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Losing my best friend to BPD

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Sandler123

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Dec 24, 2019
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And I am very
I'm stuck in a similar situation as your friend. My abuser had brain cancer and rebounded so many times, they called it a miracle, too. It still didn’t change the daily onslaught of abuse, which grew more violent as the tumour took over.

I stayed and took care of her because that is what I was programmed to do, to ignore my own pain and be engulfed by hers. If my father had been capable beyond juvenile and terrified response, I might have found a way to get some distance. But he was weak from years of being on the bad end of her temper, and there was nobody else.

I started to untangle, revert to those feelings of self loathing, always on the verge of being suicidal or a breakdown. And it was because I was trapped, I had no choice. There was nobody else.

Unless you are a child of abuse, it’s hard to explain. You tend to put yourself last, when what you need is a support network that puts you first. Only you have so little self esteem, so little sense of self that you are either afraid to ask, because you feel so unstable, or you don’t feel you deserve it.

Nobody should be anyone’s sounding board for abuse. Boundaries are important. But understand from a bpd perspective, our greatest fear is abandonment, to hysterical non-rational levels, and setting those boundaries without giving full context will likely create a trigger.

I recognize what your friend is going through, because I lived it. And the abuser will typically leverage their control in all kinds of atrocious manners.
I am very sorry for what you went through. You are strong to be able to talk about it and resilient for working on your trauma. Thank you for your advice here. I really do appreciate it.
 
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Girl interupted

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I know I don’t want to leave her. I know I can’t fix her or anything like that. I know she needs support and love. She has virtually no one because of her BPD. How do I tell her this? The last time I did, she was in the middle of a split and she told me that she wanted me to leave her alone. Do I just keep saying it, I love you and I’m not going to abandon you? And when I say boundaries, since she only attacks via text or email (in person she shuts down) do I not respond? Do I point it out? Politely end the conversation?
It will take a heck of a lot of strength on your part, but yes.

Tell her you love her.

She yells? Just respond with I love you and I'm here for you.

If someone is screaming expletives and the other person keeps steady and responds with I love you, that will knock the wind out of the anger.

When she comes out of her fog she will remember your strength. And your words. And your kindness.

And you absolutely have a right to tell her no more texts like this ... but try the I love you at least twice, then shut off your phone for the night.
 
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Girl interupted

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Can't perpetuate the fight with only one person fighting kind of thing.
 
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Girl interupted

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And I am very

I am very sorry for what you went through. You are strong to be able to talk about it and resilient for working on your trauma. Thank you for your advice here. I really do appreciate it.
Lol years of time with a good therapist :)
 
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Sandler123

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Location
Pennsylvania
It will take a heck of a lot of strength on your part, but yes.

Tell her you love her.

She yells? Just respond with I love you and I'm here for you.

If someone is screaming expletives and the other person keeps steady and responds with I love you, that will knock the wind out of the anger.

When she comes out of her fog she will remember your strength. And your words. And your kindness.

And you absolutely have a right to tell her no more texts like this ... but try the I love you at least twice, then shut off your phone for the night.
I will try. That’s all I can do.
 
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Sandler123

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Amy texted me last night. Told me she is quitting the side job we both work at. She and her family decided this. I responded kindly, told her she needs to do what is best for her and her family and that I would miss seeing her immensely. She started an attack. I told her I loved her and that I just want her to be happy. I don’t know what to make of her response, “I found my answer.” I don’t know if she was looking for me to beg her to stay or what. I truly do want her to be happy. She disappeared again.
 
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Shiroki

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Amy texted me last night. Told me she is quitting the side job we both work at. She and her family decided this. I responded kindly, told her she needs to do what is best for her and her family and that I would miss seeing her immensely. She started an attack. I told her I loved her and that I just want her to be happy. I don’t know what to make of her response, “I found my answer.” I don’t know if she was looking for me to beg her to stay or what. I truly do want her to be happy. She disappeared again.
You did the best you could. Don’t be surprised if this is not the last you hear from her, just try to keep doing what you can.
 
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EstherRose94

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All of this makes a lot of sense. And thank you because it gives me some perspective. I love and care for her a lot. I know she doesn’t think she is love able and that isn’t her fault either. I should also mention that we have the same circle of friends and work a part time job together. It’s very hard to cut her off because i feel like i would be cutting everyone else off and then there would be a lot of questions and i am a firm believer in not sharing other people’s business. So I’m not sure how i would respond. She still engages me in group texts and those go fairly well. Then she disappears. Sometimes she will text me late at night - a song i might like or how she needs to quit her job. If i am still up and engage, she shuts down, but most of the time i am asleep when she does it. I don’t know if she is drunk or sober when she texts me so late. But without a doubt, one day she hates me, the next day doesn’t seem to want to let me go. Last night, she texted me telling me she needs to leave her job so she can concentrate on getting her life back together and getting back to her old self.

