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Looking for someone who feels the same way

C

chickenrider02

New member
Joined
Aug 10, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Japan
This is my first time actively seeking help, I am wondering if someone feels the exact same way I do.

I am not sure how to condense it to be understood well. I am 26 years old, male. Student. I had my unfortunate and lasting negative memories in my life, but overall I am a lucky person, no serious financial struggles, decent in my studies, field, living together with my girlfriend, if I want, people usually like me and I am fairly likable. Mostly I do not want to be.

Around 12-13 must have been the first time I said I do not want to live. Since my feeble attempts at the age of 17, 18, I am longing for death, imagining various stories during my walks, lone moments, every day.

I can't sleep. My mind won't calm. Started taking medicine since last week. Helped a little.

During a meeting, I met a girl whom I happened to share my story since she suffered from depression. She could not help. No one else knows my story any better than her.

I have a big family, with 3 of my brothers and my sister we are close. They would not understand me.

I have hobbies, interests. Nothing that makes me happy.

I guess I want to be understood, loved by someone. So far no one understood me the way I wanted. It seems impossible, I feel like I am different from everybody else, my feelings are different, so there is no way anyone could understand me. I love in a different way than others. Sometimes worse, sometimes better than others. Over time I concluded my love as an obsessive need of attachment. I feel like I do not need friends, family, whom I usually push away, as I can not sustain the pretense of love or interest. I feel like I do not want to talk to anyone, because they would not interest me. I am not interested in small talks, idle chats about our life. I guess because I feel different. I never had a really connection in a conversation. However, of course, I do need it, which is why I have a girlfriend. I would not be able to be alone. I cannot bear the loneliness and silence, since 17, I always make sure to have someone with me. I do not love her, but I care for her and want her to be happy.

I cannot stand suffering. Reading news that a girl committed suicide at the age of 13 because of bullying at school made me depressed, angry, and unexplainably made me cry. I felt like I can feel her pain. Or reading stories of disaster, murder, history. Rape stories made me so disconnected that I feel like I cannot cope with the overwhelming pain, anger, and sadness at the moment and feel like I want to run as fast as I can, to scream for everyone to hear my pain to kill the people committing these things.

I feel like nothing could make me happy in this world. Except for one thing. Temporarily. Love, attachment, care, obsession? I always cry during romantic stories, especially during animes, movies about childhood love. Seems so strong and sincere. I wish there was someone who cared about me that way, someone loved me that way. Meeting someone and spend time together. A new experience. Walking on the street, seeing cute faces, makes me sad that I would never be able to experience a moment with them. But that is the only thing that makes me excited. That would pass too. That feeling would soon disappear, troubled with relationship issues and would end up wanting it again with someone else. How worthless thing am I really, feeling this way. Nothing else would excite me, no dream job, travels, memory, experience, knowledge, skill, hobby, belonging, nothing I can think of that would make me feel I am alive and I want to keep experiencing.

I simply can not think of a reason to stay alive and keep suffering every day. I do not see the point, the meaning of my life. Since my goal is to be happy and nothing seems to be able to make me actually happy without having to pretend it, there is really nothing for me in this life, in this world, that could justify my existence.

So why do I keep on suffering, living, my excuse is my family, would leave too many scars in too many people, possibly making some of them do the same. Reality is different, I am just scared of the pain and suffering, I am a coward.

I feel trapped. I feel lonely. Desperate for understanding. Longing for love that could not exist outside of movies.

Sharing my story with someone suffering from depression did not help. She said it will get better, I need to find things I love to do, that makes me happy, relaxed and keep doing them, forgetting the past. I do not see how this would get better. There is nothing that makes me really happy, ease my mind. I just want to escape. I feel like that is the only solution to avoid a lifelong of suffering. I am not worried about my past, I do not want to forget, I just do not want to continue into the future.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
3,447
Location
Glasgow
This is my first time actively seeking help, I am wondering if someone feels the exact same way I do.

I am not sure how to condense it to be understood well. I am 26 years old, male. Student. I had my unfortunate and lasting negative memories in my life, but overall I am a lucky person, no serious financial struggles, decent in my studies, field, living together with my girlfriend, if I want, people usually like me and I am fairly likable. Mostly I do not want to be.

