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Loss of Favorite Person again

Straydog

Straydog

Active member
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
37
Location
Greece
I am without a partner for 10 years now and without close friends for the last 4 years! I used to have two close friends that meant the world to me and we were like sisters to each other. But then they left because of a huge misunderstanding or maybe because they grew to be tired of my bpd and depression relapses.
Since then, i learnt to live by myself and cover my emotional needs by myself and therapy and of course by reminiscing on what we had. True love never ends and they will always hold a special place in my heart.

I avoided making close friends since then and this was fairly easy due to my social anxiety. There were some acquaintances but nothing deep. I explicitly told myself and my therapist that i will never trust anyone again and that this is for the best because i get too clingy and then there is always heartbreak.

But then...after 2 years of talking to a man about common interests and common activities, i finally confided in him about my story back in September. This was very huge for me. He showed compassion, he shared some of his struggles and he tried to be supportive. He really showed that he cared. We kept talking about other stuff as well but since my last depressive episode began in late November, this has been the centre of my attention and for days i withdrew from my other activities. He kept being supportive and he said he wished there was something more he could do. Of course, this was mutual and i supported him too in his everyday struggles.

But i feel like we grew apart in the last 3 weeks and i told him so in the weekend. That i catch myself pushing him away and not knowing how to talk to him because i am afraid i have become a burden and because he doesn't respond as he did. I even asked him what have i done wrong and he doesn't answer. And i reminded him that when i first confided in him, i had asked him to explicitily tell me so if he gets tired and he said he would. And he didn't answer. At all 😭.

I feel heartbroken. I feel like i fell in the trap of trusting someone again but i forgot that my patterns in relationships would lead in the same outcome. And i am stuck here wishing there was a way for him to take back his care and for me to take back my discolure to him.

To make matters worse, i have to interact with him because we are part of the same group and we need one another. The other choice is for me to withdraw from this group once and for all but then i will lose a purpose in my life that lies in this group's activities.

I do not know what to do. I guess my question is how do i stop feeling the way i feel. Should i avoid him altogether? How do i play cool after what i told him and him not replying? How do i stop my feelings?

P.s. he is a very busy person and there is a small chance he didn't reply because he didn't have the time. But even if this abandonment is a perceived and not a real one, it ought to be a lesson for me that i should never have trusted anyone because it is not worth the pain and emotional turmoil. Even if he is really not gone, i feel like i have to put an end to this friendship.

Sorry for the long post. I feel really lost.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
18,462
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
I'd say dont avoid him completely, like if he messages you then you can respond :hug:

Maybe just let him respond when he can? Kinda assume he's busy? :hug:
 
Newstartformetoday

Newstartformetoday

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 11, 2019
Messages
472
Location
Hull
I am without a partner for 10 years now and without close friends for the last 4 years! I used to have two close friends that meant the world to me and we were like sisters to each other. But then they left because of a huge misunderstanding or maybe because they grew to be tired of my bpd and depression relapses.
Since then, i learnt to live by myself and cover my emotional needs by myself and therapy and of course by reminiscing on what we had. True love never ends and they will always hold a special place in my heart.

I avoided making close friends since then and this was fairly easy due to my social anxiety. There were some acquaintances but nothing deep. I explicitly told myself and my therapist that i will never trust anyone again and that this is for the best because i get too clingy and then there is always heartbreak.

But then...after 2 years of talking to a man about common interests and common activities, i finally confided in him about my story back in September. This was very huge for me. He showed compassion, he shared some of his struggles and he tried to be supportive. He really showed that he cared. We kept talking about other stuff as well but since my last depressive episode began in late November, this has been the centre of my attention and for days i withdrew from my other activities. He kept being supportive and he said he wished there was something more he could do. Of course, this was mutual and i supported him too in his everyday struggles.

But i feel like we grew apart in the last 3 weeks and i told him so in the weekend. That i catch myself pushing him away and not knowing how to talk to him because i am afraid i have become a burden and because he doesn't respond as he did. I even asked him what have i done wrong and he doesn't answer. And i reminded him that when i first confided in him, i had asked him to explicitily tell me so if he gets tired and he said he would. And he didn't answer. At all 😭.

I feel heartbroken. I feel like i fell in the trap of trusting someone again but i forgot that my patterns in relationships would lead in the same outcome. And i am stuck here wishing there was a way for him to take back his care and for me to take back my discolure to him.

To make matters worse, i have to interact with him because we are part of the same group and we need one another. The other choice is for me to withdraw from this group once and for all but then i will lose a purpose in my life that lies in this group's activities.

