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Looking for some different perspectives

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Darks1de

Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Indiana
Fore-warning; incoming wall of text.

So, I met this woman about a year ago in college (I know, this is starting out so cliche), and we've been friends since then. Not too long ago, we hung out outside of school or work functions for the first time. For the most part, I was able to prevent myself from acting like a complete fool, and we both had a good time.

Well, during the rest of that week and the following week, I was going to campus every week day (I work three twelve hour shifts on the weekends) in order to work on homework and lab reports. Our spring break was extended for an extra week because of COVID-19, and I thought it would be a good time to perhaps get ahead as it were. It's also easier for me to get my work done on campus due to the fact that there are too many distractions at my apartment. That, and I was going stir crazy.

But I also had the ulterior motive of seeing my friend. When I went to the campus, I'd park outside the building where she usually spends her time doing her work. This isn't out of the ordinary for me since I would usually park there anyways, but I was hoping to potentially catch her as she was leaving just to say hi and see how she was doing. I even walked through the bottom floor of the building on my way to the library on a few of those days with the same hope (she spends her time on one of the upper floors). When I was leaving the Library on a couple of those days, I took a walk on one of the pathways that circles the campus to clear my head and to waste some extra time for the same reasons as above.

This sounds innocent enough, but there's more. I sent her three texts in a seven day period with no reply on her part (this is nothing out of the ordinary for her; she gets focused on what she's doing). But I was starting to feel insecure, and I was starting to feel afraid that perhaps my texts gave the impression that I was trying to hard. From a rational standpoint, I knew there was no need for me to feel this way, but for whatever reason, I did.

Then last weekend, after I was discussing this with a coworker, I realized at that point that I acted like a fucking creeper. I was feeling insecure because of a fear of rejection, and that was one of the driving forces for me to want to see her. It was also due to the fact that I didn't know if it was simply because she was busy or if it was truly because I fucked up. I also realized at that point that the building in question has a lot of windows. So I thought it likely that she might have saw me enter the building. Since then, I've felt like a piece of shit; she has a history of other guys being creeps to her, and here I was acting like one. As such, I sent her an apology earlier this week via text. I pretty much said I'm sorry for trying to hard, for potentially making her feel uncomfortable, and that I'd promise to never bother her again. I truly meant that last part, and I didn't expect a response on her part. Surprisingly, she did reply and said she was sorry for not responding; that it's been an issue for her for a few years.

But I've also come to the conclusion that I need help with my feelings of insecurity before they get me into more trouble. I'm also not going to try and make contact for a while for both of our sake's. We've gone months without talking before since we're both busy individuals, and it didn't effect the friendship.

One of my other friends has told me that I'm overreacting; She said that I didn't go to her house unannounced, and I also didn't go through the entire building searching for her (In fact, thinking about doing those things makes me sick to my stomach). But I still acted in a concerning manner, and I plan on seeing a counselor for my self-esteem issues. Another potential variable to consider here is the fact that I do have feelings for the person in question. But she's not interested in a relationship right now, and I have no interest in ruining the friendship. Since this likely contributed to my behavior, I've been spending the past few days trying to modify my thoughts and feelings about her.

So, now I have a couple of questions; I'd like to hear other people's perspectives.

1. Am I overreacting? Was I acting like a creep?
2. These actions also likely stemmed from years of unresolved emotions. I've been single pretty much my entire life, and I'm having a midlife crisis (kind of) with regard to this fact. I just turned 30 not too long ago, and I'm starting to worry that I won't find a relationship at this point. I have a strong desire for intimacy, and I have no outlet. What can I do to better manage these emotions so they don't get the better of me? My usual strategy is to internalize them, but I know that this is not a very effective strategy. I just don't know what else to do with them.
 
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Darks1de

Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Indiana
Well, here's a third:
3. Her text made it clear that she didn't know that I took those detours to see her. Should I admit what I did or is it just better to leave these things unsaid? I struggle with this because I hate to keep secrets from people; I prefer honesty. My friends tell me to not say anything yet because it would be better to have that conversation in person. Given the circumstances, that's impossible. I agree, but I still feel like a selfish prick for not saying anything.
 
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Elphie10

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 19, 2020
Messages
61
Location
UK
I would definitely not tell her. At the moment she probably isn't creeped out, that would creep her out. Also don't be too hard on yourself, I have definitely lingered or gone places in hope I'd "bump into" my crush. I think it's pretty normal.

As for your second question, I'm exactly the same so I might not be the best person to answer! I just try to find healthy ways to pursue meeting someone i.e going to social events, online dating etc.
 
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Helena1

Well-known member
Staff Member on Leave
Joined
Oct 11, 2014
Messages
10,579
Location
UK
Your behaviour sound normal to me.
Don't admit what you did, you are doing that to relive anxiety yourself, it is no benefit to her and so is quiet selfish. What you did is normal behaviour but to tell someone make sit sound a bit weird and will likely make her feel uncomfortable.

Do you usually feel insecure? this situation, with someone sporadically texting you back would have anyone insecure as you don't know if you are coming or going with her.
 

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