• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Looking for some clarity

E

Esiantaolit

New member
Joined
May 20, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Bristol
Hello there, I hope you're well and appreciate you taking the time to read this. Recently I've found myself in a bit of bother mentally and have got to a bit of a dead end and don't know what to do. Partly because I'm not sure how much validity there is to my perspective, nor to what extent my reactions are indicative of some underlying issues. Hence my confusion.

About a year ago I met a woman. It was a very lovely evening. The moon was full, there was a fire and people with fire sticks. I'd been playing music with some people I'd met and had drunk a little bit of rum, but was far from drunk. It was a nice evening and I was in a very nice mood. At a point in the evening my attention was caught by a woman shouting very angrily.

Out of curiosity I went towards the scene and came across a woman who had also been drawn by the noise. It turns out to be a very mashed up man who, to the chagrin of his girlfriend, kept falling over. After the third fall, the girlfriend was very very angry and, naturally me and the woman, Eve, who is now my girlfriend, couldn't help but laugh and from then we hit it off and spent the rest of the night together.
We didn't have sex. We took a tiny amount of mushrooms, wondered around a little, then went back to mine, did some body painting, made out a little, had breakfast and then I walked her home.

For the first five months everything was great. Then I did quite a big dose of acid - 4 tabs of 200ugs - and during this trip a voice told me I was schizophrenic and immediately after another voice told me that was ok. There was lots of good in the trip, but these voices did cause me a mix of concern and intrigue. There are events in my life which may of contributed to a schizoid personality, but until then I feel I'd only scratched the surface of myself.

After the trip, I began quite an intensive study of personality disorders, particularly BPD, schizoid personality and narcissism, in an attempt to discover these traits in myself. However, as well as noticing some of these things in myself, I also began to see some of the traits in the woman I'd met - she told me she loved me after the second or third time we had sex, she had a habit of walking ahead of me, she complained several times that I spoke to her wrong (which gave me the egg shells feeling), once with a friend of hers and her friends date she was overly flirtatious (in my opinion) with her friends date, she was rude to me and at one stage she mentioned an author I had introduced her to and when I asked her who it was (knowing who it was) she told me it was my loss.

There was also a moment where she had been talking to her friends date and when he turned away for a moment to attend to the fire, she touched my leg, but as soon as he looked back she took her hand away. It felt very much like triangulation. I am aware jealously can be used as manipulation without any serious malice and should mention at this point that we were not in an exclusive relationship. So, I get it and, although it was the beginning of my downward spiral, I accepted it.

After this night, I began to feel uncertain about the relationship. Something had been triggered and I began to consider whether continuing it was the right thing to do. A little after this, a man moved into her house and not long after she told me about a dream she had about him trying to get into her bed as she and I were in it looking for a hair clip (foolishly, I looked it up and the interpretation was that the hair clip was a symbol of a looming marriage, and the sleeping lover (me) represented a problem). She shared this dream with him and her other house mates as we ate dinner. It was this dream which, unbeknownst to me at the time, began to play on my mind. I am willing to accept it is my interpretation, but on reflection I began entertaining notions that this was some sort of unconscious triangulation and desire for someone other than me, which considering she has had sex with around eighty people made me feel I was just another.

In my presence, I feel as if there was a certain contact between them which was inappropriate, flirting and touching etc. Just a lil too much. But that could just be me. Moving on a little, she went for a trip for six weeks to Shropshire and the first weekend she had been away, I got a text from the man telling me my girlfriend had asked him to tell me (I'd given him my number as he's a musician and we said we'd jam) that I had a bag there. I thought this strange as she could of told me herself my bag was there. It made me think of flying monkeys and triangulation.

By this point, after concluding she was a narcissist, I lost my shit and did something very impulsive and stupid. I sent her an anonymous message posing as a friend of mine saying, I know what you are you fucking narcissist and that they were gonna make me finish with her. She phoned me to ask if I knew anything about it. I said I had an idea. She said the thought of finishing with me made her feel sick and that she was going to come back and talk to me. I told her not too and in the time she was away we got closer than we were before.

Things got worse when she got back however. I carried the shame around, the dream of the man and my inferiority and it went from bad to worse and I lost all composure and caused lots of problems and really pressed her hard to look in herself and think about whether I was really someone she wanted to see. Recently, after we moved in and things got a bit intense she asked me again who sent the text and this time I told her the truth. She said she suspected it was me. After I explained to her my reasons for sending it, she said she never realised I was so fearful.

Since then things have been a bit up and down but they are better than they were, but she since revealed she had a dream about being in a relationship with the man and another where they had broken up and the man has come up in conversation at times that seem a little to coincidental and he even came round the other day and invited her out to do drugs with him and I've began to wonder again whether she's deliberately triggering me or whether she's looking for security and that I trust her, as when she was telling me about the dream she had she cried a lot and told me that she feels it was my insistence and discussion of it that had brought those dreams about and she resented that I had influenced her mind in that way when she had already thought about the dream and drew her own interpretations which were very different from mine.