I do not know what to do. I guess my question is how do i stop feeling the way i feel. Should i avoid him altogether? How do i play cool after what i told him and him not replying? How do i stop my feelings?

P.s. he is a very busy person and there is a small chance he didn't reply because he didn't have the time. But even if this abandonment is a perceived and not a real one, it ought to be a lesson for me that i should never have trusted anyone because it is not worth the pain and emotional turmoil. Even if he is really not gone, i feel like i have to put an end to this friendship.

Sorry for the long post. I feel really lost.
Can I ask if you have suffered any abandonment in the past?
 
Straydog

Straydog

Active member
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
37
Location
Greece
Can I ask if you have suffered any abandonment in the past?

Yes, i have. I always feared it and it did happen. And i was a mess for a long time dealing with that loss.

I'll try to give him the benefit of the doubt. From your replies, i feel like realistically i might be overreacting to this. But it is impossible for me to react in a different way when i feel like my heart is broken. I don't know if that makes sense.
 
Newstartformetoday

Newstartformetoday

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 11, 2019
Messages
472
Location
Hull
Yes, i have. I always feared it and it did happen. And i was a mess for a long time dealing with that loss.

I'll try to give him the benefit of the doubt. From your replies, i feel like realistically i might be overreacting to this. But it is impossible for me to react in a different way when i feel like my heart is broken. I don't know if that makes sense.
More than you would know, I’ve been unable to maintain a relationship as my spiritual demands (calls, texts and courtesy) are never met and because I’ve suffered abandonment from a young age I struggle to either get to close or that I get to close and struggle to detach. I wish that it was possible for people to understand that many with any gor of mental illness will love on a higher ground and with double the passion and commitment to the cause than those without. Our senses are heightened and so are our feelings, this makes us live either on peak or troff

I hope it works out and it’s just time or confusion.... and if it does (I’m sure it will) can you keep us all informed so we can steal a bit of your light to guide us forward in our dark relationship times 🙏

🕊🕊
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,800
Location
London, ON
It makes sense, but that's flawed thinking.

You're right, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, your lack of trust sabotages relationships.

I had a "favourite person" that turned on my a couple years ago. It was a similar situation, because I started to get nervous about how much I dependd on them for my good moods, etc. When I told her I needed to back off a bit, and get control of my own moods, she snapped. Probably because her issues were similar to mine.

My point is that you know how yu feel, and why you acted like you did - but you don't know his headspace. You don't know how your actions make him feel, really.

Honestly - I think there's something important in the way you talk about blame and trust, but my head is too fuzzy today for me to pick it out. Something about "falling into the trap".

I dunno. I think the trap is accepting the maladjusted trust issues as something to indulge, instead of trying to relax your standards. I think.
 
Straydog

Straydog

Active member
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
37
Location
Greece
More than you would know, I’ve been unable to maintain a relationship as my spiritual demands (calls, texts and courtesy) are never met and because I’ve suffered abandonment from a young age I struggle to either get to close or that I get to close and struggle to detach. I wish that it was possible for people to understand that many with any gor of mental illness will love on a higher ground and with double the passion and commitment to the cause than those without. Our senses are heightened and so are our feelings, this makes us live either on peak or troff

I hope it works out and it’s just time or confusion.... and if it does (I’m sure it will) can you keep us all informed so we can steal a bit of your light to guide us forward in our dark relationship times 🙏

🕊🕊

I definitely will keep you updated. Thanks for your message. It gave me hope that i am not the only seeing the situation like that. We indeed commit more than other people and indeed that might scare someone away. I didn't believe i could get so much understanding and support here. Thank you all. 🙂🙂
 
Straydog

Straydog

Active member
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
37
Location
Greece
It makes sense, but that's flawed thinking.

You're right, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, your lack of trust sabotages relationships.

I had a "favourite person" that turned on my a couple years ago. It was a similar situation, because I started to get nervous about how much I dependd on them for my good moods, etc. When I told her I needed to back off a bit, and get control of my own moods, she snapped. Probably because her issues were similar to mine.

My point is that you know how yu feel, and why you acted like you did - but you don't know his headspace. You don't know how your actions make him feel, really.

Honestly - I think there's something important in the way you talk about blame and trust, but my head is too fuzzy today for me to pick it out. Something about "falling into the trap".

