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Losing my best friend to BPD

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Sandler123

Member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Pennsylvania
I saw Amy last night. She was all hugs, even teared up a little but didn’t really want to express why. And thats ok, because i know that it’s very hard for her to express difficult emotions. At one point she avoided me when we were alone together, but i didn’t take it personally and just went about my own business. I didn’t know if she wanted me to be near her so I just let her be. But For a few hours I saw her- my friend. And while I was guarded A bit at first, and she knew it, we just took our time and respected each other’s space. She mentioned that she was going to have a stressful weekend and I’m not sure if I should check in on her or let her be. I don’t want to push or to trigger if she is already stressed.
 
Shiroki

Shiroki

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
304
Location
United States
I saw Amy last night. She was all hugs, even teared up a little but didn’t really want to express why. And thats ok, because i know that it’s very hard for her to express difficult emotions. At one point she avoided me when we were alone together, but i didn’t take it personally and just went about my own business. I didn’t know if she wanted me to be near her so I just let her be. But For a few hours I saw her- my friend. And while I was guarded A bit at first, and she knew it, we just took our time and respected each other’s space. She mentioned that she was going to have a stressful weekend and I’m not sure if I should check in on her or let her be. I don’t want to push or to trigger if she is already stressed.
Sounds like you’re doing great. Maybe just drop her a text to say you are there if she needs an ear? Definitely wait for more input, your situation is complicated and I don’t want to mess anything up for you by offering poor advice.
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,416
Location
USA
Aww I’m glad you saw her. I’m sure you both miss each other a lot. I’d just send a text during the weekend like “hope everything’s going okay, thinking of you” or even just like “it was so good to see you the other day” or something. I don’t think you should fear pushing her by being sweet. She cares about you, she’ll appreciate your support.
 
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Sandler123

Member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Pennsylvania
I was out my husband last night and put my phone away. She dropped a bomb on our group text. I think she had been drinking. It was a bizarre and impulsive decision and made at least my head explode. No one responded to it at all. I don’t think anyone knew how to. I didn’t see it until much later and it was late at night. Too late to respond. Today people have been talking like normal and she isn’t involved at all. It’s like she is sulking. I’m letting her be. Something doesn’t feel right. I’m sure she feels unsupported in her decision, but I couldn’t support It anyway. Also, it’s not my business. Are having or engaging in impulsive, life changing decisions, part of BPD?
 
Shiroki

Shiroki

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Dec 24, 2019
Messages
304
Location
United States
I was out my husband last night and put my phone away. She dropped a bomb on our group text. I think she had been drinking. It was a bizarre and impulsive decision and made at least my head explode. No one responded to it at all. I don’t think anyone knew how to. I didn’t see it until much later and it was late at night. Too late to respond. Today people have been talking like normal and she isn’t involved at all. It’s like she is sulking. I’m letting her be. Something doesn’t feel right. I’m sure she feels unsupported in her decision, but I couldn’t support It anyway. Also, it’s not my business. Are having or engaging in impulsive, life changing decisions, part of BPD?
Very, and you were right not to engage, as it may be just a chaotic thought she ran away with. Just keep focusing on protecting yourself best you can without kicking her while she’s down. You did nothing wrong. We bpd are very hard people to deal with in relationships of any kind.
 
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Sandler123

Member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Pennsylvania
Sigh. Push pull up down left right. That’s what being her friend feels like. I’m trying to keep in mind what folks have said, there is no room in her chaos for my pain, I try and be supportive and not let her actions personally, I need to take care of myself. The last one is the most important.
Monday was good. We were friends. Tuesday was good. We were friends. Until last night, I reached out just to say happy new year. Her response cold. Last New Years we were at a party together. We had so much fun. Our kids played and slept over. In the morning we had a big breakfast all together. I miss her. I miss that day. I wonder if she remembers it at all.
Today she has disappeared again. I’m letting Amy be today. I do wonder if she is ok, but I know better than to push.
 
Shiroki

Shiroki

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
304
Location
United States
Sigh. Push pull up down left right. That’s what being her friend feels like. I’m trying to keep in mind what folks have said, there is no room in her chaos for my pain, I try and be supportive and not let her actions personally, I need to take care of myself. The last one is the most important.
Monday was good. We were friends. Tuesday was good. We were friends. Until last night, I reached out just to say happy new year. Her response cold. Last New Years we were at a party together. We had so much fun. Our kids played and slept over. In the morning we had a big breakfast all together. I miss her. I miss that day. I wonder if she remembers it at all.
Today she has disappeared again. I’m letting Amy be today. I do wonder if she is ok, but I know better than to push.
The last one was the most important because you really have to. Look, the problem with us bpd is there is no magic “cure” or medicine that fixes us or therapist to take all our problems away. Yes we can have meds that help certain aspects, but bpd is largely a personality disorder, not just an illness. Which means at the end of the day? The only one who can fix her is her. She has to reprogram her thoughts, just as I struggle to do these days. She has to want to change and recognize her toxicity. If none of that even occurs to her, then her chaos is just going to grow and get more detrimental. You can love her and be supportive, but you have your own dang needs that are no less important than hers, and she will make you feel like that’s false. So do what you can to be supportive, but at the end of the day, if you can no longer handle the pain and suffering she causes you? Cut. Her. Off. I have read your posts since the beginning and I care and worry about you. But it’s getting to a point where I think you’re compassion for her is killing you, and I’d hate to see such a strong person as you fall down a darker path.
 