As for her father, I don’t understand why she has allowed her father back into her life, but it’s becoming clear that it is something I may never fully understand. I don’t understand why her husband has allowed it either. She has children. I’ve met this man. She has told me horrifying stories. She told me originally that her father said he was terminal in July/August with only months to live. At Thanksgiving, she told me (when she randomly texts in the middle of the night) that he was suddenly cured. His doctor had never seen such a recovery. He told her it was because she allowed them to reconnect. That was the reason he was better and then she wondered why she has such trust issues because she knows that it can’t be true. But again, this isn’t for me to deal with. It’s for a professional.

I think I just need to figure out if I want to stay or go. And if i stay, how to have boundaries but love and support her as much as I can. I need to also have my own life and take care of myself.
Ugh oh gosh yeah he’s trying to manipulate her. She’s torn because that’s still her dad and she wants to trust him even if she knows logically she shouldn’t. I mean that’s a LOT of pressure to be like hey I’m not dying anymore because you saved me. And like obviously he was never dying but at the same time she wants to believe he’s right.

she’s “splitting” on you. You can read about splitting in BPD. she loves you, she wants you close to her, but if you’re right then her dad is wrong and evil and hurting her. She has to live with him. Sometimes it feels better to believe him. But then her old self (and you) are wrong and horrible. I’m sure she knows the truth is the former by the way it’s just that every once in a while the latter sneaks in and she acts on it.

you do have to look out for you but just know she doesn’t hate you. She’s being brainwashed by her dad essentially but SHE has to be the one to decide to move him into a home or something. Hopefully her husband is seeing all of this too.
 
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EstherRose94

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Or you know now that’s he’s miraculously cured maybe he can just go back to his home?

I think she is somehow like wanting to fight with you to let out her anger too. anger is easier to feel than sadness or fear and she probably has a ton of emotions to release.

just don’t take anything personally you’re being a wonderful friend.
 
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Girl interupted

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Amy texted me last night. Told me she is quitting the side job we both work at. She and her family decided this. I responded kindly, told her she needs to do what is best for her and her family and that I would miss seeing her immensely. She started an attack. I told her I loved her and that I just want her to be happy. I don’t know what to make of her response, “I found my answer.” I don’t know if she was looking for me to beg her to stay or what. I truly do want her to be happy. She disappeared again.
shut off your phone for the night and realize this has nothing to do with you.

start tomorrow fresh, like it didn’t happen.just be consistent ... and patient.

for my part, know that I’m sorry you are going through this.

but she is mentally ill, and worse still, trapped, and likely does not even recognize what she’s doing in the moment. But when she’s more calm, she will, and she will beat herself up, and then her dad will “beat” her up too.

its a crappy situation all round.
 
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Girl interupted

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Maybe the best thing you can do is shut your phone off at a certain hour each night and don’t look at it until the morning, when she is sober and able to respond better.
 
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EstherRose94

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That’s a good idea. It’s like a built in security for her too so she can’t drunk- text you, which I’m sure if she could avoid she would like to. Or to tell her “I see your message and we’ll talk in the morning but I’m going to sleep now”.
 
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Girl interupted

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That’s an excellent response Esther.
 
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Sandler123

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All this advice is wonderful. Thank you!!! Her dad doesn’t technically live with them, but he shows up - unexpectedly and unannounced, feigns sick and moves in for a time - sometimes weeks - and then abruptly moves out. Amy has never told me why or the circumstances around him leaving - but he always shows back up and the cycle starts again. It’s heartbreaking and sad, but I need to keep my distance from the situation with her dad directly. That’s for her, her therapist (I think she’s still going) and her husband to deal with. Before he brought this cancer situation into the picture, she had not spoken or seen to him in 5 years. He didn’t even know she had had a third child. Clearly, at some point in the past she saw through his manipulation. I’m hoping she does again some day.

I need to shut my phone off at night. If she catches me before then, then I’ll acknowledge the text, but not engage. Plus, I don’t sleep well when she starts with me at night and that not fair to me.

Taking it one day at a time with her.
 
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EstherRose94

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Sounds like he’s lonely in his old age and decided “I’m dying” might be a good way to get attention.
 
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