I dunno. I think the trap is accepting the maladjusted trust issues as something to indulge, instead of trying to relax your standards. I think.
This is very insightful. I hope i knew of a way to lower my standards instead of putting him in the position to regulate my emotions in this hard time. But i don't know how to do that. When he didn't reply, it is like my world fell apart and felt like when other people have left me. Giving him the benefit of the doubt doesn't lower the intensity of my feelings. But you are right... i do not know his headspace.
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,169
I am without a partner for 10 years now and without close friends for the last 4 years! I used to have two close friends that meant the world to me and we were like sisters to each other. But then they left because of a huge misunderstanding or maybe because they grew to be tired of my bpd and depression relapses.
Since then, i learnt to live by myself and cover my emotional needs by myself and therapy and of course by reminiscing on what we had. True love never ends and they will always hold a special place in my heart.

I avoided making close friends since then and this was fairly easy due to my social anxiety. There were some acquaintances but nothing deep. I explicitly told myself and my therapist that i will never trust anyone again and that this is for the best because i get too clingy and then there is always heartbreak.

But then...after 2 years of talking to a man about common interests and common activities, i finally confided in him about my story back in September. This was very huge for me. He showed compassion, he shared some of his struggles and he tried to be supportive. He really showed that he cared. We kept talking about other stuff as well but since my last depressive episode began in late November, this has been the centre of my attention and for days i withdrew from my other activities. He kept being supportive and he said he wished there was something more he could do. Of course, this was mutual and i supported him too in his everyday struggles.

But i feel like we grew apart in the last 3 weeks and i told him so in the weekend. That i catch myself pushing him away and not knowing how to talk to him because i am afraid i have become a burden and because he doesn't respond as he did. I even asked him what have i done wrong and he doesn't answer. And i reminded him that when i first confided in him, i had asked him to explicitily tell me so if he gets tired and he said he would. And he didn't answer. At all 😭.

I feel heartbroken. I feel like i fell in the trap of trusting someone again but i forgot that my patterns in relationships would lead in the same outcome. And i am stuck here wishing there was a way for him to take back his care and for me to take back my discolure to him.

To make matters worse, i have to interact with him because we are part of the same group and we need one another. The other choice is for me to withdraw from this group once and for all but then i will lose a purpose in my life that lies in this group's activities.

I do not know what to do. I guess my question is how do i stop feeling the way i feel. Should i avoid him altogether? How do i play cool after what i told him and him not replying? How do i stop my feelings?

P.s. he is a very busy person and there is a small chance he didn't reply because he didn't have the time. But even if this abandonment is a perceived and not a real one, it ought to be a lesson for me that i should never have trusted anyone because it is not worth the pain and emotional turmoil. Even if he is really not gone, i feel like i have to put an end to this friendship.

Sorry for the long post. I feel really lost.
It’s probably a good idea to put ‘favourite person’ in your search box on this forum and see what others have been through. I would also do a Google search on FP and educate yourself on the pros and cons of having one. I myself have recently posted on this subject for advice. What I discovered is that Favourite People are yet another self destructive coping strategy that will never end well. For me, it was worth riding the emotional wave of pain and terminating the relationship. The pain will be temporary and you will have far less suffering I’m the future. Post again if you have any questions.
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,169
I am without a partner for 10 years now and without close friends for the last 4 years! I used to have two close friends that meant the world to me and we were like sisters to each other. But then they left because of a huge misunderstanding or maybe because they grew to be tired of my bpd and depression relapses.
Since then, i learnt to live by myself and cover my emotional needs by myself and therapy and of course by reminiscing on what we had. True love never ends and they will always hold a special place in my heart.

I avoided making close friends since then and this was fairly easy due to my social anxiety. There were some acquaintances but nothing deep. I explicitly told myself and my therapist that i will never trust anyone again and that this is for the best because i get too clingy and then there is always heartbreak.

But then...after 2 years of talking to a man about common interests and common activities, i finally confided in him about my story back in September. This was very huge for me. He showed compassion, he shared some of his struggles and he tried to be supportive. He really showed that he cared. We kept talking about other stuff as well but since my last depressive episode began in late November, this has been the centre of my attention and for days i withdrew from my other activities. He kept being supportive and he said he wished there was something more he could do. Of course, this was mutual and i supported him too in his everyday struggles.

But i feel like we grew apart in the last 3 weeks and i told him so in the weekend. That i catch myself pushing him away and not knowing how to talk to him because i am afraid i have become a burden and because he doesn't respond as he did. I even asked him what have i done wrong and he doesn't answer. And i reminded him that when i first confided in him, i had asked him to explicitily tell me so if he gets tired and he said he would. And he didn't answer. At all 😭.