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Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,515
Sigh. Push pull up down left right. That’s what being her friend feels like. I’m trying to keep in mind what folks have said, there is no room in her chaos for my pain, I try and be supportive and not let her actions personally, I need to take care of myself. The last one is the most important.
Monday was good. We were friends. Tuesday was good. We were friends. Until last night, I reached out just to say happy new year. Her response cold. Last New Years we were at a party together. We had so much fun. Our kids played and slept over. In the morning we had a big breakfast all together. I miss her. I miss that day. I wonder if she remembers it at all.
Today she has disappeared again. I’m letting Amy be today. I do wonder if she is ok, but I know better than to push.
it’s heartening to see you learning how to cope in a more healthy way. Let her disappear. You keep just being you.
 
Jleighm

Jleighm

Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2020
Messages
23
Location
Canada
I miss my best friend. For anonymity purposes, we will call her Amy. Any and I have been friends for years, but in the past year and a half have become very close. She was my other half (besides my spouse). Complete opposite of me but we respected and cared for each other a great deal. We have taken care of each other’s kids and we a have shared so much. In July of this year she allowed her abusive father back into her life. For years she had told me about the things he used to do to her and her siblings. Her mother also abandoned the family when she was a pre teen. And she was left to live with this man and protect her you g siblings. She said that her father had terminated al cancer and that she was the only one who could care for him. As time went on, she started to change. For awhile she was isolating herself and she wouldn’t return calls or texts or when I would see her she would look right through me as if I didn’t exist. And then things started to get better and then all of a sudden it was like a light switch flipped and she would attack me out of no where. Vicious verbal attacks. In the years that I have known her, I have never seen her like this. She apologized once. Telling me that she was “broken”, “all of a sudden very lost”, and that she needed help. She also admitted to me that she had been secretly drinking heavily and believed she had a drinking problem. I helped her find a therapist and some outpatient rehab locations and I think she was going for sometime. By the time October came around, I would reach out and sometimes it would be the old her and then one night she became so out of line with me. Telling me she wished she never knew me, that I was controlling her and she wouldn’t allow it, that I ruined her life and a ton of other very hurtful statements. I was beyond shocked, hurt and betrayed. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and depression and it sent me in a tail spin. I told her I needed break from our friendship because for 3 months all she had done was attack me and I couldn’t handle it anymore. After that she fell apart. When i would see her, she would ignore me most of the time. Then one day out of the blue she started talking to me again and we started to reconnect, but I was still guarded. And then an attack happened again recently. She accused me of talking about her and sharing all her secrets and that I am secretly setting up to destroy her. All because I was talking to the “wrong or bad” people. The same people she had been talking to only days before. I asked her if she wanted to talk in person and she refused and instead sent me a very long, untrue and insulting email. Accusing me of things that called into question my integrity and character. This time I responded by simply telling her what she was saying was not true. She asked me to leave her alone, so I did. But then she sent me a text in the middle of the night. I responded simply and she disappeared again. In this time I found out what BPD is. And my beautiful friend is borderline. It’s not her fault. Her trauma is deep and I recognize that. I want to support her the best I can but I don’t want to be in her crosshairs. What do I do? I feel like she is pushing me away but at the same time doesn’t want me to leave. I’m so confused. I miss my best friend so much. But I don’t know who this woman is. Is she even still there?
I can understand where she is coming from in a sense as I also have borderline. If you look up border line it is linked with the I hate you-dont leave me.. which makes so much sense. As someone with borderline I go threw phases where I love someone so much to all of a sudden feeling anger towards them for no reason. I often will shut myself off completely from my loved ones. I think I do this because of my fear or abandonment.. if I distance myself it wont hurt as much when they leave me. Its sounds like your friend may also be afriad of abandonment from what she has gone threw.
My advice is to be a positive person in her life, if she is acting distant let her be by herself. When she comes back be there for her. Shes lucky to have someone who cares so much and I'm sure she knows that. Hope this helps a little 💕
 
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Sandler123

Member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Pennsylvania
I’ve been replaced. I guess that’s ok. She has a new “favorite person” that she constantly talks about and idolizes. I know in my head what will happen, because it happened to me. Something will trigger and the new FP will be demonized. I thought long and hard about Amy’s past. She has had a lot of FPs. In away I wish I could warn this new woman, tell her that she’s fragile, volatile, wonderful but being in her life can be scary and to please not hurt her. I won’t lie. I’m hurt and a little jealous. I feel like Amy is flaunting her new FP in my face too. I’m doing my best not to take it personally or even react. Part of me though is glad almost relieved. It takes the weight off my shoulders- but still sad. It’s a whole bunch of feelings at the same time. Maybe I’m mourning.

Amy and I are still getting along. We don’t text much anymore - probably because her attention is focused elsewhere now - but when we see each other we are friendly. I do miss her.

To make matters a little more stressed, I found out while I was dealing with Amy and my feelings at ground zero - I recently found out that her last split had collateral damage. She texted and emailed some awful hurtful things to some of our coworkers that she sees as very “black”. She doesn’t know that I know this. Frankly, I’m stunned that she did this. I know that management is meeting with her and she “can’t imagine why”. I know I can’t tell her why. It will
just make things worse. And it’s not my business.

I continue to take things day by day with her. I don’t push. I let her be. I’ve stopped checking in on her. She stopped responding when I did. If we are meant to continue to be friends, we will be. And I know I will have done everything in my power to show her how much I have care.
 
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Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,515
You’ve been a very brave and decent friend, if she doesn’t thank you, let me. Thank you.
 
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