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Losing the will to keep fighting

aoi89

aoi89

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
13
First of all, if I don't reply directly to your replies on here, that doesn't mean I haven't read and appreciated it. Everything is appreciated and I don't do ignoring. Just so you know. :)

But anyway, I'm in my late 20s and I've had clinical depression for twelve years, as well as generalised anxiety disorder, but it's not as bad as it was. After a fairly tumultuous five years involving migraines, gallstones, mystery episodes of dizziness and vomiting, a major operation that left me incapacitated for months and several other hospital admissions, I've finally managed to settle down in a decent job, which doesn't pay that well but is quite interesting and lets me sit at a chair most of the time (I've got flat feet and standing up for long periods of time can be sore). I'm lucky enough to be seeing a psychologist, who I've been seeing for about 5 months, but my approved sessions will be expiring shortly. I'm also lucky to have a partner who supports me and is generally lovely, and I don't know what I'd do without him.

But... I've been off work for various ailments on around 5 (short) occasions during the last 6 months, and I feel like I can't keep up. I've got another condition that saps my energy, as well as a digestive condition, migraines, depression and the weird undiagnosed dizziness / fuzziness. I thought I was overcoming depression for the umpteenth time recently, but even more recently I've been slipping back into it again and I'm fed up. I'm on leave today (not illness-related) and I've got a hospital appointment later today, and I'm dreading leaving the house. The weather's horrible out, but that's not why. I don't want to see anyone. I barely want to move. I'm back at work tomorrow, and the thought is making me sick. It's not that the job's bad; it's inside my head that's the problem. The company has a really rigid and immovable stance on illness, which I realise is quite normal, but I wish it wasn't so. I'd like to reduce the amount I work, but I can't without risking my job, and without making my colleagues annoyed at me. They're good people but I feel they don't understand.

What's more, the voices in my head keep swearing at me and insulting me, and I want to drink to keep them quiet. But I know drinking's not helping my depression. I've tried techniques that my psychologist has suggested, and it's like the bad feelings and voices keep breaking through my invisible barriers... but if I tell the psychologist, I'm scared she'll think I'm not making an effort. I am making an effort, but... I'm fed up of this stupid Sisyphean ritual of fighting against a depression that doesn't want to budge.

To summarise: I feel pathetic and I hate it. I just want it to stop.
 
G

Grumpygirl

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
13
I don't know what to suggest but I hope you find a way through this.
 
aoi89

aoi89

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
13
Thanks, folks. I had a bit of a difficult day today (long and tiring) and I was really starting to panic about work. It's bad enough having gaps between your employment, but if I can't manage this (and I was really thinking I couldn't this morning), I'll have another one, and then where will I be? What can I even do? I don't feel strong enough to change jobs or go back to university at the moment, but I don't want to get in trouble at my current job... :sorry:

The voices have been a bit quieter today, but one of them was telling me to... am I allowed to say it on here? End things, basically. I was able to shrug it off but I feel like each one has a gradual effect on me.
 
aoi89

aoi89

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
13
It's Sunday, and today's been a bit of a downer. It's not even like I've had to do anything, but my mind keeps reacting to everything in negative ways and I just want to stay under the duvet.

I'm really hoping this isn't going to be another long depressive episode... and I don't want to have to change my medication again. Apologies for whining, but I'm in that sort of mood.

Thanks for the welcome, by the way. :)
 
J

johnathon84

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2015
Messages
51
Hey aoi89. Welcome to the forum from a noobie myself. Have you considered taking long term sick leave from your place of work at all?. Im about to to do the same thing with a GP appointment this coming Tuesday. I like yourself was worried about what work would think at first but at the end of the day your health is your number one prirority and if that means taking time away that is whats best. If work cant understand that then they are not worthy of your worry. This is something i have come to realise myself over the past number of days.

When i get signed off this week im not planning to return at all as it is in my best interests to which a number of months down the line i will be dismissed on ill health grounds. In my case it is the workplace that is bringing me panic attacks every day and my poor mental health in general. Obviously this route is not best fro everyone and by no means am i suggesting this for yourself. Sorry to be so upfront i just know what youre going through. I was wondering if you thought about sick leave at all?. I hope youre feeling better soon and if i can help in anyway please let me know :)
 
aoi89

aoi89

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
13
Hey aoi89. Welcome to the forum from a noobie myself. Have you considered taking long term sick leave from your place of work at all?. Im about to to do the same thing with a GP appointment this coming Tuesday. I like yourself was worried about what work would think at first but at the end of the day your health is your number one prirority and if that means taking time away that is whats best. If work cant understand that then they are not worthy of your worry. This is something i have come to realise myself over the past number of days.

