- Nov 12, 2015
I'm 18 and since about the age of 12 id say i had a pretty consistent depression, my depression and lack of value placed on life has molded me. I took up the existential nihilist train of thought years ago and never quite integrated the positive aspect of the freedom that meaningless can give til recent. I was indifferent towards life and the idea of ending my life was pleasing and soothing, as of now i can say I choose and want to live so ive made progress. Im a person who doesnt care about much my level of apathy is high. I dont take interest in many activities and i find my most enjoyment from feelings of understanding i get from studying philosophy and psychology. I have a strong detachment and dont really care for anyone however, when i do make a connection it is one that usually unhealthy i become obsessive, anxious, clingy and it brings up strong feelings im not used to in my normal state. I feel im very all or nothing, picking one extreme. When i get overly-connected its not even necessarily about them i think its more out my own compulsion and desperate sub conscious need for interaction and attention. I involve in a lot of meta cognition and inhibition. So basically im a detached anxious nihilist with tendencies of obsession and compulsion and i want to understand and remove the bondage that these mental plagues hold me under.