Losing a grip on reality!

A

Anxious

New member
Joined
May 9, 2012
Messages
2
Hi, Im new here and would love some advice...

(Been on Citalopram 10mg for 2 weeks and upped my dose to 20mg 3 days ago.)

Ive been having extrmeley heightenend anxiety and the thoughts I usually have are not going away. Ive become obsessed with thinking that my bf is cheating on me and keep getting images of him with someone else. Now, Ive always had insecurity issues and had trust issues since my first serious bf cheated on me when I was 16. I took an OD then and then was seeing a guy for 2 years who was violent. I have since had 4 serious (4 year) realtionships throughout which I have been untrusting and extremely jealous. When I was 25 I was with a guy for 2 years and I was majorly jealous and paranoid and ended up on ad's thinking I was going mad. He admitted in the end he was cheating on me for the whole 2 years.



3 years ago I met a guy and things were so easy, I had no trust issues whatsoever and totally trusted someone for the first time in my life. He ended up lying to me about something quite serious so I again lost my faith in men.

My current bf I have been with for 1 year. When we met, things were great, better than I have ever known. He was/is completely in love with me and I with him.

When we met I was having cbt for health anxiety. When that stopped my focus turned to him and whether or not he was cheating on me. He lives an hour away and would drive up to see me mid week and then at the weekend as I have 2 young kids. After a while things got so bad that I started checking his phone, emails etc, looking for evidence that he was cheating. I started accusing him all the time of doing things behind me back and ended the realtionship so many times. The final straw was last year when I finished with him and during this time he contacted a married woman he was having an affair with before me. We got back together, (I didnt know about this woman) and he had a phone call. I asked who is was and he said it was that married woman he was seeing before me. I asked why she was ringing and he said he didnt know.

Anyway, it came out a few days later that he had contacted her while we were split up. Now, I couldnt take the fact he lied to me so I left him. I have a friend who I have known online for 4 years who invited me down to stay and I ended up having a sort of fling with him to make me feel better. I also thought that my ex had actually slept with this woman he contacted even though he swears he didnt.

OK, so again, we split up for about a month and I told him I was seeing this other man. He went crazy and wouldnt stop hounding me for about 1 month when I finally took him back he swore to me that there had been no-one else. I then found out that he had gone on 2 dates with another woman (while we were split up) and lied about it. I contacted her through fb and she said nothing had happened and that he talked about me all the time.

We split up again because I had told him if he ever lied to me again I couldnt handle it. Then in February I contacted him, I missed him so much and love him immensely. He told me I was all he had thought about every morning when he woke up, that he was so petrified of losing me that he couldnt tell me about this other woman, He said he went looking to replace me but know he never could.

We got back together and decided to forget everything that has happened and start again. After his lies I have MAJOR trust issues with him now. I have been a nightmare to live with, I started CBT for my insecurity and the woman diagnosed me with GAD. It started getting really bad again because my past was being dredged up and she recommended Citalopram. I have been on them 17 days now and I have started obsessing over the idea that my bf is actually cheating on me and its not my anxiety, its my intuition. Ive been distant and horrible to him so we decided to take a few days to let things settle. I now feel as though my anxiety has gone through the roof and I cant stop thinking about what hes up to. I even went online and looked through his ebay history to see what he had bought (WHY??)

Theres not much on there but I did see that when he was having his affair with that married woman, he bought her an adult item and some erotic underwear. Now, this has started me off thinking Why has he never bought me anything like that? He must have enjoyed sex more with her than me? Maybe thats why he contacted her after all that time, etc etc. Ive become obsessed with the idea that he is some kind of lying sexual deviant. With no proof to back this up!!

I actually feel like Im going mental and ive lost a grip of what is real and what isnt.

HELP!!
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
42,736
Location
Lancashire
Hello Anxious and :welcome: to the forum

You really do have immense anxiety issues. From what I read, your present boyfriend has not cheated or done anything that wrong. He talked to a woman when you were split up, but there was no affair. You say that he cannot lie to you or you leave. But it must be like walking on eggshells around you, so maybe he feels that not saying everything is better. I am not trying to be nasty to you about this, but perhaps a little blunt.

The citalopram clearly is not working, so I think you need to ask to be referred to the Mental Health Team and get more professional help. You may need a better therapist, and if the NHS cannot give you any more, could you manage to find the money for some privately? It can cost about £35 an hour, which sounds like a lot, but it really isn't if you cut back on some things. You could also try finding somewhere that is training students, who are considerably cheaper.

I think you say that this started at 16 when the first boyfriend cheated on you. But I suspect it goes back a lot earlier than that. Everyone has traumatic first relationships, but usually people get over it. You fear abandonment and being lied to. These issues must go deeper than that. It doesn't help that you had a long line of bastards. They are responsible for their horrible behaviour, but you could look into why you end up with them. That is NOT blaming you at all. But we all carry ways of behaving from childhood, and give off certain vibes which others pick up on.

I think your present boyfriend sounds lovely and he has chosen you, no-one else, you. Sex toys? Don't sweat the small stuff honey. xxx
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

Well-known member
Staff Member on Leave
Joined
Jan 2, 2012
Messages
6,720
Location
Teesside
Hi Anxious.
I certainly agree with Cal above-
You need to see your GP, Citalopram although good for anxiety can make some people more on edge, paranoid and anxious. i think you should discuss with your gp in regards to a change in meds, there are plenty you could try.

Also you need to stop checking your boyfriends accounts, this is just driving you to insanity! i know its hard, my husband had an online affair and that broke my heart. i went for ages checking his phone, his bank accounts, etc and my therapist told me i needed to stop doing that because it wasnt helping me put my insecurities to rest it ws actually fueling my emotions.

it takes a long time to get trust back. you need to tell him this is why you are behaving like this, and that you are trying to sort your mind out. im sure he will understand that they are doubts and fears and only time, patience and talking to each other will get you through this.
Please keep talking Honey
Hugs
Fox
x
 
A

Anxious

New member
Joined
May 9, 2012
Messages
2
Hey, thanks for your messages. Ive been told that the cit can take up to 4-6 weeks to take effect so Im going to stick with them for the time being as only been on them 3. I am also having CBT which is helping. Thanks for your advice x
 
aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 21, 2012
Messages
2,196
Location
Sandhurst, Berkshire
Hi anxious
Welcome to the forum well done for posting
Wow you have had a lot of turmoil no wonder you feel the way you do
So sorry I can't advise you have been given good advice already
Im glad you are on cbt again remember these therapies take time to work it doesn't happen instantly it takes time and patience but you can do it!! as you know cbt us good for anxiety are you on cbt for a long spell or only for 6 weeks?
If you've already been back to the gp and you haven't been on citolopram for long then yes it does take about 6-8 weeks to start working properly
But dont hesitate If your struggling more go back to your gp
So sorry I'm not much use
I think the realationships are making you and your anxiety worse you need to focus on you and getting yourself in a better place to deal with a realationship and get yourself better first.
Take care keep strong and keep talking
Katie
Xx
 
Top