Loss of innocence and trust

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douglas1968

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Joined
Jun 27, 2018
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#1
So this forum is about experiences. These experiences I'm about to talk about or what led me down the spiraling path of depression and PTSD. When I was a little boy, I was very very shy and mostly clung to my mother. My father convinced me of how worthless I was, that I should have never been born and that I would not amount to anything, any six-year-old boy hearing these things from his own father is just very devastating and I grew to hate him very much. A nine-year-old boy just should not be made to hate his own father. Okay here is the most devastating events that I know for a fact ruined my entire life. As I mentioned before, I was a very shy little boy and very private. At the ages of eight, nine, 10 I would not let anyone, including family without clothes except for two others. I had no problem taking showers with him and swimming naked in our pond outback. I had an older cousin, at least 18 years old or more that I really looked up to and him I also trusted fully. He would visit from out-of-state and I would, at around nine years old, sleepover at my grandmother's house because I wanted to be with David as I at that age wanted to be cool like him. I trusted him enough to be naked or in my underwear and it was no big deal. Sometimes I would get scared from may be the weather or something and the thing to do was crawl into bed with David and it made me feel very safe. On one of his visits I have crawled into bed with him and was going to go to sleep but David slowly and manipulativly talked me into touching him and it was the most uncomfortable feeling I had ever had. Also while at my house, we were swimming in the pond outback and he began to do worse things that no nine-year-old boy was capable of understanding what was going on. I've talked about this to a therapist I once had and it is still so very hard to talk about. I was molested from nine years old for almost 3 years and one question has always eaten at me. Although there was no chance I would go to my father about this, I had a very loving mother and I still don't know why I did not go to her right off. Kids that are molested have this thing about blaming themselves, that maybe they could have stopped it and I certainly fell into that belief even though I never for one moment wanted any of it to happen. I had just turned 12 years old and I told David I did not want him to do that stuff anymore and it ended but my life as it was going to go had just begun. Between my father's hateful rhetoric, getting drunk and taking it out on me and what David did I know for the most part ruined my life and it makes me madder than hell. I lost my trust in every one that I knew and everyone I was to meet and could not ever form a lasting relationship. Along with becoming disabled and the molestation, I fell into a deep dark abyss of depression that the child should have to suffer with. I think that's all I'm going to write for now except for one thing. I think that any adult that harms a child, sexually or otherwise should may be given the death penalty. Every day in our country 1 in 5 boys under the age of 16 are molested and it absolutely breaks my heart because once it's done that child and never live a normal life again and I feel like that's like killing someone. If anyone here on the forum can relate and wants to post then please do so. And again thanks for the welcome into this forum...
 

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Agent

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Jun 27, 2018
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#2
Hey Doug. I can relate to this situation. My parent even asked at the time as a child if it was going on and I still denied it. Telling anyone about it is hard. Nobody knew about it, until my family life fell apart and teachers got involved. A teacher had to report this incident, almost 10 years after it happened and it was the first time I had to tell people about it. The first time I talked about it and told someone, I had to talk to the police in an interview and I was not the person that reported it. It's incredibly hard to come forward about it, but i'm greatful that there are good people in the world who will help others towards getting the truth out and bringing justice to those who deserve it. That teacher ended up quitting afterwards, it must have been hard to face the truths that haunt people and make them act in a certain way. Pain is a chain reaction and it can effect everyone. Sometimes we withhold the truth because we don't want to hurt others, have them think anything less of us or think that we didn't trust them enough to say anything. The way I see it, trust can be taken away so easily. Trust is hard earned and we would do anything to keep that trust and love, sometimes that means never saying a thing. I haven't thought about it since and am just living my life now. I still struggle with some aspects of my life, but I know i've come a long way. I accept that what happened, happened even though it was unfair. I believe strongly in the judgement of God and that there is a heaven and a hell, and hell is where these sickos will go. I accept that I can't change the past, no matter how painful it is and I stopped dwelling on it. I also believe that God never charges a soul with more than they can handle. The reality is that what happened will never be forgotten, but it shouldn't be given attention anymore. If anything, this experience makes me better, because it shows the reality of the darkness in the world. It makes you a stronger person for what you've been through. You are better not because of it, but despite of it, you live.

God Bless You.
 
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