Around 12-13 must have been the first time I said I do not want to live. Since my feeble attempts at the age of 17, 18, I am longing for death, imagining various stories during my walks, lone moments, every day.

I can't sleep. My mind won't calm. Started taking medicine since last week. Helped a little.

During a meeting, I met a girl whom I happened to share my story since she suffered from depression. She could not help. No one else knows my story any better than her.

I have a big family, with 3 of my brothers and my sister we are close. They would not understand me.

I have hobbies, interests. Nothing that makes me happy.

I guess I want to be understood, loved by someone. So far no one understood me the way I wanted. It seems impossible, I feel like I am different from everybody else, my feelings are different, so there is no way anyone could understand me. I love in a different way than others. Sometimes worse, sometimes better than others. Over time I concluded my love as an obsessive need of attachment. I feel like I do not need friends, family, whom I usually push away, as I can not sustain the pretense of love or interest. I feel like I do not want to talk to anyone, because they would not interest me. I am not interested in small talks, idle chats about our life. I guess because I feel different. I never had a really connection in a conversation. However, of course, I do need it, which is why I have a girlfriend. I would not be able to be alone. I cannot bear the loneliness and silence, since 17, I always make sure to have someone with me. I do not love her, but I care for her and want her to be happy.

I cannot stand suffering. Reading news that a girl committed suicide at the age of 13 because of bullying at school made me depressed, angry, and unexplainably made me cry. I felt like I can feel her pain. Or reading stories of disaster, murder, history. Rape stories made me so disconnected that I feel like I cannot cope with the overwhelming pain, anger, and sadness at the moment and feel like I want to run as fast as I can, to scream for everyone to hear my pain to kill the people committing these things.

I feel like nothing could make me happy in this world. Except for one thing. Temporarily. Love, attachment, care, obsession? I always cry during romantic stories, especially during animes, movies about childhood love. Seems so strong and sincere. I wish there was someone who cared about me that way, someone loved me that way. Meeting someone and spend time together. A new experience. Walking on the street, seeing cute faces, makes me sad that I would never be able to experience a moment with them. But that is the only thing that makes me excited. That would pass too. That feeling would soon disappear, troubled with relationship issues and would end up wanting it again with someone else. How worthless thing am I really, feeling this way. Nothing else would excite me, no dream job, travels, memory, experience, knowledge, skill, hobby, belonging, nothing I can think of that would make me feel I am alive and I want to keep experiencing.

I simply can not think of a reason to stay alive and keep suffering every day. I do not see the point, the meaning of my life. Since my goal is to be happy and nothing seems to be able to make me actually happy without having to pretend it, there is really nothing for me in this life, in this world, that could justify my existence.

So why do I keep on suffering, living, my excuse is my family, would leave too many scars in too many people, possibly making some of them do the same. Reality is different, I am just scared of the pain and suffering, I am a coward.

I feel trapped. I feel lonely. Desperate for understanding. Longing for love that could not exist outside of movies.

Sharing my story with someone suffering from depression did not help. She said it will get better, I need to find things I love to do, that makes me happy, relaxed and keep doing them, forgetting the past. I do not see how this would get better. There is nothing that makes me really happy, ease my mind. I just want to escape. I feel like that is the only solution to avoid a lifelong of suffering. I am not worried about my past, I do not want to forget, I just do not want to continue into the future.
You not alone my friend. All the people on here have varying degrees of problems. Have you though about talking to a doc?
 
A

AppletreeConfusion

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2020
Messages
50
Location
UK
Yeah I think illnesses like depression can be a chemical imbalance. Tbh we really cannot let the media control our feelings like that, the unfortunate reality is a lot of stories of rape or murder we don't even hear about - yet it goes on. For example George Floyd wasn't the first black man to be killed by a police officer, but the publishing of the story put it into people consciousness. I mean there has been a lot of pain and death throughout natural history. As for people loving you, well do your family not love you? How about your girlfriend? I mean I know what you mean about caring for someone and wanting them to be happy, but isn't that the kind of love we have for family anyway? I know that my feelings of love are diminished due to depression, you need to speak to a doctor because it sounds like you have depression and that can spiral.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
5,234
Location
Nashua NH
hello chicken rider and welcome. it does sound like you may at least in part struggling with depression. have you ever talked with anything about these difficult feelings or tried medications to try to subdue them? maybe that would be a good place to start...xo, j
 
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