Loosing control over my life

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Bringmejoy

New member
Joined
Apr 16, 2016
Messages
2
#1
So hi world, don't know if anybody will read this,I don't know if I'm f,,,ing crazy but I feel like I need to ventilate some thoughts and feelings.
I'm gonna try to summarize everything.
I'm a 25year old woman struggling with a broken family, we used to be an ordinary loving family until the economic situation got its teeth on us, I feel helpless, and everything is falling apart.
Thing I cherished the most was family.
I've started to go the wrong path in life, using drugs and consuming alcohol more often than I should.
I dont want to be some typical " feel sorry for me" case, I realize that people have it way worse than me but sorry world, this is my story.
I feel like I'm living a lie.
Ever since I was little I remember being attracted to women, I couldn't be more than 10 admitting my affections for a little girl. Ever since then I've had more situations like this and as I got older I realized how "wrong" this is.
I'm raised in a Muslim family, and I know it doesn't matter how much they love me, the true me would break their hearts.
I have these huge battles inside of me of what's really wrong or right. I don't mean to upset or offend anyone in any way possible but in today's messed up world, everything is becoming acceptable. I mean is our age becoming mature or naive? Jumping in between thoughts here, we all know it takes a man and a woman to create a child, isn't it the way it's supposed to be then?
But still, I can't help to wonder. If you are that 10 year old girl growing up attracted to other girls not having a clue about what it really is about? Is that really wrong of me? Or IS it something wrong with me? ...
Back to me today, growing up a heartbroken women after a complicated relationship with another woman, I've lost my way. Couldn't tell family, and the few close friends I had started their own lives, and there was no place for me in it anymore. I feel like a human with a dead spirit, inspecting, dreaming of this one woman at work. I think I'm going crazy and getting obsessed.
But my heart could really use someone like you. I barely know you, still I know what you're about. You're the most beautiful, charismatic woman I've seen, there's so much more in there other than your wonderful looks. You're have this caring, delicate soul, trying to make the most sweetest effort to get through to me. But there I am always standing, to nervous, my brains shutts off and I always end up standing quietly and confused over all the emotions boiling up and is pushed down just as quick. My walls is suffocating me, I think I'm loosing it.
 
B

Bringmejoy

New member
Joined
Apr 16, 2016
Messages
2
#3
Hugs back at you :)
I've seen some therapists but only felt judged and not really getting any better self understanding.
 

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