I feel heartbroken. I feel like i fell in the trap of trusting someone again but i forgot that my patterns in relationships would lead in the same outcome. And i am stuck here wishing there was a way for him to take back his care and for me to take back my discolure to him.

To make matters worse, i have to interact with him because we are part of the same group and we need one another. The other choice is for me to withdraw from this group once and for all but then i will lose a purpose in my life that lies in this group's activities.

I do not know what to do. I guess my question is how do i stop feeling the way i feel. Should i avoid him altogether? How do i play cool after what i told him and him not replying? How do i stop my feelings?

P.s. he is a very busy person and there is a small chance he didn't reply because he didn't have the time. But even if this abandonment is a perceived and not a real one, it ought to be a lesson for me that i should never have trusted anyone because it is not worth the pain and emotional turmoil. Even if he is really not gone, i feel like i have to put an end to this friendship.

Sorry for the long post. I feel really lost.
I think a book called Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler would help you in understanding yourself a lot better. It certainly helped me overcome it.
 
Straydog

Straydog

Active member
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
37
Location
Greece
I think a book called Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler would help you in understanding yourself a lot better. It certainly helped me overcome it.
Thanks for the suggestion. I ll definitely look it up.
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,169
Thanks for the suggestion. I ll definitely look it up.
I think you’ll enjoy reading it. Covers Anxiety self consciousness bullying abandonment and how to manage social interaction so they become less threatening to you. Any questions just ask me.
 
Straydog

Straydog

Active member
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
37
Location
Greece
More than you would know, I’ve been unable to maintain a relationship as my spiritual demands (calls, texts and courtesy) are never met and because I’ve suffered abandonment from a young age I struggle to either get to close or that I get to close and struggle to detach. I wish that it was possible for people to understand that many with any gor of mental illness will love on a higher ground and with double the passion and commitment to the cause than those without. Our senses are heightened and so are our feelings, this makes us live either on peak or troff

I hope it works out and it’s just time or confusion.... and if it does (I’m sure it will) can you keep us all informed so we can steal a bit of your light to guide us forward in our dark relationship times 🙏

🕊🕊
He finally replied. Too many things have been going on his life the last weekend and he was exhausted to even write a response. He said he is sorry that he made me sad. Which i valued wholeheartedly.

I told him the truth about thinking he left me and that his response was like an elephant was just lifted from my chest and i can breathe again:loveshower:

I literally feel like throwing a party. Lol

I have to be much more careful in the future to how much i let myself bond with him because this weekend has been a nightmare and if he ever leaves, i don't want to go through that again.

Maybe i'll try to share trivial stuff and support him in his things. I don't know if that will work but i will definitely try.


:thanks: all so much for your support. I couldn't have done it without you! You helped me put things into perspective when there was no light for me. :grouphug:
 
Newstartformetoday

Newstartformetoday

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 11, 2019
Messages
472
Location
Hull
He finally replied. Too many things have been going on his life the last weekend and he was exhausted to even write a response. He said he is sorry that he made me sad. Which i valued wholeheartedly.

I told him the truth about thinking he left me and that his response was like an elephant was just lifted from my chest and i can breathe again:loveshower:

I literally feel like throwing a party. Lol

I have to be much more careful in the future to how much i let myself bond with him because this weekend has been a nightmare and if he ever leaves, i don't want to go through that again.

Maybe i'll try to share trivial stuff and support him in his things. I don't know if that will work but i will definitely try.


:thanks: all so much for your support. I couldn't have done it without you! You helped me put things into perspective when there was no light for me. :grouphug:
I love a happy ending 🕊🕊

hope for us all 😉
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,169
He finally replied. Too many things have been going on his life the last weekend and he was exhausted to even write a response. He said he is sorry that he made me sad. Which i valued wholeheartedly.

I told him the truth about thinking he left me and that his response was like an elephant was just lifted from my chest and i can breathe again:loveshower:

I literally feel like throwing a party. Lol

I have to be much more careful in the future to how much i let myself bond with him because this weekend has been a nightmare and if he ever leaves, i don't want to go through that again.

Maybe i'll try to share trivial stuff and support him in his things. I don't know if that will work but i will definitely try.


:thanks: all so much for your support. I couldn't have done it without you! You helped me put things into perspective when there was no light for me. :grouphug:
Just be careful. Thinking with feelings and emotions can be very painful. If you can have just friendship and support then good luck to you.
 
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