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Losing all hope in ever getting better - family makes getting therapy pointless.

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Hope1216

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I need advice because I don't know what to do anymore. All my options are closing and it feels like I am barely breathing and I'm losing all hope in getting better ever... but I can't take this pain anymore. I just can't keep living like this.

I hate myself so much and just thinking about everything that has been happening in my life makes my stomach tie itself into a knot. I have been having "talks" with my mother about getting me help- therapy to help me get better because I can't do this on my own but since I am 21 and in a relationship my girlfriend has expressed how she wants me to start working so we can start building for the future but my problems always get in the way so she wants me to handle them first because she says that's the most important thing is my mental health. (I have separation Anxiety with her/Abandonment issues and self worth/Anxiety and panic attack/ depression/ OCD, that kind of problems) However, my mother only agreed to getting me therapy if I let her know every single thing that me and the therapist talk about and I sign any papers giving her the power to have the therapist to tell her everything but that ruins the whole point of therapy.

If I feel like I can't speak from my heart- without holding anything back because I know that everything I say my mother will hear- I won't say everything I needed to say and as a result I will never get better but she doesn't care. She said I either let her know everything or I get a job and pay for it myself but my problems keep me from getting a job. My problems keep me from doing anything or enjoying anything in general.

I know I'm being somewhat vague about my problems right now but that's only because I feel ashamed of myself and my mom and I kept fighting because she keeps saying she "hates it when I act so mental" but I'm not crazy. I'm not. I just need help but my mom believes people should just learn to "deal with it" kind of mind set to begin with.

So I just need advice, some help to help get me on the right path finally. (Also, before people mention my girlfriend from helping to pay, she doesn't work either because I kind of don't let her because of my problems. She has been very supportive but she told me she doesn't want to wait around doing nothing anymore and soon she will be in a nursing program and I wont be with her and I have to learn to be able to be by myself and be able to be okay and still be a functioning adult and that I need to learn she will always come back.)
 
HauntedWitch

HauntedWitch

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However, my mother only agreed to getting me therapy if I let her know every single thing that me and the therapist talk about and I sign any papers giving her the power to have the therapist to tell her everything but that ruins the whole point of therapy.

If I feel like I can't speak from my heart- without holding anything back because I know that everything I say my mother will hear.
What your mother is asking for would violate the trust and privacy that are supposed to be part of the therapist/client relationship. Even if you could find a therapist who would agree to sign such papers, you should not consider going through with it.

Do you have a community health center in your area? Some offer low cost options for low income and unemployed people and might even be able to find free counseling for you. There may also be support groups administered by the city hospital nearest you which you can attend for free.
 
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Girl interupted

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Pardon my French but screw your mother. If she was truly invested in you getting better, that’s all that should matter. She wanting to know every detail is not only an invasion of privacy, but indicates an issue with boundaries, it could very well be that she’s at the root of your illness.

Look into social services. Every country on the planet has some form of mh support that doesn’t cost money if you are in need.
 
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Girl interupted

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You also need to examine your own issues with boundaries with your gf. You should be rooting her on, not limiting her. You don’t like when your mom does it to you.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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your mother has no right whatso ever to demand to know what you talk about with your therapist
your getting therapy shouldn't be dependent on her
is there anyway you could look online to try access some free therapy in your area?
it is not her choice whether you have therapy or not it is yours
I hate being controlled it makes me feel nervous and unwell

I agree with the other posters
let us know how you get on? xxx
 
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Hope1216

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Thank you for the feedback and I will keep you all up to date as things goes. It means a lot to have more support because I've been feeling really alone and worthless lately. I just don't know what to do though... I looked around just know but just looking makes me feel overwhelmed and helpless...

And yes... I kind of know my mom is the cause for not all my problems for some of them from when i use to see therapists from my past... I've went to get help twice in my life and I stopped both times after a while because my mom made me ashamed for basically being "mental" is how she put it and that she didn't raise her son to be like this... and once I was hospitalized when I was in high school because I wanted to as much as it will make me sound mental and crazy and you all might judge me I wanted to end my life because I broke down after a few months of constant panic attacks and having an unhealthy relationship and thoughts that I was worthless and I didn't have a future but i was too afraid to tell my parents because I didn't want my mom in particular to be mad at me so I told a teacher instead.
 
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Girl interupted

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You are not responsible for her failings. At a certain point in your life you need to be accountable to you.

The sooner the better.
 
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Hope1216

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I do have a question though, as I will be talking to my GF soon when she wakes up about this all and I have some anxiety about seeing my old therapist office. Mostly because since I started and stop going there twice in the past and this would be my third time trying to start going there after a while I am worried the main doctor who owns it will be mad or he may judge me or deny me or just be mean towards me... I know I shouldn't have stopped but I don't know... Just wanted others input on it. My next reply will be an update on a day or so on progress.

And again, I really want to express how thankful I am for you guys even giving me a moment in your day to offer even the smallest amount of advice. It's all I really have to survive off of right now. So thank you.
 
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Girl interupted

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You don’t have to stick with the same therapist. If your current one makes you uneasy, try another. It took me more than 30 years to find one that worked. Mostly because I felt it was impolite to quit the one that didn’t fit.

Don’t be me. The right therapist will understand you and help you to heal.
 
HauntedWitch

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Mostly because since I started and stop going there twice in the past and this would be my third time trying to start going there after a while I am worried the main doctor who owns it will be mad or he may judge me or deny me or just be mean towards me... I know I shouldn't have stopped but I don't know... .
I want to say first please don't feel bad about stopping therapy. Sometimes it gets overwhelming and you need to take a break. Also, my personal feeling re. going back to your old doctor/counselor is you'd probably be better off trying someone new. Maybe it's just my experience, but I believe there's a reason we stop therapy; it isn't just an impulsive thing, and sometimes it's definitely because the person you've been seeing isn't giving you the help you need.
 
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Hope1216

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So I'm still looking for therapy, it's been hard because I hit a really bad patch of depression where everything feels so meaningless and I keep snapping at everyone and getting really irritated over nothing which makes me feel worse. I look here and there for therapy but then I just get a feeling a hopelessness and stop. Hopefully my next update could be a more positive one but as of right now I just want to disappear so I'm just going to go take a nap.
 
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Hope1216

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I made an appointment but it won't be until September and after a few days I'm starting to get really anxious like I'm going to throw up because I realized I don't know what to say so now I am thinking of canceling it but I'm too scared of calling the place back. Just need someone to talk to because I feel so conflicted and scared... What do I say if I don't know what to say because I get frozen in fear so my brain goes into a blank?
 
HauntedWitch

HauntedWitch

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What do I say if I don't know what to say because I get frozen in fear so my brain goes into a blank?
Tell them just that -- that you don't know what to say because your mind has gone blank. I frequently have brain fog myself, although in my case it is usually due to physical fatigue rather than anxiety.
 
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