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Losing All Hope

S

SolemnRadiance

New member
Joined
Apr 8, 2015
Messages
1
I'm not sure where to post this but I just really need help with whatever's been plaguing me.

A little background before I get into the collapsed vessel that is my mind.
I am 21-Year Old Male, I grew up in an O.K household I suppose, (Father abused my Sister & I before leaving & stealing our entire family savings, leaving my Mother, Sister & I penniless.)
I had a very rocky time in High School because I cannot verbally communicate with others, which is why I haven't been able to seek help.
I recently lost my Mother to Cancer & am now left with absolutely no future to speak of, although my "symptoms" stem from much earlier in life, losing my Mother just escalated them to the point where I'm literally a lifeless-doll.
Okay, so, all throughout my life I've felt severe despair, I feel as if every other human being is out to harm me or mock me, to the point where I've become a complete shut-in, I've never been able to find work because of my verbal communication problems & the fact that my brain doesn't seem to process anything properly, people will speak to me & I'll just sit there like a dead animal.
Now I understand that's just your average depression, but it runs deeper than just that, I'm extremely emotionally unstable as well, I'll cry at the SLIGHTEST stimulation, I'll cry when people don't finish their food because the food must feel rejected, I'll cry when people break stuff because the objects must feel rejected, I'll laugh insanely at absolutely nothing, I'll get literally murderously angery over anything.
Things have come to such a serious head that anything other than absolute solitude sends me into a seizurous panic attack, like how some people say they like being alone, I HAVE to be alone, even the presence of another entity can cause severe nausea & discomfort, probably due to the fact that I hallucinate dead people & hear scratching all day & night.
It's like my personality, absolutely everything that makes up my being is being unraveled piece by piece.
I just want to know where to go, I can't get help because I can't verbally speak, I can't work for the same reasons, I can't be around other human beings without experience absolute agony.
I've been contemplating suicide for a very long time, it's as if everything is out to harm me, like there are two people inside me.
Thanks to anyone for listening, it was probably all over the place but I'm not very good at concise thinking, any form of help would be greatly appreciated, I honestly can't go on like this anymore, I need to work to live, but how am I suppose to do that when my mind is shattered?
 
SarahD

SarahD

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
2,095
Location
UK
Hi SolemnRadiance

Welcome to the forum

Firstly my condolences, I am so sorry you have lost your mother recently. It is a terrible thing to lose your mother, and you have no other parent to turn to. You shouldn't underestimate the effect of grieving for your mother will have on your depression.

Also the terrible problems with your father, his abuse and the way he acted, will have had their effect on you. I believe you may think those experiences have been instrumental in causing your problems.


I understand that you have this problem with verbal communication, yet you write and explain things very clearly. Can you print out what you have written on this thread and take it and go and see your doctor. Your doctor can read what you have written and understand the problem. He/she may refer you for help and you can start by showing the same account you have written of your experiences. If you can't speak, they must allow you time to answer questions by writing.

Please don't think about suicide. You are very young and with help your life can be turned around. Don't give up. And please keep posting.

Best wishes from Sarah x
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Hello and welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It must be fucking heart-breaking and soul-destroying to lose your mum.

I understand what it's like not just to be depressed, but to feel really out of control with your emotions too. Sometimes it's so hard I can't be around people either, but once you have therapy for this sort of thing and are moving in the right direction, things start to get a lot easier.

I was going to say what SarahD's already said - you may have trouble with verbal communication, but you've already written out everything you need to say: I'd use that, if I were you. Then you can take it to a mental health professional and get help for how you're feeling. Therapists and counsellors are very patient and accommodating because communication is something a lot of people struggle with.

You don't deserve to feel suicidal. Please use the forum if you're feeling like that; always reach out, because there's always something that can be done to make things better. Remember, you're worth a hell of a lot, and you're feeling incredibly low right now: it wouldn't be right to kill yourself forever for how you're feeling right now.

Wish you the best.
 
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