I've written a lot now and in writing this I can see the futility of my perspective in many ways, but a part of me also believes I've got some grounds for feeling uneasy about her and I'm now at the point where I'm considering ending the relationship because I feel that maybe the damage is irreparable, that she would truly be better off with someone else and that the dissonance is possibly not resolvable. I feel like I'm trying to hold on to something very valuable, precious and true, whilst simultaneously trying to let it go. I have a lot of care, appreciation and love for my girlfriend. She has many good qualities, but there is a part of me which doesn't trust her. I've written a lot, possibly too much. Does anyone have any thoughts on what my brain is up too?
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
US
Hey, Esiantaolit, welcome to the forum. I'm not the best to give advice re schizo affective disorder or related issues, as I have BPD, but I can say this. If you suspect you have a personality disorder based upon your acid trip and a relationship that seems pretty volatile in a number of ways (the first 5 months are usually great), I would doubt you do. Many, many people fit some of the characteristics of any personality disorder, but to truly have it, it has to be greatly interfering with your life. I don't know anything beyond what you've said of this one relationship, so maybe if you could give some indication of whether you've had these types of issues w others? It seems like it's just not a good match, she may have issues, who knows. But it doesn't sound to me like an actual personality disorder. That's just my take. Take the drugs out of the equation, take this one girl out of the equation, and what are you left with to base it on? Is there other information you have that has led you to this worry re personality disorders?
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,309
Location
Nashua NH
Hi there I’m sorry your girlfriends behavior is so erratic leading you to feel insecure. Anyone would feel insecure in your position. When we enter into relationships we make ourselves vulnerable to the other. Part of what makes that vulnerability possible is trust. Without trust we cannot feel secure in opening ourselves to another. When someone breached that trust it’s only natural to pull back and start to close off. Your girlfriend continues to place you in situations where your security in the relationship is put in jeopardy. This erodes trust. That she continued to do it despite knowing how this makes you feel shows a disrespect for you and a disregard for your wishes and the relationship. Your brain is reacting to her continually placing you in this compromised position by virtue of her actions that are damaging to you. I think you need to sit down and have a frank talk with her about how damaging her talk or other relationships and doings on with this man is to your feelings about her and about the relationship. That it breaches trust which makes you question her fidelity and makes you want to withdraw from her emotionally and possibly from
the relationship. If she is able to respond to this and modify her words and behaviors to bring you more security and honor the relationship things may improve some for you. If not it could be that she is not really interested in a monogamous relationship or is a serial monogamous getting ready to move on. If she just enjoys making you feel jealous to see how much you love her that is a form of toxicity that is not compatible with a trustful and loving relationship. Unless things change in terms of her behavior you will lose your mind continuing to worry about it. And that’s not what real love is for. I hope this is helpful yo you. xo, j
 
E

Esiantaolit

New member
Joined
May 20, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Bristol
Hello 2much2feel, take out the drugs and take out the girl and, yes, I have reason to believe there could be some disorder at play. I have fears of abandonment, inferiority issues and an avoidant personality and a friend I trust tells me I'm textbook narcissist (ironically they messaged me tonight when I was least expecting it). In other relationships, usually short lived, I've had intense reactions of jealously with strong physical effects, like I'm high on drugs. What I'm really trying to understand is how much is me and how much is her? I think she does have issues, but I can't figure out if there's malice involved or a genuine desire for security which my behaviour has taken away from her...
 
E

Esiantaolit

New member
Joined
May 20, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Bristol
and thank you for taking the time to respond 2much2feel x
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
US
Hello 2much2feel, take out the drugs and take out the girl and, yes, I have reason to believe there could be some disorder at play. I have fears of abandonment, inferiority issues and an avoidant personality and a friend I trust tells me I'm textbook narcissist (ironically they messaged me tonight when I was least expecting it). In other relationships, usually short lived, I've had intense reactions of jealously with strong physical effects, like I'm high on drugs. What I'm really trying to understand is how much is me and how much is her? I think she does have issues, but I can't figure out if there's malice involved or a genuine desire for security which my behaviour has taken away from her...
Well, damnit, then you may have one...would you consider seeing a therapist to help so you're not trying to do it all on your own? I know that the NHS has questionnaires that can help you with the right questions to ask, like this one for borderline: Borderline Personality Disorder Test: 3 Minute BPD Self-Assessment. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I know that certain relationships I've been in have definitely made me act out much more, particularly if that person is also an emotional person. Others on here may likely can offer more helpful advice, so hang in there.:)
 
E

Esiantaolit

New member
Joined
May 20, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Bristol
Hello Jessisme, thank you for taking the time to respond. I'm surprised to hear you describe my girlfriends behaviour as erratic. I certainly didn't mean to make it seem that way and her behaviour doesn't strike me as erratic. Perhaps you picked up on something... She does seem to keep placing me in certain situations, but then I have continuously placed her in certain situations which have damaged her trust and I wonder if the situations she's placed me in are an attempt to rebuild that trust by knowing she can say what she wants without me reacting negatively which jeaprodises her security. She has assured me she is not out to get me and that I have no reason to be paranoid, which it's very possible I have been. If not paranoid, then perhaps over-thinking. Yet, it is possible that there is an element of her using jealousy as a means to get a reaction which she takes as proof of love. She says she does want a monogamous relation and we've been in one for four months now. This is the longest relationship she has had. I also want a monogamous relationship. My history has mostly been casual, but, until I lost my shit, I was trying to take care with this relationship. I'm just trying to figure out how much toxicity there is on her behalf because I know there was none on my behalf before I lost my shit and I'm trying to figure out whether it was something to do with the acid, my underlying issues, her or all three!
 
Top