Losing friends

[trombone_babe]

Well I think I've done it again, lost what I thought was a really good friend. OK we don't see each other in person now cos he's not playing in the band any more, but we've been chatting online for ages and he's been really supportive. If you've read my other posts you will know that I always seem to need a male confidant, I can't help myself, I get very emotionally involved with them, and I end up losing them by overloading them with total crap (except the last one that died of cancer )

Anyway I've been deliberately trying to take pressure off him by sharing some stuff with other people, and especially on here (and that's been great ). I said that I wanted to meet up with him in person though to have a chat, but he sent me a text saying he was glad I'd been able to go elsewhere, and he can't cope with meeting me in person at the moment.

I've got to the stage where I'm wondering what's left in this friendship. Emotionally I'm very attached to him but he's clearly not interested (and I'm talking just as friends). He is a constant source of upset and frustration to me as I want so much more from him than I can reasonably ask, and what I do ask is being refused. I've let him very, very close to me and to cut ties will be extremely painful, but what's the point in dragging it out?

What do you guys out there think?

 

[bluebell24]

Hi Trombone Babe,

I was just gonna write back to your thread from the other day then I spotted this. I'm really sorry to hear things aren't going as you'd hope; but am lacking in any advice tho hopefully you'll understand why and that it probably wouldn't be worth following anyway!

Will check in to see if anyone has any pearls and see how you're doing.

Bluebell

 

[trombone_babe]

Well, I decided to end the friendship before he hated me forever. I'm really upset right now, crying loads. He told me he couldnt deal with how much I needed to talk to him, I told him I couldnt change the fact I needed him, so I told him I loved him and let him go...

 

[trombone_babe]

Feeling so bad, what's the point any more if I can never form any friendships with men again for fear of the cycle repeating itself yet again. I really really liked this chap yet I poisoned our friendship with my excessive demands and then pushed him away finally to save him having to walk away from me.

What's wrong with me, why does this keep happening? I don't consciously choose to feel so strongly for that one person, it just happens and I can't seem to stop it. Unless I stop going to my bands I can't avoid single men altogether (all of them so far have been single at the time the attachment was formed). If I did that I'd never go anywhere, I've no idea what a social life is away from music. Mind you, at the moment going anywhere is a bit of a problem in itself...

Sorry to be rambling, just had to unload

 

[Neferakhet]

It's always good to unload,whether talking loud to yourself,or to a friend of yours,or at the forums.And it's totally ok.

Now understand that we humans are complicated creatures..And within relationships with friends,gfs,bfs etc. unfortunately a certain point is reached where one party partially or totally looses the interest in the other,and the relationship crumble.

There are at times when we can actually persuade the other person,to reconsider but usually even if he/she agrees to continue the relationship the same problem will rise again sometime and probably soon.

The main point here is.. for some reason/s in a relationship with a friend..An end is reached.And in your case,apparently you guys have reached this point.You want it to continue but he doesn't.And in this case there is absolutely nothing you can do.

If it will make you feel better.. Curse him,put all the blame on him or do whatever necessary to make you feel better about your crumbled relationship with that friend of yours.Remember..Nothing lasts forever hence the silly old repeating cycle,a main problem of Life is its utmost inability to possess longevity and stability pretty much anything.

However,about you being reluctant about not wanting to form any further friendships in the future..I don't find this entirely right.My advice is be opportunistic and selective.If you meet someone whom you think you find interesting and whom you believe that you can be good friends with,don't blow it from the start due to the fear of it will crumble again,or from the fear of eventually he will not want you as a friend.Be brave and take them head on..

 

[trombone_babe]

Thanks for your reply Neferakhet, you make some good points. I think you've misunderstood the main issue here though.

The friendship has only really started to falter because of my MH problems, he said to me last night he will be there for me later, but I advised him against it as my fixation with him would probably start up again, that's if it ever goes away. Until someone new turns up, that is...

This is the problem. Unless I keep myself very much to myself, which isn't in my nature, there is going to be some other poor chap that I attach myself to. There have been, I think, 8 in the last 20 years. I don't want to go through this again, every time it pretty much destroys me.