When i get signed off this week im not planning to return at all as it is in my best interests to which a number of months down the line i will be dismissed on ill health grounds. In my case it is the workplace that is bringing me panic attacks every day and my poor mental health in general. Obviously this route is not best fro everyone and by no means am i suggesting this for yourself. Sorry to be so upfront i just know what youre going through. I was wondering if you thought about sick leave at all?. I hope youre feeling better soon and if i can help in anyway please let me know :)
Hi Johnathon,
Thanks for the welcome. I've thought about taking sick leave for my depression, but the problem is, I've been off several occasions already for other things (both chronic conditions and short-term infections) and I'm already on a warning for it. I'm scared of losing my income, as I'm only entitled to a small amount of benefit that wouldn't even cover my part of the bills... I don't feel like there's any option but to plough on, even though I'll probably not do very well. It scares me, to be honest, but I don't feel like I can do anything else.

Thanks for your offer, too - I hope things go a bit better for you soon; it sounds like you're pretty stressed out and ill. Best of luck; I know it's not easy...
 
J

johnathon84

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2015
Messages
51
aoi89 i understand completley what you mean.Even with a warning if you were to take time off sick, they would have to look at lightening your duties or offering you reduced hours before they could get rid of you so there are guidelines that they would have to follow. I understand how you mean financially and as i said earlier what is best for one person may not necessarily be the case for others. Me i have weighed my options and as i still live at home and only need to pay for small bills and food etc i know im ok on ssp or even ESA futher down the line but i do understand your concerns financially. Thank you aoi, i am feeling teriible at the moment and time to myself is exactly what i need. Wth being away from the workplace for a while though i will be on here most of the time to offer any tips or help when needed please dont hesitate to get in touch with myself or other members of the forum for any help. Were all in this together and here to support one another.
 
aoi89

aoi89

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
13
On Monday afternoon, I went to the doctor’s about my depression worsening. I’d been at work, and I’d been struggling to get through it. When I saw the doctor, I told her I’d try to keep working, and I thought I might be able to do it.

But yesterday morning, I just gave up. I woke up at about 7am, and I just couldn’t do it. I was lying there for about 45 minutes, and instead of my usual argument with the voices in my head about what it’d be like at work, I just felt completely lacking in energy, enthusiasm and everything else. I somehow gathered the energy to go to the living room and wrote an email to my boss, explaining that I wouldn’t be at work and that I was going to resign. My boyfriend managed to talk me out of it and I just explained that I wouldn’t be at work instead. I still had to phone the sick line, which was draining, even though it was just a short phone call to one of the managers. I tried listening to music afterwards, but it brought me down and reminded me of the outside world. The internet in general felt the same. I just ended up going back to bed until midday, when I decided I needed to book an urgent appointment with the doctor to get a sick note.

I found it difficult to leave the house yesterday to go to my appointment, but I did, although I just wanted to hide away from everyone when I was on the way there. The doctor was sympathetic and signed me off for 2 weeks, and I’ve got another appointment at the end of that period with the doctor I saw on Monday to discuss an action plan. I’ve been given the number of the local crisis team and I know where to go if I need extra help.

As for today, not much has changed. I couldn’t sleep properly last night so I’ve been up since 4am; I’ve not showered in over a week, so I look like a tramp; I can’t stop the voices that tell me how pathetic I am, and everything hurts. The skin condition I’ve got has flared up and the lower half of my face, my neck, my hands and the backs of my legs are flaky and inflamed; I’ve got a headache; my abdomen is sore; my arms are sore; my fingers are sore; the list goes on. I’m also dizzy and feel like I can’t balance. I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t know what will happen when I have to go back to work. Everyone will be pissed off with me, no doubt. I’ll see. I don’t know why I bother with all this.

I’m not sure why I’m posting this, either. Thanks for reading, anyway.
 
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