well. Sorry for the black humour, but at least I'm glad that even in psychosis I'm smart enough to desinfect and bind wounds properly.
 
SunnyDaze

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#14
I know your therapist said dissociation and then psychosis,but really to me it sounds more like maybe a different part of you may have taken over after you were triggered and maybe why you have no memory.I hope that doesn't upset or offend you but having different parts/sides/personalities is also pretty common when there's been childhood trauma.

A person doesn't have to have DID(aka multiple personality disorder) to have different parts of themselves,sometimes during trauma the mind splits off to deal with what's happening. Many with CPTSD have that,as well as those with OSDD and of course DID.Have you ever read about them?

But of course I'm just thinking out loud.And hopefully your therapist willhelp you out with all of this.Does she have any experience treating trauma survivors at all?
 
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elanka

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#15
A person doesn't have to have DID(aka multiple personality disorder) to have different parts of themselves,sometimes during trauma the mind splits off to deal with what's happening. Many with CPTSD have that,as well as those with OSDD and of course DID.Have you ever read about them?

But of course I'm just thinking out loud.And hopefully your therapist willhelp you out with all of this.Does she have any experience treating trauma survivors at all?
Yes, I've read quite a bit about those things and dissociation in general. We've been also taking about these different parts in therapy earlier, but I'm still in the process of fitting together the theory and me. The reason is just that I still very easily keep on letting myself be busy with other things and other people to avoid getting to know myself.

My therapist isn't specialized in trauma survivors, that's why she'd like me to see someone who is. She does have some experience though.
 
SunnyDaze

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#16
As long as your therapist is willing to work with you and try,and learn,she will probably be very helpful for you.Sometimes that's more important than how many degrees a professional has.
 
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#17
I lose days too where I think what did I fix for dinner or did I fix dinner I have children. So I know I must have done something for dinner-This is not a drug induced loss of memory. May I am in just so much in the habit of cooking I just forget, all an all very scarey I always go look at dishes when I can not remember.

Too be on the phone for three hours must of stressed you out. That is a long long long time to be on phone. You may have even hurt yourself during this time period. JUst take care and keep conversations short.