Looking for some insight

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DisturbedScholar

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#1
I'm 18 and since about the age of 12 id say i had a pretty consistent depression, my depression and lack of value placed on life has molded me. I took up the existential nihilist train of thought years ago and never quite integrated the positive aspect of the freedom that meaningless can give til recent. I was indifferent towards life and the idea of ending my life was pleasing and soothing, as of now i can say I choose and want to live so ive made progress. Im a person who doesnt care about much my level of apathy is high. I dont take interest in many activities and i find my most enjoyment from feelings of understanding i get from studying philosophy and psychology. I have a strong detachment and dont really care for anyone however, when i do make a connection it is one that usually unhealthy i become obsessive, anxious, clingy and it brings up strong feelings im not used to in my normal state. I feel im very all or nothing, picking one extreme. When i get overly-connected its not even necessarily about them i think its more out my own compulsion and desperate sub conscious need for interaction and attention. I involve in a lot of meta cognition and inhibition. So basically im a detached anxious nihilist with tendencies of obsession and compulsion and i want to understand and remove the bondage that these mental plagues hold me under.
 
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Eigau

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#2
Hi there, welcome to the forum! Quite a quandary you have there, as a nihilist you are more skeptical than most skeptics, but the anxiety is a contradiction of the former. However, you could be experiencing a natural dichotomous conflict born from strong internal struggle of identity. It certainly is a destructive conflict at that. Do you happen to hear voices by any chance?
 
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DisturbedScholar

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#3
Greeting, I appreciate your welcome. Yes it an irrational and inhibitory anxiety and was more prevalent in social setting when i was younger but it pokes its presence nowadays mostly when I have something that i give value to (almost always a short term attachment with a female; i can expand on this if you like it would probably give a good insight into my interworking) I feel like that your identity struggle is a reasonable theory. I can sense the internal duality its like one of truth and one of irrationality. No I dont experience any voice or other hallucinatory symptoms. Im kind of stuck with thinking its a mere philosophical conflict mixed maybe multiple mental illness? im really unsure

Id say i lack self esteem and self worth i dont have much of an identity besides my obscure thoughts that most people cant relate with.
 
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neorealism

neorealism

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#4
I can associate with a lot of things you describe. At 3 AM I am no prepared to discuss it at great length or in such articulate manner as yourself. I think my greatest problem comes from thinking too much, if that's a thing. I overthink. I can get lost inside my thoughts. Sometimes there are just millions of thoughts travelling through my brain at the same time and it's hard to concentrate on one. Sometimes it is easier to stay within the realm of thought and become detached from day to day life. At other times I can obsess over one particular thought. But all these cognitive processes affect my quality of life. Don't know if that is also something that we share.
 
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DisturbedScholar

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#5
Yes we share this in common. I kinda of feel like ive grown to prefer my own internal dialogue and thoughts more than what others can offer to say. All the mental resources that it takes to entertain this effects my memory because nothings really noteworthy.
 
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Roadtonowhere

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#6
You sound somewhat like myself. In the end there is no point in any of this, from a philosophical view at least. However from a personal point of view life is what you make of it...for yourself. You can either spent your years brooding away with hate, skepticism, distrust and other soul darkening thoughts or you can make yourself useful and happy by helping others and somehow putting meaning into your life and others.

Or maybe there is a third possibility in all of this...

Either way, in the end getting help lies in your hands and your hands alone. If you really don't feel at peace with your extreme thoughts (which is quite understandable), maybe it is time to talk to a professional about it?

I myself do kind of enjoy my extreme mood swings, while a curse at times, they are rather interesting for the most part and even bring a little bit of excitement into this meaningless life I find.

But I am a little boozy atm so don't take my squander too serious.

Have a nice night.
 
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DisturbedScholar

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#7
Ive come to terms with the with it all and I realize the duality of life, it has its goods and bads (subjectively)and it doesnt bother me too much, its more so my irrationality but i find joy in that too since feelings are kinda of a rarity feeling anything can be pleasant. They are still a nuisance and im just more interested in what exactly is going on in my head to make me act in such ways. I feel im at peace with my belief in the meaningless of life and want to continue anyways, my objective is to understand myself and help others in the future. I just want to get rid of the irrationality and detachment i feel so i can feel at total peace with myself and be able to act freely without self impedement. But maybe this is simply the burden i carry for having taken on this school of thought. Maybe its all just part of the process and ill come out better than before, honestly i like the way this has shaped my character. Many people stay ignorant and simply allow the social indoctrination of values and beliefs.
 
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Roadtonowhere

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#8
Ive come to terms with the with it all and I realize the duality of life, it has its goods and bads (subjectively)and it doesnt bother me too much, its more so my irrationality but i find joy in that too since feelings are kinda of a rarity feeling anything can be pleasant. They are still a nuisance and im just more interested in what exactly is going on in my head to make me act in such ways. I feel im at peace with my belief in the meaningless of life and want to continue anyways, my objective is to understand myself and help others in the future. I just want to get rid of the irrationality and detachment i feel so i can feel at total peace with myself and be able to act freely without self impedement. But maybe this is simply the burden i carry for having taken on this school of thought. Maybe its all just part of the process and ill come out better than before, honestly i like the way this has shaped my character. Many people stay ignorant and simply allow the social indoctrination of values and beliefs.
Yep, you sound exactly like myself.

Well to put it basic and simple, it is chemical reactions and neurons firing up via electric impulses that make our emotions, feelings and ideas come and go :p. Well that is the cheesy scientific answer, however why exactly some are completely contempt with their lives while others have emotional mood swings is beyond me, might be a chemical imbalance that could be fixed with medicine? Maybe we do have a mental illness after all, I mean most people don't feel like us, so we clearly are "abnormal" should you choose to use that word.

But like you said it yourself; " Maybe its all just part of the process and ill come out better than before, honestly i like the way this has shaped my character. Many people stay ignorant and simply allow the social indoctrination of values and beliefs."
I am glad I am this way, even with my random depressive and nihilistic thoughts.
 
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DisturbedScholar

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#9
My nature to break things down and seek truth just naturally leads to the disposition of nihilistic school of thought which leads its whole own dilema. By this time ive accepted and the meaningless of life and agree with absurdism yet imy nature of self doubt, detachment, social anxietys and cognitive impairment(memory and attention span), I dont know for sure where my school of thought's effects ends, where personality kicks in and where mental illness is the culprit. I had been taking prozac and it greatly decreased my negative self criticism and self doubt it was nice to not be as self inhibited. Ultimately im content with the process and the progress ive made.
 
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